A Perfect Day.

"What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." - Helen Keller

On Friday, we went to the Arboretum for the first time since Jackson's Memorial.

We thought it would be a good time to go, as Saturday marked one month since the memorial took place.


Our hearts were in as good of place as we could ask for at this point, and we had experienced a "string of good days".


There was a good weather forecast.

 It was go time.

We had no idea what to expect or even how to feel. We knew it was time, but we also could have easily talked ourselves out of it if we really wanted to or half way tried.

One side of the mental battle sounded like....

"Oh, there is not enough time" 

"Maybe another day" or....

"Not today...."

And.....


"I just cannot do this." 

And the other side of the battle.....

"Oh,  there is plenty of time. Loads of it."


"This a perfect day. Just do it."

"Seriously?! Go. Now."


And...


"You BOTH can do this. Today."


Then came the tug-tug-tug at your heart.


Come see me Mom.


Come see me Dad.


I have a really nice day planned for you. 


Come see me.

It is almost like hearing James Earl Ray's voice from Field of Dreams in your head. When you get that kind of call, you have to 1) go visit your son immediately, with out haste and 2) build a baseball field in your back yard. Period.

So we answered.


And our son delivered.

 All anxiety, skepticism, and doubt that we had going into the Arboretum instantly went away upon arrival. The knot I am used to having in my stomach these days, took a vacation.We just felt good when we got there, and we felt good when we left. Everything in between was exactly what we needed.  It is almost like we found our center again.  We found balance and another dose of peace. If we were hypothetical cars, we got our alignment checked, we are no longer "pulling to the right".

It was exactly what the doctor ordered.

We were exactly where we were supposed to be.

There was life and beauty everywhere.

It was peaceful and calm.

There were places to sit and reflect.

Places for the most perfect quiet time.

There was so much sun.  So much, in fact, that we had to be careful to not get "crispy" out there :)

Our son bringing the noise with the sun.

We basked in it. We loved it. We needed it.

We love him.

 Always. Forever.

Hey there little one!

We walked and walked and walked.


We even got our learnin' on.

Bonsai exhibit anyone?

We could kill a test on bonsai trees. I am not real sure what to do with this knowledge, but maybe one day we will be a on a trivia team and we can be "those players" on the team. When someone asks, "hey, who knows a ridiculous amount about bonsai trees?"....we can proudly display this new knowledge. Personally, I have always wanted to be a clutch player on a team and bonsai tree knowledge may just be my ticket.

Random knowledge, but certainly not useless.

That's how I like to look at it.

After bonsai land, it was time for us to make our decent into the amphitheater.

This could have induced a knot in the stomach, or chest tightening anxiety attack....

But instead, we felt this....

Lots of love.

The photo was intended to be a heart. Russ thinks this looks like two Moray Eels fighting. He also believes himself to be Jack Hanna. More on that later.

 

We chose to walk down into the amphitheater the way we came for the memorial. It felt so much longer than it did that day. It was quiet and no one else was around. It was just us 3. It was peaceful, but kinda eerie at the same time. It was awesome and totally weird. I could still hear the music that the band played as we were walking down in my head. I could see the sea of color from the family and friends in attendance still sitting there in the amphitheater. It felt like a cheering section. A legion of people saying "You can do this! We are here for you!".  It was beautiful. Exactly how we left it. Exactly how I wanted to, and will always remember it.

We just took it all in.

No words.

Just being present. Together.

We sat down in the exact same place. We breathed, remembered, and cried. One month without our angel. One month of sadness and heartbreak. One month of missing him. One month of needing him. One month of trying to make sense of the world without him.

We have been so positive and hopeful. We still are.

It is a part of the healing process to go back to the source of pain, and deal with it. We are healing and we are still grieving. We probably always will be. Grieve and heal. Grieve and heal.

The Arboretum is not a source of pain. It is a wonderful place to help us heal, and a perfect place for us to grieve. A place to let it out and know that our son is with us every step of the way. It is somewhere we can always visit him, and we will. The pain is in the loss, not at the place where we chose to remember his life.

We just miss him. He has our hearts. Completely. He may have tiny baby hands, but he has a kung-foo grip on our hearts.

It really was the most perfect time. A perfect day to remember and honor our son.

After we sat in the amphitheater for a while, the big shade trees were inviting us to come sit for a spell.

So much reflection. So much emotional release. So much healing. It was a natural pain reliever.

We saw some birds and butterflies passing through, and our hearts skipped a beat. Mama loves a good butterfly, you know.

Even though a tiny life was not there physically with us, life was there. We could feel and see it. He sent us the reminders we needed. We are thankful for a little angel who knows how to deliver. These broken down parents needed every minute of it.

We love you to the moon and back Jackson Neil.

After our time in the amphitheater, we decided to continue our walk through the Arboretum. It seemed like a good time to do some exploring, or to "walk it out" as I like to say.

 A picture for you, Abby! Found it all by itself :)

This part of our day is quite funny.

We are just walking and walking. Actually, we were both in unicorn land. You know, that place where you see the coolest things? You believe anything and it is just a happy, happy place.

Conversations like...

"Oh, look a butterfly!" 


"Look at the hummingbird! Do you see it?!"


"Check this out!"

It is a super cool place. I like to hang out there, and often. It has been hard to visit lately, but I welcome it when it shows up. I love me a good unicorn.

 In other words, we were completely oblivious to things around us.

Russ had just made the statement, "I feel like there are snakes here".  He says this as we are practically skipping merrily around the Arboretum.

Not cool Russ. Not cool.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I despise a flippin' snake. Cannot. Stand. Them. I do not even like to be in the same room as a snake. If they come on TV, I change the channel.  The movie Snakes on a Plane, forget about it. Anything that can slither faster than a person can walk, is no friend of mine. As far as I am concerned, they are all poisonous and they are all going to bite me.

I had just gotten done taking a picture and pulled the camera back down to view it....and at the same time 

Russ and I almost stepped on this big fella....

I cleared a 4.4 second 40 yard dash. I ran like it was my job. I did the high knees run too. Completely left Russ, aka Jack Hanna, with the ferocious beast. I know I made up a cuss word, and got the hell outta there.

I hauled it up to this opening where one path meets another and saw a couple of guys coming up from the other direction. I know that I was acting like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy, except shouting "Killer bees! Killer Bees! Save yourself!"....I was winded, hunched over and saying "There is a large snake down there...just right there...save yourself!". I was doing some kind of weird hand movement that was like windshield wiper motion and was panting like a dog on a hot summer day.

The men just kept walking. Unfazed and certainly not coming to the rescue. I think....or I know....they thought I was koo koo crazy.

Unicorn time came to a screeching halt. All because of a snake. Damn snakes ruin everything. Good for nothing.

After I calmed down (slightly), I called down to Russ because my rear end was NOT going back down that path. Apparently since I left the scene, he and the snake had decided to become best friends. Neat. His response?

"Oh, it is just a rat snake. Just a rat snake. Gosh it is the biggest rat snake I have ever seen! It is over 5 feet long! It is not poisonous. Man this thing is huge! It is just sitting here.  Did you see it? We almost stepped right on it!"

Thanks, Jack. Thanks for nothing.

I was fit to be tied. Where there is one, there has to be more. I was just sure we were going to come across a whole tribe of them. If we encountered more...I was ready. Ready to run like hell.

Russ informed me that snakes do not travel in packs. Awesome.

Can't find the snake in the photo above? Good. I was about 900 yards away.



Eventually, Russ was able to coax me into coming back down the path. How? I have no idea. I high stepped it back down the path, and we got back to walking. The hair on my neck was still at full attention and I had the willies for the next hour. Despise a snake, love a good unicorn. I am real, real sad these two things had to meet up on the same day.

We joke about the snake, and it actually felt good to laugh over something like that. I know I was ridiculous. I know I caused a scene. I know it was a funny thing that went down. At the end of it all, it felt good for us to laugh and mean it. Life moving forward? We think so.

We stopped along the way to talk, breathe, laugh and even wipe tears off our cheeks.

Love a good lilly pond. We sent wishes for all three of us. Wishes for hope and healing. We gave thanks for some good days too.

We stopped by the learning center and greenhouse.

Got some more learning in for the day.

Almost as cool of knowledge as bonsai trees. Almost.

We asked for directions to an exhibit called "The Quilt Garden". My mom had asked us to find it, and let her know what we saw.

It was really, really cool. It was beautiful. It was something special.

See for yourself.

Name that pattern quilters!

If I know my patterns like I think I do, this little gem is a Log Cabin.

Boo ya.

This particular part of the Arboretum is a special one. Quilts are a big part of our lives, and are a source of comfort for us. We appreciate them and love them. My mother has seen the power of quilting and its positive effect on people's lives. Quilting brings people together. Quilting and quilts alone heal people. We usually are never without a quilt. There are quilts in every room. We take them on all trips, big or small. They even go to the hospital with us.

Jackson has a quilt that my mom made months before he came. I received it at his first shower at the beginning of March. We lovingly built a nursery around this quilt. My mom designed this pattern for her book. It is called "Sunnyside". It is ironic that this quilt has only beautiful suns all over it. Even more reason for us to feel how we feel when we get a moment outside and the sun hits us just right. 

It was, and will always be my favorite pattern she has ever designed. It will always be my favorite quilt she has ever made.


An aqua quilt for the aqua man (the nursery is aqua, white and tan), and suns because our boy is the sun. He would have loved this quilt. I take that back. I know he loves this quilt.


We will put a label on the inside of this quilt for our next child, as this quilt will be a gift from big brother Jackson.

 

It currently waits in the nursery for a brighter days. This quilt will get the love it deserves. It will see happiness again. It will get dragged around the house, cuddled with, loved on, used to make a great fort or a cape, danced on, snuggled with during a sick day, taken on every trip and wrapped up under during movie nights. This is how I remember quilts growing up, so that is the life this little quilt will know.


And my mom will be there to patch up the quilt, so it can have a long healthy quilt life....and she probably will crank out a few more quilts along the way :) Just sayin'.

Back to the scenery.

Quilts. Good stuff right there.

This guy now loves a good quilt. Officially converted over. Just how we like it :)

After The Quilt Garden, we had seen just about all of the Arboretum. We did a little more walking and talking, and made our way towards the car. We saw a sweet older couple taking their picture underneath an arbor, and that just made our hearts smile. Sweet and perfect. You wonder if that is what you will be doing in 50 years.

Absolutely.

Ah, a good gate. Can I get an Amen that this will be a cute photo op with a little muse one day? 

The Arboretum really was a perfect day. We are so glad we went, and we know we can go anytime we want. Our son is with us all the time, but there is a different type of feeling we get from him when we are there. It is just like going to church.


Thank you sweet angel Jackson for a great day. We love you and miss you, all day everyday. Thank you for helping your mom and dad's heart heal just a little bit.

Time for some Footprints and Hope stories.

My favorite time. These stories make us so happy. I just had no idea how many people really really loved our son. A child beloved by so many. It is mind blowing. Every story glues our heart back together one tiny piece at a time.

Keep on loving him. He is amazing, and so very loveable. We are happy to share our angel with everyone.

Butterfly sightings.

I have the opportunity to work with a band of total rock stars. They are wonderful people, and I am very grateful to get to work with all of them. They have all be unbelievably supportive during this time, and I know they are going to be fabulous in helping me transition back to work in a few weeks.

Just a few days ago, one of them who attended the memorial shared with me a butterfly sighting. During the memorial when the sun came out for just a few minutes, she saw a butterfly! It went up, down, back up and eventually flew away were she could not see it anymore. About the time it took off, the sun was making an exit too. She shared this with me after she read the post about his garden. She saw how connected I was to the iron butterflies, and thought that I definitely needed to hear about what she saw!

Another counterpart shared with me that she saw a butterfly the day after Jackson passed away. She was sitting at a stop light, and a butterfly just zipped right across her front window. She immediately thought about Jackson. That was a tough day for everyone, and that little butterfly helped her feel a little better on a sad day. She felt his presence.

Thanks for sharing your stories sweet friends! We hope you see many more butterflies!

Tomorrow we are attending Love Not Forgotten support group meeting. We are ready and it is time. We know it will not be easy, but we are looking forward to meeting other couples in the area that are in the same boat as us. Strength is numbers. Healing in numbers.

Time to share some hope and hopefully get some hope in return.

Thank you for reading and coming with us on our journey. Much more to share this week.

"How very softly you tiptoed into my world. Almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footsteps have left on my heart."- Anonymous

We miss you angel.

Love,
Emily and Russ