Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Our Story

"We love you forever. We like you for always. As long as we are living, our baby boy you will be."-Modified from the "Love You Forever" book by Robert Munsch

Jackson Neil DeLoach
Born May 7, 2012
6 pounds, 13 ounces
20 inches





































This is our story. This is our life as we know it. It is a beautiful life and it is a hard life. That is all we know, and that is how we choose to look at it right now. There is beauty in pain. There is life in death. There is happiness in sorrow. But most of all....most of all there is love. You will find that when you read this blog, you will hear us reference HOPE. This is our chosen word that is getting us through not just one day at a time, but one hour at a time, and even sometimes one minute at a time.  We know that you can find hope anywhere, and we believe in our hearts that our son is telling us to have a whole lot of HOPE, FAITH and LOVE. We have HOPE for the future, we have strong FAITH that life will move forward, and we have so much LOVE for each other, our families, and our friends.  We will be better, and not bitter. We understand that this situation is definitely horrible (no doubt about that), but we are choosing to find hope in all of it. My mother said the following statement to us as soon as she arrived in the operating room after we had just learned the news that would forever change our lives...."We are going to walk right through the middle of this." You know what? She is right. Moms always are. If you did not know that, write it down. We will walk through this. Not today, but we will. We both know strength, and we both know how to get up and march. When our emotional and physical wounds are healed, you can find us marching forward because we have each other, our angel, and a legion of family and friends cheering for us every step of the way. There is a future for us, and good lordy is it beautiful.

I (Emily) will try to tell our story as best I can through the few pictures we have. As you get to know us, you will find that I love photography. It gives me peace and I feel like the creative side of my brain is fed when I am behind my camera. I have enjoyed photography even more since the passing of our Jackson. I can feel him tapping me on the shoulder telling me to get back to what I love.  A small reminder from our tiny angel.

Some pictures may not exactly "fit" what I am sharing, but the shot may just stand for something beautiful in a story with great heartache....look at the picture and see the HOPE. You will see it, I promise. We can see it and we believe in it.

On to our story.....


So, if we are starting from the top...and that is the only way I know to tell a story....Lets just go ahead and state right now that this story will be a long one.

Here we go....


The plan was simple. Buy a home, and then have a baby. How easy is that? The house part went perfectly. Actually...too perfectly. People warned us that if we could survive building a house together, we could survive anything. Not only did we survive it, but we loved it and loved each other through the whole thing. No fights, no wanting to hit the abort button...just us building a future that was and still is awesome. Well...maybe one squabble, and that had to do with pure exhaustion and starvation from the move-in. It is amazing how worked up you can get over hanging a lantern on a wall. Russ is very detail oriented and meticulous when it comes to projects....and me? I just like to throw a nail up on the wall, say a Hail Mary and hope for the best outcome possible.

We found ourselves to be so proud of our first little home and we immediately knew we wanted to fill it with children. Russ and I are "those people" that have always talked openly about children. I am fairly sure that we actually came up with the name Jackson Neil DeLoach over some boneless buffalo wings and beer on one of our very early dates. I knew I would marry Russ, and I also had this feeling that one day we would not only have children...but we would have a son, even though we did not care (and still do not care) what we had.  Turns out I was right.

So we got settled in the house and immediately started to focus on the future and bringing a child into the world.

 After some months of questioning what was going on and feeling frustrated, our prayers were answered! We were so excited! We saw an extremely early heartbeat at 6 1/2 weeks and we just knew this baby was going to make it and be so strong. I can remember the first time we saw him. It was the greatest moment in our lives. We were going to be parents. I remember thinking that walking down the aisle to a teary eyed groom was the greatest moment life had to offer. Now? It is seeing a tiny heartbeat on a embryo the size of a piece of rice.

We had a textbook pregnancy. I felt fabulous. Never felt better. Slept great, and just felt good about myself. I had some heartburn, but who really cares about that. To be quite honest, I loved being pregnant. We had a slight scare that started around week 32, but we hurdled all obstacles and Jackson chose the right path of staying in the oven for a bit longer. The upside to him scaring everyone is we got to see him on ultrasound more than we were supposed to. This really lifted our spirits. Everyone confirmed that he was happy and healthy. Nothing to be alarmed about. We loved seeing him and we could have sat and stared at the monitor all day. Who knew that those precious moments on a black and white monitor would be the only images we really have of him. We know he liked to stick his tongue out, and we know that he also liked to suck his thumb. He was also very active! He was beautiful and absolutely precious. A gift from God that we could not wait to meet.


So we made it to the 36 (I was almost 37 weeks) week appointment. Our sweet doctor cheered as we officially made it through the scary part and she assured us that we have a full term baby on our hands. If he came now, he is good to go. What a relief! After that appointment we went into full nesting mode. We made some final trips around town to get the last "must have" baby items on Saturday (5/5), washed and put away everything, and packed the hospital bag. We continued to nest on Sunday. I should have noted the energy surge I had on Sunday as a sign that he was coming. I went crazy on my company car, spray painted (with a mask on) a rocking chair and shelf for Jackson's room, and just had to make a batch of double chocolate brownies.

Later on that Sunday evening, we went down the street to our friends house for a cookout. It was a beautiful evening, and we enjoyed a nice meal outside on their patio. After we had finished a round of burgers, we moved onto my brownies. It was during the brownie portion of the party that my water officially broke! Not exactly where I dreamed it would happen, but thank goodness we were surrounded by close friends who had a little one not long ago. They sprung into action and we immediately fled the scene. I wonder if they want that towel they loaned me back? :)

We arrived back at our house and called the doctor. She told us to be at the hospital within 2 hours. We needed that hour or so to shower, pack, call our family, and calmly head to the hospital. I am a planner to my core, and I realized during that time at home that you are really never ready to go to the hospital. Our house felt like the opening scenes of the movie Home Alone.  We were both just running everywhere doing 1,000 things. I know Russ told me several times to just focus on getting myself dressed and ready, and he would handle everything else. Somehow, we managed to pull out of the driveway with our car loaded down like a sleigh. We were on time and all dolled up like we were going on a typical "date night". At that moment it seemed important to not only smell good, but to have on a fresh coat of my chapstick-lipgloss combination. I remember turning to Russ and saying "Next time we pull back in we will have Jackson with us." He smiled an unforgettable smile, and I am sure my heart skipped a beat. Those are the moments you remember because you waited your whole life to feel that way.


We were checked in by 10:00 PM and could not have been more excited! I still felt great, and did not feel like I was in labor at all. I did not enjoy the part where it felt like they were checking my tonsils through my you-know-what, but it had to be done to determine what was going on. The nurse told us that we were not even fully effaced (still holding at around 80-90% like we were at the appointment that past Friday), and we were not dilated. Since my water had broken, we had to stay at the hospital and they were going to have to probably move things along with pitocin. 

It was time to move from check-in to the official labor and delivery room! We were greeted and escorted to our room by our sweet night labor and delivery nurse. She made us feel comfortable and was determined to make this as smooth as possible. Not long after we were in our room we were visited by the doctor on call from our practice. She was fabulous, and walked us through a couple of options for how to move this labor along. We landed on pitocin.  I had some reservations, and it certainly was not what we had hoped for. I just knew it was going to send me straight into labor orbit and I knew it could cause some (or an ever loving ton) of pain. I was just fearful of it knowing that I had not even fully effaced or dilated yet. I could do the math in my head and I just knew that this little pitocin drip was going to rock my world.

The pitocin party started around midnight. Every 45 minutes to an hour they would crank it up to get the contractions going on a consistent pattern. Things started off smoothly and it was tolerable. Jackson was doing just fine, and so was I.

My mother, father and sister arrived at the hospital around 3:30 AM. They were so excited and it was so great to see them. I was really feeling the tough part of labor by that point, and they did everything they could to make me feel better. My mom and sister worked with me through the night so that Russ could get some much needed sleep. We got up and walked the halls and we even used the medicine ball to try to edge off the pain AND speed things up. We could tell by the monitor that Jackson was doing fantastic and we could also tell that I was contracting like crazy. We received a check-up around 5:00 and we learned that we were just 2-3 cm dilated. That was not fun news.  So they kept pushing that pitocin and encouraging me along the way. I reached a point where I needed something to help with the pain. I just kept saying "If I can get a break in these contractions, just for a minute or two, I will be good to go.". That is all I could think about. Just a small break. I requested some IV narcotics, and they delivered them. I swore they did not help, but my mom said it calmed me down and clearly took the edge off of things. I still felt tremendous pain and just wanted it to stop.

So about 7:00 AM, I was so done with the pain of labor. Put a fork in me, DONE. I could have been 3 cm or 10 cm at that point..I did not care. I was getting an epidural. In my mind I was not much more dilated that I was before, there was NO WAY I could be. I received the epidural a little after 7:00 and immediately felt much better. Thank you modern medicine. Thank you. Epidurals are a bea-u-ti-ful thing. It was shift change at the hospital, and we said goodbye to our night nurse. My OB doctor was on call next, so she came in shortly after the epidural to do a quick check. Let me tell you, we had low expectations for this check. We had just told my dad and sister to go home because we were SURE it would be a long long time before Jackson arrived.

She spent about 5 seconds down there and said "You are at 10 cm!". We all about fell on the floor. Seriously?!? When did that happen?! All we know is that I dilated quickly and it that is why I was really feeling so badly and in so much pain for those couple of hours in between checks. I am quite proud of myself for basically making it the whole way with little medication.
 
My mom called the family back to the hospital because we were told that we would probably have Jackson well before noon. You could feel the excitement and electricity in the room as we geared up for Push Fest 2K12!

There was a nice span of time between the check and pushing that we spent just relaxing and preparing for the hard part ahead. Russ' mother and sister arrived and we got to spend some good time with them before game time. The epidural allowed me to relax, regain some energy and be very present. We actually did not start pushing until around 9:30.

I have to take a minute and talk about our daytime labor and delivery nurse. Just typing this causes even more tears to flow down my already soaked face. I wish I could type her name, but you have to be sensitive about these types of things on the internet. What can I tell you? She was more than a nurse. She is an angel. She is a blessing. She is perfect. She is our friend. Have you ever met someone who impacts your life and you barely know them? She is that person. Have you met someone and you know they are doing exactly what they were called to do? She is that person. You will hear us talk about her many times throughout the remainder of our story, and you will probably hear us talk about her for the remainder of our lives. You will want to be around her and know her, I promise.


About 9:40ish we decided it was time to take a run at pushing. I was still having crazy contractions and we just knew it was time. We had all family leave and head off to the waiting room, except for my mom. She was almost out the door when Russ and I called her back. Something tugged at both of hearts at the same time, and we just knew that she needed to be there. We know that "something" was Jackson.

Pushing was hard. Pushing was very hard. My husband was something else. He counted like a true coach, and he even added extra seconds if I stopped pushing too early. Mom kept me breathing, Russ kept a good count, and our nurse called me out if I was not pushing properly. They cheered for me and said all kinds of motivational stuff that gave me confidence that I could get through it. This cycle lasted nearly 2 hours. My doctor came in periodically to check and helped me do a couple of rounds of pushing. That's right, 4 cheerleaders at one point. Party in our room.

Now is when our story turns quite sad and tragic.

Almost 2 hours exactly into pushing, Jackson's heartbeat went from a solid and consistent 140 BPM to 55 to nothing. Our nurse was frantically feeling around for a heartbeat and could not find it. She called in other nurses and even another doctor. They were trying everything they could to find a heartbeat. There was none. We heard the word "C-Section" and the rails went up on the bed. I was torn away from Russ and my mom. They wheeled me quickly down the hall to the OR. I was terrified. I could not breathe. I did not understand. They were all talking so fast and yelling.

We were in the OR and they quickly scanned for a heartbeat. There was none. They moved me from the bed to the operating table and strapped me down. They tried to ask me if I could feel anything and I could not even get words out at that point. I told them I could not feel anything, not even knowing if that was the truth. I wanted Russ and it felt like an eternity before they would deliver him to me. I felt the cut and my body swaying back and forth to get Jackson out. He was so far down in the birth canal. They had to work to get him out. I felt him come out of my body, but I never heard my sweet boy cry.  You live for that and you dream about it, and that moment never happened. As his mother, I needed to hear him cry.
They put a large oxygen mask on me to help me breathe. I can tell you that breathing is about the last thing I wanted to do at this point. I wanted to die. Hate to say it, but I did.  Finally, Russ was by my side. He was a mess. I was a mess. We both could not comprehend what was going on. Our nurse did her best to keep us calm and she bravely gave us reports. We knew the NICU team was working on him. I could hear them quietly working on Jackson. I could also hear them ripping open sterile surgical items to try to bring him back. The one thing we wanted and needed to hear never came. I turned my head to our nurse and said "I am not stupid, he has been down too long. Jackson is gone. I know it.".  I could do the math and I knew he was gone. I knew it long before we were actually told anything. At that moment, there was no hope.

Not too long after that we received the confirmation that our sweet Jackson did not make it. Our son gained his angel wings at 12:09 on May 7, 2012.
 This news came just minutes into an hour long surgery. All we could do was sit there and wait. It was awful. I was strapped down and my husband was practically balled up right beside my head. We were both wailing crying. I started to shake uncontrollably and they wrapped me up as best they could with some warm towels. At this point, we both wanted to die.

We told our nurse to go down to the waiting room and tell the family. Keep in mind that my mom had an idea of what was going on because she was in the labor and delivery room with us when we lost his heartbeat. My mom was able to tell the family some of what was going on before our nurse arrived.

While she was gone we requested that they allow another family member to be with us in the OR. We needed someone that we knew to be there and help us. We were in that place of not being able to breathe, speak, or more forward. Lord knows we could not understand. They told us they were going to get my mom and they would be back in a few minutes. A few minutes in that OR felt like a couple of hours.

Before they brought my mom in, the NICU doctor came to us and tried to explain what had happened. More than anything I remember him apologizing and trying to console us. He was a very kind man, and you can tell he was very shaken up. We knew the entire team did everything they could. We could see it on their faces. No one wants to see this happen. No one is prepared when this happens.

The whole operating room was crying. Not one dry eye. Many had to step out for few minutes to catch their breath. No one left though.
 Finally, they finished working on me. They lowered the sheets and turned off the lights. The reality of the situation set in. They moved me from the operating table to a rolling bed for transport to post-op. I could see everyone now. I think there had to be around 12 people in that OR, and they were all crying and hugging each other. Many were praying. Every one of them came up to Russ and I to offer their condolences and tearful apologies. They were all amazing.  It was a powerful moment that Russ and I will never forget. Our son touched all of them, and that is exactly what any parent would want for their child.

What happened next?

They put Jackson in my arms.

The team did not give us a choice in the matter, and we were skeptical of going through this process. They knew what they were doing, even though it was painful for them too. Looking back on it, we are so very grateful and glad they pushed us to hold him.

Let me tell you about our son, Jackson Neil DeLoach.

He was beautiful. He was the perfect hybrid of Russ and me. Jackson really looked like both of us. He clearly had my mouth and lips and brow line. He had Russ' chin and ears, as well as his hands and feet. We thought he would have a ton of hair, and he had just a little peach fuzz for hair. It almost had a strawberry tinge to it. He had full cheeks, and the sweetest nose that if we had to say...looks more like Russ' nose. He was so tiny and sweet. He had a permanent smile on his face that gave us the peace we needed to know that he was happy and safe.  He could not have been more precious.

They wheeled me down to the post-op area with Jackson in my arms, Russ and mom by my side and a brigade of nurses following us. That incredible team even went a step further to put us in a room that was tucked away from all the action on that floor. This allowed us to spend more time with him and allowed not just us, but what felt like the entire hospital, time to grieve. Many nurses, doctors and hospital personnel stopped in to see us. There was not one dry eye in the hospital, I can tell you that much. They had to hold me down there for 1 hour post-surgery for observation. That hour was a long and painful one. No one had answers and no one had words for what had just happened.

Our nurse was buzzing in and out of our room trying her best to console everyone. I admire how strong she was through all of this. Lord knows she was in just as much pain and agony as we were. She brought in Russ' mother at the most perfect time. Russ needed to hug her and have an emotional release with a member of his family. After that, there came a point where Russ and I needed a few minutes alone. The two moms took Jackson for a while, they turned off the lights, and all the nurses left the room. Russ and I were alone and we still had no words. Just tears. Lots of tears.

I can remember clearly turning a corner during this time with Russ. Thank God I did. The track I was on was going to lead me no where. I remember looking at his face buried in his hands and seeing his tear soaked shirt....and it hit me. Time to stop wanting to die and check-out of life. Time to live for my husband. He needed me, and he was not going to lose 2 of us in one day. I needed to trust that this amazing hospital would take care of me, and that I was going to be just fine.

The hour of post-op time was over. Time to move me to a room. They honored our request of NOT wanting to be on the Mother-Baby floor. That would have been unbearable. So, we begun the journey to the Women's MedSurg floor. I held Jackson tightly and cried the whole way.

We got settled in our little room and prepared to receive the rest of the family. 

The family slowly poured in the room and everyone got the chance to have a few minutes with Jackson. This was a very therapeutic time for all of us, and we are so thankful that our nurse made sure that we all had as much time as possible with him. We are also grateful that she took photos of this time because that is all we have of our angel. Russ and I have yet to view these photos, and we may never view them. However, there is comfort in knowing they are there.

We insisted on them getting his weight, length, and footprints. This was so important to us, and we wanted to know everything we could about him. Our nurse and another nurse worked diligently to create a memory box for us. They make these when a baby or child passes away. We have yet to go through the entire box,as it is too hard right now, but we will. We know there are some notes, scripture, a beautiful blue gown, some additional sets of footprints, as well as a very special knit hat and booties. The hat and booties are from the group "Love Not Forgotten" and that is a support group for parents who have lost a baby from conception through the first year of life. They meet on the 2nd and 4th Monday's of the month. Russ and I plan on not only attending this group in the coming weeks, but we also plan to be very active within the group. There is the hope shining through. We love you so much JND.

The hours flew by.

It was time for everyone to say goodbye to Jackson, and leave the hospital for the night. We watched as everyone hugged, kissed and loved on Jackson. They one by one exited the room for the night. Everyone was soaked from the tears and their were cheeks raw from the wiping the emotions of the day from their faces. No one really wanted to leave, just like no one really wanted to believe that this tragic event even happened.

I could feel my chest tighten as I realized that things were about to get quiet. Russ and I were not only going to be alone with Jackson, but soon it would be time to say goodbye.

The door shut, and everyone was gone.

Alone.

Just us three. The moment you waited for, just very different than you imagined.

We spent some more time looking at him, like any new parent would do. We kissed his toes and held his hands. We told him "We Love You" and "You are perfect", no less than 1,000 times. Finally, I pushed Russ to hold him. He was having a hard time with this, and I completely understood why. It is so hard. I needed to see him hold his son. I know my husband inside-and-out, and I knew on day he would regret not holding him.

Thankfully, he held him for a few minutes and it was so beautiful. He looked like pro holding him, and he had the moment with Jackson that his heart and soul needed. He was and still is a Daddy.

Russ told me that it was time.

Time to say goodbye. Time to let him go.

Those are the words that shatter your heart. Russ was so strong. He did not want to let him go either, he just knew it was time.

There is no measure of time that is enough with someone you love. 

We said to him:


"We will love you FOREVER."

As soon as we got those words out and a few final kisses and squeezes, the team arrived to pick him up. I tearfully handed him over to those very kind ladies and we said a prayer. I made them promise to take care of him and hold him tight. They swaddled him and took him from us. That is the last time we saw the love of our life, Jackson Neil DeLoach.

We spent the next 5 days in the hospital.


A team of angels put me back together again. I battled a high fever for a few days, and had to go through multiple rounds (and 3 different types) of IV antibiotics. We had a hard time pinpointing the problem. God Bless our doctor, and her tireless efforts to figure it out. After some additional testing, she nailed it and soon we were on the rebound. I would like to thank every doctor, nurse, CNA, and chaplain who took care of me. You all were more than medical personnel to us. You knew we were not only sad and broken, but we were scared. You soothed us and put both of us back together again. You protected us from many things and you watched our room like hawks to make sure we were safe. You hugged us. You cried with us. Many of you broke down in the room with us, and that just make you real. You were all strong, and we know that was not easy. We will never forget any of you, and you all are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing with your life. You have been called to help others, and you are darn good at it. One day we will come visit you all and personally thank you for what you did for us. Thank You Mission Hospital Team. Thank You.


I want to take a few minutes to share with you all what happened from a medical perspective.

Umbilical cords can plant anywhere around the placenta. Our cord planted on the bottom on the placenta. This is not a bad thing. Many babies are successfully delivered with the cord attached there. Our cord was neither too long or too short. It was a perfectly good cord. The problem came when the cord detached from the placenta too early. It just wore off, clotted and broke away. This is why we lost the heartbeat so quickly. He got detached too early in the process. He lost his lifeline before he had the opportunity to take a breath. They did everything they could possibly do to save him.

This only happens to around 2-4% of total births.

It is extremely rare.

We are glad that we did the autopsy, otherwise we would not have known what happened.


Jackson was perfectly perfect. He was a healthy, fully developed baby. We just experienced an unfortunate series of medical events that caused our baby to go too soon. Nothing was wrong with him.

We use the phrase "Horrible but Hopeful" these days.

Yes this is horrible. Very horrible. No doubt about that. We experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in just a matter of minutes. We prepared for life, not death. Horrible? You bet.

We are hopeful.
 We are hopeful about the future. We know that this type of tragedy will not happen to us again. We know we CAN and WILL have more children.  Next time, we will march right into that OR all done up like we are going to the prom and they will lift a baby right out of my belly. We will hear that baby cry. We will cry happy tears. We will win next time and the next time after that. That is our biggest hope, and that is a huge reason that Russ and I even get out of bed in the morning these days. We still have good and bad days, and we will for a very very long time. We just know that you have to look forward and you have to accept that life moves on--and it can and will be painful. Jackson will always have our heart, and we will never ever try to replace him. He made us parents, and that is the greatest gift he could have given us. He is our first born. The children that come next will know Jackson, and they will know they have a very special angel brother in heaven watching over them. He was and still is real. He lives. His footprint is on our heart forever. He made us parents, and little did he know, he made us better people. We will be better people NOT bitter people. Better for our angel son. Better for each other. Better for the world. I want the world to know our son because he is amazing. Touched by, and forever changed by a tiny angel.

"Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."-  For Good from Wicked


I like to look at it as I have had the opportunity to LOVE and BE LOVED by two outstanding men. My husband Russell Neil DeLoach and our baby, Jackson Neil DeLoach. These types of thoughts are the glue that is slowly putting my heart back together again.


One day, our arms will be full of baby again.

We HOPE it is not too long.

One day, we will open the doors to the nursery that we spent months preparing.


One day, we will take the sheets off of the furniture in the nursery and open the shutters to let the sun shine in.

One day we will have a Grand Re-Opening Party for the nursery. There will be champagne.  I hope to be drinking Sparkling Grape Juice on this day. Everyone will be invited.

One day, we will walk in there with a baby.

One day, happiness will fill that room.

One day, our hearts will be bursting with Love and Joy. The feeling of "This is it! This is it!" will come back to us and it will feel good.  It will feel right.

One day, we will rock and gently soothe a baby to sleep in the chair by the window.

One day, we will read books. We will sing songs and always say our prayers before bed.

One day, our son Jackson will send us the sibling he would have wanted. 


One day.



Right now it is closed. Right now it waits. Right now it is even hard to walk by.  Right now it is painful. Right now we have love for just one, and he deserves every bit of our love. After all, he has our hearts. Completely.

Hope.

Faith.

Love.

We believe.

This is our story. This is life. That is all we know.

Thank you for reading the first part of our story about our angel.

I am looking forward to sharing with you the celebration that we had for Jackson on May 12, 2012 in my next post. It was an amazing and perfect day. It is deserving of its own post because it is a beautiful story and the best tribute to our son.

Follow us and walk with us as we journey through life and share our stories.We have much to share.

This blogs name came from the sweet footprints that we have of our son. They are cherished by all of us, and are a lasting reminder of our Jackson. They became a beautiful part of the program for the memorial celebration of Jackson's life. Many people have been positively effected by these footprints, and I will share many of those stories with you in posts to come. Russ and I are in the process of finding an artist who can make these footprints into charms that we can both wear.

And the part about hope in the blog address? I think we are all on board with where that came from :)

Footprints and Hope.


We love you and miss you sweet angel Jackson. Always and Forever.

Love,
Emily and Russ











 
















39 comments:

  1. Emily - I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Your story made me cry! Not only sad tears, but happy ones as well. You will get that little baby one day, and you will open up that nursery and your hearts and fill them with love. You are a fantastic writer and photographer, and no one could have done a better job sharing your story. I love you and miss you and hope that you are able to heal soon.

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  2. Emily - Thank you so much for sharing your story of grief and hope. I have been thinking of you and your family these past few weeks and praying for you to find peace and hope during this difficult time. I hope that you find it therapeutic to share your experience and hopefully being involved in the support group will enable you to start the healing process. Your outlook is amazing and I look forward to sharing in your journey via the blog. in IIKE, Jennifer Herbert

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  3. Thank you for sharing your story, Emily. You, Russ, and Jackson have all touched my heart today. Praying for your sweet family.
    In IIKE,
    Jennifer

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  4. Emily, You and Russ, Y'all are amazing. God and Jackson works through the both of you. There are simply no words to make this heartbreak easier but please know you and your family are wrapped up tightly in my heart and prayers. You have honored Jackson in the most beautiful way possible and he will forever leave footprints in your heart. I am so proud of you.
    -Beth Curl Kline

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  5. Emily, you have such a beautiful soul and God rewarded you with a precious gift. You have accepted God's path in your heart though we don't always understand his choices. You are and will always be a wonderful mother!

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  6. Emily and Russ, you have been and will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. We were saddened to hear of your heartbreak and we're simply going to continue to pray and leave a big (HUG).

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  7. Emily And Russ,
    There are really no words. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I am so very sorry about losing Jackson, but I know you and your family will gain strength through this. Thank you for sharing your story. May God bless you with healing and peace in the days ahead. Jackson will be in your hearts forever.

    Jocelyn

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  8. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are right, "moms are always right". God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

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  9. Emily, Russ and Jackson - not a day goes by that I don't think of you all. Continuing to send strength, love and prayers your way!

    All my love,

    Laurie McKenzie McGuire

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  10. God will carry you through this. Keep your eyes on His Hope and your hearts wrapped in His Love. You and your family remain in my prayers.

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  11. I have nothing wise to say from my own mouth. However, i will say this "may the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus, our Lord."
    May your faith sustain you in this difficult time.
    You have been in the prayers of many of us.

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  12. Thank you for reaching out, touching my heart, and reminding me the power in strong faith. Your journey and outlook thus far is truly inspiring and will touch many people. May God bless you and keep you. -Maggie Dollar

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  13. My heart breaks for you, but I can feel your Hope, and it is a good feeling. I am amazed at your strength, in being able to write this. What a wonderful tribute to Jackson. God bless you and Russ, and my hopes and prayers for brighter days to come.

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  14. Dear Emily and Russ,
    Your story has so much strength in it, even with the sadness; it touches my heart with your memories of Jackson. You and your family are in my prayers, love, Susan

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  15. I, too, have no words that will help to ease the ache in every fiber of your being, but I hope it gives you some comfort to know that you are in the prayers of many people in many places and I am sure God is hearing those prayers and will give you the strength you need. Hugs from Delaware to you and your family.

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  16. Emily, I am so sorry and saddened by your loss. Thank you for sharing your story and inspiration. May you and Russ find peace and comfort in the days ahead, and trust that God will take care of your sweet baby and you and your family. My thoughts and prayers go up for all of you!

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  17. I am so saddened for Your loss. After reading your beautiful story, I am so honored to work in labor and delivery. I never realized how I touch a patients life. Always know that God and Jackson are always watching over you. God bless the both of you and all your family and friends.

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  18. I cried right along with you. I am unsure what to say. God bless you and keep you. All of you. I am happy that the hospital staff had done so much for your family.

    I am glad you are sharing your story. I am grateful you have the awareness to see that this could go to bitter and made a decisionn not to go that route. That is the easy route. I have been praying ever since your mom posted the delivery had started.

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  19. Love and prayers are being sent your way from Australia...May God continue to richly bless you xx
    Krystena

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  20. Oh my goodness, I couldn't make it through this without weeping. You are so strong and you guys WILL make it through this. I treasure the point where you realized you had to get through this for Russ... you will make it because you have each other.

    I will be praying for your family's healing and that when the time is right you will grow again. Your children will always have an older brother and you'll always be a mama to one more child. Hugs and prayers from Knoxville...
    Erin

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  21. Emily and Russ,
    My heart goes out to you both! What a beautiful story about your Angel Jackson. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. The Lord Bless you and Keep you! May you and Russ find peace in the coming days and weeks.
    Much love,
    Mary Helen Dailey (one of your mom's quilting students)
    Conyers, GA

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  22. Emily and Russ,
    I am sending lots of love and prayers your way! Your HOPE will come! What a beautiful story and I thank you both for sharing it with us! God bless both of you and your family!
    Love,
    Leiann Heid (Thimble)
    Conyers, GA

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  23. Dear Emily, you and your husband and your family have been in my prayers for many days now. You did a lovely, wonderful job of sharing your story--Jackson's story. My heart aches for you all. I pray God's comfort, love, strength and the peace that passes all understanding for you. :)

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  24. Dear Emily and Russ. Reading your story I recognize so much. Both your feelings the actions and just a lot of things. I've been through what you are going through at the moment.

    Almost 15 years ago I lost my second son in the last trimester of pregnancy. All I can say is, thank you for sharing a very well written story that I'm sure will touch many people. It touched me too.

    You will learn to live with this and it will take time. It might even take different time and show in different ways between you Emily and you Russ. Let it do so, it's part of the process to come to terms with something like this.

    I love your idea of making those footprints into charms. I didn't think of that however I do have footprints of my angel too. Instead I bought an angel in gold that is holding a band from hand to hand and on that band my sons name is engraved. Even if you will always carry your son in your heart having a neclace with a charm connected to your angel feels right because its then also more visible to the world around you.

    I live overseas from you and I hope I have gotten the english right in this comment. If you want to contact me as one angle mom to another you should be able to do so through my profile.

    Many hugs of comfort from me and take care.

    /Lina

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  25. Absolutely beautiful story! I am just beside myself with emotion...and admiration for you. You are both so strong and it is truly inspiring. God bless you and your family.

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  26. Thank you for sharing this. Things are indescribably sad for you right now, but I know it will get better gradually for all of you.

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  27. WOW!!! You and Russ are amazing. We LOVE you.

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  28. Emily and Russ,
    Thank you for sharing your journey, even as painful as it has been. Your words are absolutely beautiful and ring of the truth and hope of life. It is the power of the powerless sometimes that teaches us about grace....you both have amazing grace.

    May you continue to find comfort when you need it and strength in one another.

    Hugs,
    Kelly...a friend of Pat Wys

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  29. Emily, My heart is sad and happy for you. You have been touched by many many wonderfull souls, you have a sweet angel watching over you and you have hope. Jackson will live in your heart and ours forever, your story has just begun and you will sit in that chair by the window one day and tell your next baby all about their brother Jackson.
    Hugs & Prayers to you

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  30. I admire your ability to document this life changing experience. I was moved to tears both by the loss, your pain, and by your great strength. I prayed for you and your husband today. God bless, Sarah (friend of Tiffany G.)

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  31. Hi:
    I came to your blog from your Mom (silver thimble)even if I have been following your story for alittle while now. As a Mom and having lost before childbirth I know how you feel. But I PROMISE you that you will not only make it but succeed. A love from a supportive spouse is one of the most needed items, from both sides. I have gone on to have other children and almost 11 Grands, but I still wonder about the lost one. But I do know Heavenly Father doesn't give us more than we can handle, you are a strong beautiful spirit. Jackson must be so proud of you both. Thank you for sharing with us your journey and know that alot of people out here not only cares, but are here with prayers and an open ear. Please feel free to reach out to me, and know that I will listen and support.
    Hugs,
    Vicki R
    sunraesban@yahoo.com

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  32. Emily and Russ,
    I have been following your mom's blog for a while now, since she spoke at our quilt guild, and have agonized with her over the death of little Jackson. I have seen my oldest son and his wife go through the loss of an infant twice, and I know the agony you are feeling. Just know that God never makes a mistake, His timing is always perfect, and this experience will not be wasted in His economy. I love the verse you mom put on the top of her page from Psalm 139, about how our days were known to God even before we were born. He sees the end from the beginning, and can use even this for His glory. You all will be in my prayers!
    Joy

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  33. Emily & Russ,
    We love you both so much! We know we tell you that every time we see you now, but Jackson has touched our hearts FOREVER and we are not going to miss an opportunity to tell someone that we love them. You two have been such amazing friends to us and we have shared in so much together. Your love for each other is so beautiful. Jackson knows what a wonderful mommy and daddy he has and he will shine down on you. We love you and we will be here for you always!!!
    Love,
    Kris & Stephanie

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  34. God Bless the both of you. I am praying for you. Your story is so well written. Please keep up the writing and photography honey. Both of you just hold each other and love each other through this. My mother lost her first born, my sister, before me. I am so glad that you are going to the support group meetings. Life is so short. Please know that you have many bright days ahead of you in your long and lasting marriage... You will have a wonderful life and this will make you stronger. You will see dear Jackson again one day and when you stand before Jesus, HE will make it all clear as to HIS plan. We are not in control of what HE wants. We have to have faith and it is so hard sometimes. I struggle with it. I lost my daddy to suicide and I miss him every day of my life. Even though it's been probably 20 years now... I'm sorry I'm rambling dear, but I'm speaking from my heart and I hope to somehow bring you comfort in know that we all have grief in our lives. Yours is ESPECIALLY difficult. Especially hard to understand and endure. I admire you SO for all your strength and what you are doing. Please be gentle with yourself. Please take time to heal, both physically and emotionally. Follow your heart. You both will make it through this dark valley. I promise. Together. Love ya honey. Sandra

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  35. Emily,
    Hey there I do not know you but I do know your husband. As I sat and read this story I have cried like a baby. I recently had a baby boy this past December and so I know all the emotions pregnancy and being a new mom can bring. I have to tell you that you are such an inspiring person. I really don't know that I could be that strong if I was faced with what you are dealing with. Thank you for sharing the intimate details of your story. You will definitely help others who are faced with the same loss. I will keep you and Russ in my prayers as you continue to move forward and heal. I wish God's richest blessings on you both in the days ahead.
    Lauren voorhees

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  36. Emily, I found your blog from Meredith Underwood when she was telling me about the memorial fund for Jackson. I am sitting here sobbing as I read your story. Your strength is inspiring and you and Russ will be in my prayers. You are a wonderful writer and I can feel so much of your emotion as I read your words. Thank you for sharing your story. I know there are other mothers out there who will find your blog and be thankful they found it. I wish you all the best.

    Erin Carroll

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  37. Emily, I read your story today while sitting at work, needless to say I ended up crying. Your story is so powerful and I am praying for you & Russ. I know this hasn't been easy and the worse thing you've experienced. I am impressed with how open you are and trying to deal with unfortunate circumstance the best way you can. I pray one day soon Jackson will have a younger sibling or 2 to watch over.

    IIKE
    Crystal Warren

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  38. Emily, I read your story today while sitting at work, needless to say I ended up crying. Your story is so powerful and I am praying for you & Russ. I know this hasn't been easy and the worse thing you've experienced. I am impressed with how open you are and trying to deal with unfortunate circumstance the best way you can. I pray one day soon Jackson will have a younger sibling or 2 to watch over.

    IIKE
    Crystal Warren

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  39. Dear Emily,

    This is Jenny, Mary O'Keefe's older sister. I didn't know about your little boy until I saw Stephanie Chapman's post on Oct. 15th. There were many sad posts on my news feed that day and even though I have two sweet babies Earthside, as someone who supports women in labor as a doula, I felt some of the pain as though it were my own. I know that if I stay in the profession long enough, I'm likely to one day support a woman who loses a baby in childbirth so I think I'm attempting to prepare myself for that possibility and how I could handle it with grace. I looked up your blog and could not have been more touched by the achingly beautiful story of your little family of three. It was so good to be reminded of the beauty of faith and hope in the face of tragedy. Thank you for communicating that. I cannot wait to hear good news of your champagne nursery re-opening! Saying prayers that the day will come soon in a way that is both healing to you and your husband, and fitting of #2's awesome big brother.

    In IIKE,
    Jenny Bennett

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