6 and 4

“In times of grief and sorrow I will hold you and rock you and take your grief and make it my own. When you cry I cry and when you hurt I hurt. And together we will try to hold back the floods to tears and despair and make it through the potholed street of life” -Nicholas Sparks The Notebook


Two big milestones in the last week or so.

Jackson is 6 months old.

We have been married for 4 years. 

It is hard to believe that both of these actually happened because it feels like just yesterday that both of them rocked our world.

There is nothing pretty about taking the 6 month bullet, and there is nothing anyone could have done to make it any better. It was an emotionally difficult and distracting day. I am not even sure I was on the same planet as everyone else for the entire day. From sun up to sun down, my baby was on my mind and all I could think about.  Jackson had a grip on my heart that was so tight, I was sure I needed to go straight to the ER because I was going to have a heart attack.  Sometimes I felt like I could not breathe. Most everything made me weepy and I could make any thought produce tears. I teared up while making copies. I teared up while listening to a ridiculously stupid and upbeat song. I teared up loading my car up for the day. I teared up eating lunch. I teared up reading a funny e-card from a friend. And it goes on and on and on. Lets just chalk it up to a really, really sucky day. I love you JND. I miss you JND. I need you JND.

What made it double as hard was the fact that I was literally looking for him all day. I could not feel him around me. I could not find him in the sky (it was rainy and overcast all day). I felt the most empty and the most lost as I ever have been in 6 months. I was just wondering....searching....floating in an endless sea (of grief) with no sun or light to guide me. I needed him, and I could not find him. My arms and heart were empty for a full 24 hours.

My friend Sarah posted this video on her blog a little while back (warning: it is sad). This video shows a mother otter looking for and crying out for her baby after a vicious attack from Killer Whales. It shows the power of love and the heartbreak that comes with a sudden loss of a loved one. This mother otter is crying out for her baby, and does not understand what happened. She is also literally floating in a sea of greif. She takes temporary solace in the back of the boat, but it not enough. She is confused, angry and paralyzed with sadness. She is searching for her baby, even looking at the people in the boat as if to say, "help me find my baby please! Please!".  I totally and completely get how she feels in that moment, I can translate the look on her face, and I can 100%  relate to this precious little mother. I speak the same language that she does. I understand how it feels to cry for your pup, and float in that very sea. It is endless, it is exhausting, it is confusing and the response to your cries that you are looking for....will never be answered. I need my pup to cry back to me, but I will never have the opportunity to hear that. I would swim any distance to get to him. So, here I am taking rest on a boat with family and friends from time-to-time and then back to floating in sea crying for my lost baby pup.

“Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know it's an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.” -Nicholas Sparks (I swear I am not a Nicholas Sparks crazed fan....I just happened to like two of his quotes in one day!)

Jackson-
 
We miss you more and more everyday. 

We need you more and more everyday.
 
We love you more and more everyday.

We wish a Happy 6 Months old to you Jackson Neil DeLoach! Just because you are an angel, does not mean that we cannot try our best to celebrate your half birthday. Your mama grew up celebrating half birthdays, so we will always celebrate yours! Since it feels like half our hearts is here on Earth, we celebrate YOU because the other half of both of our hearts is with you in heaven.

You are a beautiful little angel, who is loved and missed very much. Our lives are not complete without you here. We will never stop loving you, thinking of you, and searching for you. Please continue to watch over us, keep us safe, and keep us healthy. Help us through the next 6 months, the upcoming holiday season, and the obstacles that come with days, weeks and months without you here for us to hold in our arms.

You have done a wonderful job so far, and we are so very proud of you. We continue to be amazed by your beauty, grace, and impact on the world.

You are the great love of our lives.

Always and Forever,

Mama and Daddy

Speaking of Daddy....

4 years ago I married the love of my life.

Neither of us can believe that it has been 4 years. It has been the best 4 years of our lives, that is for sure. In just 4 years we have...
-Loved fiercely and completely
-Laughed until we our sides hurt at each other (laughter is a key ingredient for marital happiness)


-Traveled to Mexico, Destin, Chicago, Milwaukee, Boston, NYC x2, and Charleston
-Visited family and friends in Jackson, Tennessee and Atlanta many times!
-Moved from Jackson to Asheville, North Carolina
-Experienced job loss in the first few weeks of marriage...hence the move mentioned above
-Both of us built more successful careers in a new city
-Built our first home in a place we have fallen in love with

-Welcomed many friends and family into our new home
-Had a wonderful and healthy pregnancy
-Lovingly and excitedly prepared our home for the arrival of our Jackson
-Experienced tremendous and earth shattering loss
-Had a memorial for our baby at our home instead of a homecoming party
-Cried more than you should be allowed to
-Experienced the complete emptiness and darkness that comes with the loss of a baby
-Found more things that we love and can do together, because we are best when together
-Loved each other through every high and low, and through it all.

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a dear friend about our marriages. We were both gushing, and being totally sappy. I kinda love her for this, as she usually says something that fills my cup right up. She said to me, "If I married him today, what a different feeling I would have about it all. The whole experience would have so much more meaning to me. I feel so much differently about him today, as I did then." Well sister, I completely agree. If I married Russ today, I am not sure I could even walk down the aisle. I would be a mess. Do not even ask me to say vows, because I would be in a pool on the floor. My sister has called me a "hot mess" before, and it would definitely apply to how I would look, act and behave in this situation. Maybe we should renew our vows at 5 years? Perhaps I should start to prepare myself now for that.

I love him so much more and much more completely NOW than I did just 4 years ago. I cannot even wrap my mind around what the next 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 and so on years will mean for our great love and our story. We have so much more ahead of us.

And yeah, he is that lucky :)

When he calls me his Bride....I do always think of this shot....*sigh*

Now fast forward to today.....

We went to Atlanta for our anniversary, which is fitting because that is where we got married. We stayed in the same hotel we stayed at on our wedding night! The hotel was fabulous and made our stay perfect. In our room we found chocolate covered strawberries....yum yum.

We took a recommendation from one of my dearest friends, and went to Bones for dinner! It was the most delicious and perfect meal. It was also the best place for us to celebrate and enjoy ourselves. That very same friend sent us with the most amazing bottle of wine! Perfection! Here are some fun photos of dinner... Some are a little funky because I took them all from my phone!

 

 

 And then dessert. Russ insisted on getting the Pecan Pie....Before...

 Insert reaction....

After.....

After dinner we decided to hit up the hotel bar for drinks....it was kinda dark...so these photos are blurry.

 

The next morning we walked around the corner to South City Kitchen for brunch! So so good!

 

 

 

Russ really wanted to try Chicken and Waffles...and here you have it...

Taking it in....

We celebrated our anniversary early, so here is picture of my Groom on our actual anniversary!

I came home to this beautiful display of some of my favorite flowers and the best note to accompany them! I love them and him!

Milestones can mean so many different things.

Milestones can be happy.

Milestones can be sad.

Milestones can be positive and negative or something in between.

Milestones can be celebrated and cursed.

Milestones teach you something--either immediately or later down the road.

Milestones keep us all going, even if we don't love the road we are traveling down.

Milestones can be personal or group related.

Milestones can be private and public.

Milestones touch us all.

Jackson is 6 months old and our marriage is 4 years old.  As we approach the milestone that is Thanksgiving, I have to take a moment and say that I am thankful for both of my boys, RND and JND. I love them both so very much.

Many more milestones to come, and many more to figure out how to deal with. 

So here we are, all loaded up in the car that is life with hope, faith and love on the horizon, and all things terrible, horrible, sad and all-around sucky in the rear view . These horrible things and tough milestones can remain behind us, where they belong and because we have lived through them. Soon, they will fade in the distance and become a faraway reminder of where we have been. Like any good driver, we will check our rear view from time to time to see what has gone down behind us...but not for long because we may miss the promise, hope and sweet goodness that is ahead.

Even though JND should be riding along with us, WE WILL continue to move forward. Slowly.

We will take our Lucy along, even with her current blown knee.....

That is what doped up on pain pills looks like in dog land! Poor pup! She should be better in about 6 weeks :( We HOPE.We hate to see her hurting and hobbling around!! So, we lay with her for a little bit on the floor.....

It is Thanksgiving week. Do not forget to tell someone how much you love them and how thankful you are for them. That is so important. If you can't find the words, find a hug. Find a card. Silently squeeze their hand. Send an e-mail. Send a text. Just tell them. Live through this holiday with zero regret. Life is too short to have regret.

Have you told someone special that you are thankful for them this week? 

I will be back next week to hold up my end of that request and talk about the people and things I am thankful for. I think that will help me get through the Thanksgiving holiday milestone and moving forward.

Have a wonderful week and blessed Thanksgiving with all you love.

Love,
Emily and Russ

 

 
 


 


 

 

We survived.

"If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together...there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart...I’ll always be with you." -- Winnie the Pooh

This quote has to be one of my all-time favorites. I should have included it in the blog a very long time ago, as we have received it from many family members and friends over the past few months. It is such a heart-warming quote, and come on, who does not love some Winnie the Pooh!

I will admit that I have experienced some serious writers block over the past few days. My brain just flat lined and I cannot find a thought if my life depended on it. I think this happened because we have done a fantastic job of keeping incredibly busy. We can't stop and won't stop moving. There are advantages and disadvantages to the schedule we chose to keep these days, and it is nothing short of exhausting. However, it makes the days and weeks fly by and that has been a blessing. We have had some bumps and rough patches along the way, but overall, things are going fairly well.

Some examples of things keeping us busy....

Here is a photo from the American Diabetes Association Step-Out Walk a few weekends ago! We raised over $4,000 for the ADA! I work with the most amazing, wonderful, and inspiring people!

Russ is still coaching football! His team won the first round of playoffs last night! He is talking with someone about the game in this photo, thus intensity face.

We are also spending time enjoying the beautiful Fall scenery and weather! We love and live for the Fall in Asheville. It re-charges the soul, and these weary souls need all of it!

When we are not running around, working or working out....we are enjoying quality quieter time together. We are best when we are together, and we are happiest when we are together. 

We will get through this together.


I will say that I think we deserve a t-shirt that says, "We survived Halloween 2K12".  Talk about a tougher holiday than we expected. I take that back. We should have know what to expect. It is a child's holiday (technically), and I have no idea how we thought we could just blow through it like any other holiday before it. Turns out, it was a day full of what-might-have beens and how-would-this-have-looked and what-would-we-be-doing-right-now's. So so fun.

Would Jackson be in traditional baby pumpkin costume?

Would we have gone for funny and put him in a Humpty Dumpty costume that is literally an egg suit with tights and just watched him tip over because he would be trying to or actually sitting up at this age? Come on, that is funny. Inspiration photo below...

Would he have been a cow? A puppy? A frog? A lion? A baby bear?

He would have been snuggled close because it was a very cold evening!


Gosh, he would have been so cute.

We would have had so much fun.

I think it would have been the first holiday where we could have stepped out and rocked it. It would have been perfect. With a good 5 months (almost 6) under our belt, a little bit of parental confidence, and some holiday excitement...we would have made Halloween 2012 one that we would always remember. 

We would have loved every single minute of it.

I get it that this is just a small-in-scale holiday compared to the holiday storm that is coming our way. It just did not feel that way when we were living through it. Another lesson learned--the smallest things often turn out to be world rockers.

Russ had said days before Halloween that he did not want to participate. This was tough to hear, but I have to be honest and say, I totally get it. I chose to let it go and honor the fact that he was struggling. I accepted the fact that we do not have to handle every little thing head on. Lord knows we have done that with everything else to date.

After he made the comment we never talked again about participating, and I just assumed we were going to have our lights off and just hang out together upstairs during the trick-or-treating madness. A few days later, we were in Target and he suggested that we go ahead and purchase Halloween candy. I was puzzled by the comment and felt very protective of his emotions as we are standing in the home cleaning section. I chose not to go down the, "lets talk about feelings" track in the middle of Target on a Saturday afternoon. I knew he meant what he said, so we pushed our cart over to the candy isle and threw in three monster bags of candy. I wanted to cry and I felt a little piece of my glued-back-together heart chip off. Then add in the fact that one of the bags I grabbed mindlessly was a mix of Skittles and Starburst. We all know how I feel about Skittles. Halloween and a pregnancy trigger. Neat. Oh, and the candy section is right on top of the baby section. Just fantastic. And then throw in that parent right beside you is munching on Target popcorn while unnecessarily yelling at their child who is not doing anything wrong and is clearly looking for parental acknowledgement. Well, isn't this just wonderful. My inner voice cries, ENJOY YOUR POPCORN AND HUG THAT CHILD PLEASE AND THANK YOU. HAVE A NICE DAY.  You want to know what a day feels like? Try that little Target run on for size. That day was a real gem.

We are not bitter. I swear it. Sometimes the world around you is just too hard to take. Holiday or not. That particular 20 minutes in Target was especially rough.

So. We participated in Halloween. We manned up and forged through it. It was OK, I suppose. Then this precious little nugget rang our doorbell....

Is that is not the cutest little elephant you have ever seen?! I love me a good baby elephant. This one goes down in my book as an all-time favorite toddler costume. No contest. He rocked his costume and was so cute! He made Halloween so much better and helped us find strength to finish the day :) Bonus:  the costume had a tail....

I mean seriously. That is so stinkin' cute. I am going to need to borrow this costume one day. Even if it isn't Halloween.

Sunset on Halloween.....kinda blurry....kinda spooky.

This year, and every year Jackson will be dressed like an angel.

That's because he is one.

Our precious and perfect angel.

Ok, so maybe this year he is a pumpkin angel :)

We can see him now all dressed in his beautiful angel wings and a festive pumpkin hat.  He is so cute! Our little Jackson, with his round little face and cute little nose....I just want to squeeze him and never let go!

The only upside--Thank God he is with us everyday in our hearts, and Thank God we will see him again.


Just like Winnie The Pooh said...

You are braver than you believe. Agreed. We survived and we always will. It may hurt a little, but we can be brave.

You are stronger than you seem. Yes. Yes we are. WE are strong. Strong feels good.

You are smarter than you think. Ok :) We will take it!

But the most important thing is, even if we are apart...I will always be with you. ALWAYS AND FOREVER.

I hear this quote, and sometimes I feel like Jackson is whispering it in my ear.  It is so very motivational and uplifting. My little man gives me (us) strength every single day. We may not recognize it at the time, but he delivered it. He just makes us work to figure it out or find it. Usually, were we find strength is where we also find HOPE.

Halloween 2012. Survived.

On to the next one. Yee haw.

I leave this post completely in love with and missing a little pumpkin angel! We love you so much JND!

Love,

Emily and Russ

Ok, one more elephant shot...had to do it!

A Digital Wave of Light and Love

“There is no footprint too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.”

October 15, 2012 was a day for the record books, that is for sure!

The amount of love and support that exploded out of yesterday was one of the most amazing and humbling experiences we have ever witnessed. When we made the request to light a candle at 7 PM in your respective time zone, we really planned on maybe a few responses. 

Well folks, over 100 pictures landed in our laps last night. They kept streaming in all day today. We have never seen anything like it. Most all of the photos came with a story, note, or a prayer. We loved reading and learning about all of the angel babies in Heaven. When we pray from here on out, we can pray more intentionally for all of the precious babies who left us too soon. They are loved. Always and Forever.

We will see them again.

The love that poured out of yesterday was something I just cannot ever find and probably will never find, the right words to explain.  Since I am sure to fall short on words, I am going to transition right over to the amazing and beautiful "digital tidal wave of light". This video is one of my most favorite creations, and I think it fully captures the hope, faith and love that pulsated around the world yesterday. We cherish this video, and will watch it often. It is beautiful and perfect.

Thank you to every single person who lit a candle yesterday.

Thank you for your love.

Thank you for taking time to recognize, support, and honor Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  The act of lighting candles is just one small way we all can give this month the respect it deserves and also help grieving families wrap themselves in sweet baby angel love. I know for a fact that this video will help many Mommies and Daddies out there who are hurting over the loss of their angel. This video has already helped us more than you know.

Always remember,

Pass It On. (You all so did that, keep going!)

Be a candle AND a mirror. Spread your light.

Without any further adieu, here is the Digital Wave of Light :)




WARNING: Find a tissue. Please turn up your volume :) Just a fair warning!

We love and miss you Jackson Neil DeLoach. All for you sweet boy, all for you. Fly baby, fly.

Many Thanks and Love,

Russ and Emily 







  

October Is.....

"There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " -Edith Wharton

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

In the spirit of being open, honest, and vocal....I feel so very compelled and moved to write about this very special month. I ask for you to read this post, and honor the request I am going to make at the end of my sermon. If HALF of the fantastic readers of this little blog complete the request, we will have an amazing and beautiful output and tribute to share with the world. Together we can change the world. Together we are strong.

Here is a little bit of the history behind it all:

In 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month throughout the United States noting that, “National Observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems….”

He went on to say....

"When a child loses a parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses his or her partner, they are called a widow or a widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them.  This month recognizes the loss experienced by so many parents in the United States and around the world.  It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirth, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes."

Ronald Reagan, YOU are a rock star.

However, I respectfully challenge the following statement (with all do respect Mr. President): "When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them". The truth is that there are actually wonderful words to describe them. MOM AND DAD.  They are parents to an angel, and just because their child is not here, does not mean they do not deserve and need to be called by those very special titles.

This month happens for a reason. It is a silent month, that often goes unnoticed. I have learned that pregnancy and infant loss is often something that women (and men too) rarely, if ever, talk about. It is a loss on a different level, and it happens to more Mama's and Daddy's than you can imagine. We must recognize, respect and honor this month.

It happened to us. It is a part of our life. It always will be.

Here is the ribbon used to symbolize Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I love this ribbon. I love how it is blue and pink :) I think my favorite part is the motto, "We Remember". How completely and totally appropriate.

We remember.

We remember every day.

We remember for the rest of our lives.

Here is my request.

October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

The Low Down.....

"The resolution to declare October 15 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day passed the United States House of Representatives on September 28, 2006. In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, it is suggested by many bereavement groups that grieving parents light a candle at 7 p.m. in their respective time zones to create a wave of light around the world in memory of babies lost to pregnancy and infant loss."

What do we want?

We want you to light a candle at 7 pm next Monday, October 15.  We want you to light a candle and take a picture of it. We want you to send your photo to us.

Help us heal, love and grow by lighting a candle.

If you are reading this, I am sure you can think of a number of Mama's and Daddy's out there who have lost the love of their life. I ask you to think about each and every one of them as you light a candle in their honor. If you are a Mama or a Daddy who has an angel or angels in heaven, light that candle and light it real good.

It takes just a second to light a candle.

If you can't light a candle, I think there is even an app where you can have lit candle take over your screen on your phone. Just screen shot that....and voila! Done.

Spread the light by lighting a candle.

Spread the light by sharing this blog or just tell someone about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Ask them to light a candle.

Be a candle AND a mirror.

 They call this candle lighting ceremony a "candle tidal wave". I like to believe that it will be a "candle tsunami". WE raised $10,000 for the JND Camper Scholarship Fund, now why would this be any different?! We can do this.

Here is my e-mail for all those photos! Bring it.

emily.deloach@hotmail.com

I want to put all the photos into a blog and slideshow, and that way we all can see the "digital tidal wave" later on in the month. If this works out like I think it will, it should be quite breathtaking and a beautiful tribute to all the angel babies and their loving parents. If it does not go like I hope, then well....this time next week....you could be staring at a blog post with a single candle lit. Just sayin'. Lets all join together and do this.

**If you would like for me to mention anything with the photo, please note that in your e-mail. If you want complete privacy, that is what you will get unless you specify otherwise.**

Remember:

Be a candle.

Be a mirror. Pass It On. Spread your light.

Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. Your love and support means the world to us!


We Remember.

We Love.

Always and Forever.

Love to all you love in the world,

Emily and Russ

21 Weeks and Triggers

"Everyone needs reminders that the fact of their being on this earth is important and that each life changes everything."-Marge Kennedy

That quote makes me happy in a week fully loaded with triggers. Oh, how one little life has changed everything.

Our  angel son is 21 weeks old.

In some respects, I think the time has gone remarkably fast. In other respects, I cannot describe the pain of the slow moving calendar. It is one of those kind of things where you are like, "Heck yeah, we made it!" while simultaneously saying, "I am exhausted, need rest, and cannot take another minute of this". Ebb and Flow, I suppose.

Sounds schizophrenic, huh? Whatever. It is, what it is.

It is the damn triggers that kill us these days. I attribute it to the fact that the "numbness" has left the building, and we are left with a wound that will not never heal. I get it that this "comes with the territory, and it is part of the journey"....but gosh darn it.....it hurts. And it sucks. And every other choice word you can think of.

Triggers.

1) Skittles. Anyone who was around me during my pregnancy with Jackson knows that I was in love with all things sweet. It was the only craving I really had, and sweets just tasted so good to me.  I remember eating an enormous piece of cake at a friends bridal luncheon in around 1 minute flat, and the rest of the ladies had hardly taken their second bite. Thank heaven my love for strawberry frosted pop tarts quickly faded. I hesitate even mentioning that those were a part of my life during those early weeks of pregnancy.  I housed sweets when they were around, but Skittles really got out of control in my pregnancy. Reece's Pieces are to E.T as Skittles are to a pregnant Emily DeLoach.  

As I was walking out the door for the big Gestational Diabetes Test, Russ said,  "It will be a miracle if you pass that. The amount of Skittles I picked out of your car yesterday was offensive!". Thankfully, I passed my test. I was a temple for Jackson my entire pregnancy, but not when Skittles were anywhere within a 5 mile radius.  

Now, they make me sad and I could really care less about "tasting the rainbow". I take candy around to offices daily, and the fact that Skittles have been riding shotgun lately, kills me.

2)  Baby Mail. I never realized how many distribution lists I was on and how many companies have our baby information. I think a part of "nesting" includes a very pregnant lady subscribing to anything and everything. Lord knows I did. I also proudly told these sites I was having a baby boy. So, much of the mail is directly targeted at the Mama of a baby boy. Ugh.

Almost daily I open the mailbox to find some kind of baby mail. Magazines, coupons, and flyers. Thankfully, the medical bills have stopped. There is just nothing like paying bills and handling reports for a baby who is not in your arms, scar you wish you did not have, and anesthesiology you wish could have been stronger or wish you were still on to numb the pain of it all. I have found that e-mail has been the easiest to unsubscribe from, but somehow or another, those sneaky companies just will not take no for an answer. I am a communicator by nature, but I really wish the world would stop trying to communicate with us over our angel baby.  We are over it. After a long day, the last thing you need is a reminder that Babies R Us is having a fire sale on diapers, Enfamil has a recommendation for formula based on your babies age and stage, Zulilly has the perfect romper on sale, and Target would like to offer you 10% off your next purchase of select teething items. Of the four pieces of mail that arrived today, two of them were baby related.

Oh, and Pottery Barn Kids keeps sending me their Halloween issue. Someone shoot me.

3) This time last year. 

This time last year we just found out that we were pregnant. I think Forrest Gump sums up thoughts around that just right--"And that's 'bout all I have to say about that".

4) Monday's. 

My worst day of the week, without question. I always look at the clock on Monday's. I can tell you exactly what I was doing, at that very moment how ever many weeks ago. Here is how the 21 weeks old Monday went:

7:15 AM- Just got an epidural
9:42 AM- Pushing
11:22 AM- Still pushing
12:13 PM- Just received the worst news of our lives while still strapped down to a surgical table
2:34 PM- Holding JND, the love of our life.
4:07 PM- Still holding and loving him

And this goes on and on and on. Welcome to my Monday's. One day, I know I will stop doing this. As much as work keeps me busy and on task, I cannot help but to look at the clock throughout the day and remember. It is painful, but is reality. I have been told by many, many people who have suffered a loss like ours that, "you will always mark time, but one day you will find that it is not as bad as it is now" or "one day, the marking of time will not be as painful". I do look forward to that day, but I know that JND will always have a hold on Monday's and the 7th of every month in his own unique way. Those days are his thing, and that is a painfully beautiful thing. Once his mother, always his mother.

5) I know I mentioned this before, but the holidays will always full of triggers. We have a gauntlet of holidays coming up, and we will live and love through all if them. We will keep our heads held high and try our best to enjoy ourselves. Over the past 5 months, we have found that the things we dread the most, actually end up not being so bad. We are hopeful that the holidays turn out just like that. I am rooting for my holiday lovin' junkie self  to come out and play this year, because I am sure that Jackson would want us to enjoy ourselves and all of the love that we are surrounded by. We will find ways to count our blessings, but we will take time to recognize the areas where life fell far too short. We will love and give thanks for a life that was far too short. As a little ones ring our doorbell for candy,  as turkey hits the table, as a sparkly ornament goes on a tree, or a Happy New Year gets exclaimed--we will find a way to pull it together to breathe and remember that somewhere in the festivity and merriment that is the holiday season, is our son who wants his parents to be happy.

In November, we will celebrate our 4 year anniversary, while taking the 6 month bullet. So many wonderful and amazing years together, and 6 months without our perfectly perfect sweet Jackson. Both of these holidays are important milestones, and both look so different than how we planned. We will look for and embrace HOPE, and LOVE each other fiercely during this tough month.

There are many, many more triggers. These are just the top of the list, and the ones that stick out the most. Triggers are not an entirely bad thing, and they do serve a purpose (for the most part). It is just hard to understand that when you are living through them. We are just trying to make sense of the world A.J. (After Jackson).

I will leave on a positive list of triggers:
-Sunrises and Sunsets
-Butterflies
-Sunshine warmth or a big breeze gust
-The color aqua (or should I say, Forget Me Not!)
-Jackson's Camper Scholarship Fund ($10,000 and climbing! You can still donate!)
-Stories of how others lives have been impacted by Jackson or Our Story
-Quotes and verses
-THE GREATEST ONE OF ALL--His Footprints! Oh, the love we have for those little feet! A permanent stamp on our hearts, lives and the world.


I would like to note that there are technically more positive triggers than negative (almost double), and that is a beautiful thing. That just sent a message to me, as I am writing this entry that we are seriously making some progress! We can do this. Life is Crap vs. Life is Good. The good seems to be outweighing the bad, and I think that speaks volumes as to how we are doing! Who knew. This is why I write. I realize something every time I sit down and hammer out a subject. Growth. Learning. Understanding. Stopping to think. Breathing. Being vulnerable. Emotional catharsis. Love.

I think the "pause" I take to write, really helps and forces me to learn something I would not have recognized.

Hope and Positivity always win. I think I knew that from Day 1.

We can do this. ( I am smiling right now).

Love,

Emily and Russ