21 Weeks and Triggers

"Everyone needs reminders that the fact of their being on this earth is important and that each life changes everything."-Marge Kennedy

That quote makes me happy in a week fully loaded with triggers. Oh, how one little life has changed everything.

Our  angel son is 21 weeks old.

In some respects, I think the time has gone remarkably fast. In other respects, I cannot describe the pain of the slow moving calendar. It is one of those kind of things where you are like, "Heck yeah, we made it!" while simultaneously saying, "I am exhausted, need rest, and cannot take another minute of this". Ebb and Flow, I suppose.

Sounds schizophrenic, huh? Whatever. It is, what it is.

It is the damn triggers that kill us these days. I attribute it to the fact that the "numbness" has left the building, and we are left with a wound that will not never heal. I get it that this "comes with the territory, and it is part of the journey"....but gosh darn it.....it hurts. And it sucks. And every other choice word you can think of.

Triggers.

1) Skittles. Anyone who was around me during my pregnancy with Jackson knows that I was in love with all things sweet. It was the only craving I really had, and sweets just tasted so good to me.  I remember eating an enormous piece of cake at a friends bridal luncheon in around 1 minute flat, and the rest of the ladies had hardly taken their second bite. Thank heaven my love for strawberry frosted pop tarts quickly faded. I hesitate even mentioning that those were a part of my life during those early weeks of pregnancy.  I housed sweets when they were around, but Skittles really got out of control in my pregnancy. Reece's Pieces are to E.T as Skittles are to a pregnant Emily DeLoach.  

As I was walking out the door for the big Gestational Diabetes Test, Russ said,  "It will be a miracle if you pass that. The amount of Skittles I picked out of your car yesterday was offensive!". Thankfully, I passed my test. I was a temple for Jackson my entire pregnancy, but not when Skittles were anywhere within a 5 mile radius.  

Now, they make me sad and I could really care less about "tasting the rainbow". I take candy around to offices daily, and the fact that Skittles have been riding shotgun lately, kills me.

2)  Baby Mail. I never realized how many distribution lists I was on and how many companies have our baby information. I think a part of "nesting" includes a very pregnant lady subscribing to anything and everything. Lord knows I did. I also proudly told these sites I was having a baby boy. So, much of the mail is directly targeted at the Mama of a baby boy. Ugh.

Almost daily I open the mailbox to find some kind of baby mail. Magazines, coupons, and flyers. Thankfully, the medical bills have stopped. There is just nothing like paying bills and handling reports for a baby who is not in your arms, scar you wish you did not have, and anesthesiology you wish could have been stronger or wish you were still on to numb the pain of it all. I have found that e-mail has been the easiest to unsubscribe from, but somehow or another, those sneaky companies just will not take no for an answer. I am a communicator by nature, but I really wish the world would stop trying to communicate with us over our angel baby.  We are over it. After a long day, the last thing you need is a reminder that Babies R Us is having a fire sale on diapers, Enfamil has a recommendation for formula based on your babies age and stage, Zulilly has the perfect romper on sale, and Target would like to offer you 10% off your next purchase of select teething items. Of the four pieces of mail that arrived today, two of them were baby related.

Oh, and Pottery Barn Kids keeps sending me their Halloween issue. Someone shoot me.

3) This time last year. 

This time last year we just found out that we were pregnant. I think Forrest Gump sums up thoughts around that just right--"And that's 'bout all I have to say about that".

4) Monday's. 

My worst day of the week, without question. I always look at the clock on Monday's. I can tell you exactly what I was doing, at that very moment how ever many weeks ago. Here is how the 21 weeks old Monday went:

7:15 AM- Just got an epidural
9:42 AM- Pushing
11:22 AM- Still pushing
12:13 PM- Just received the worst news of our lives while still strapped down to a surgical table
2:34 PM- Holding JND, the love of our life.
4:07 PM- Still holding and loving him

And this goes on and on and on. Welcome to my Monday's. One day, I know I will stop doing this. As much as work keeps me busy and on task, I cannot help but to look at the clock throughout the day and remember. It is painful, but is reality. I have been told by many, many people who have suffered a loss like ours that, "you will always mark time, but one day you will find that it is not as bad as it is now" or "one day, the marking of time will not be as painful". I do look forward to that day, but I know that JND will always have a hold on Monday's and the 7th of every month in his own unique way. Those days are his thing, and that is a painfully beautiful thing. Once his mother, always his mother.

5) I know I mentioned this before, but the holidays will always full of triggers. We have a gauntlet of holidays coming up, and we will live and love through all if them. We will keep our heads held high and try our best to enjoy ourselves. Over the past 5 months, we have found that the things we dread the most, actually end up not being so bad. We are hopeful that the holidays turn out just like that. I am rooting for my holiday lovin' junkie self  to come out and play this year, because I am sure that Jackson would want us to enjoy ourselves and all of the love that we are surrounded by. We will find ways to count our blessings, but we will take time to recognize the areas where life fell far too short. We will love and give thanks for a life that was far too short. As a little ones ring our doorbell for candy,  as turkey hits the table, as a sparkly ornament goes on a tree, or a Happy New Year gets exclaimed--we will find a way to pull it together to breathe and remember that somewhere in the festivity and merriment that is the holiday season, is our son who wants his parents to be happy.

In November, we will celebrate our 4 year anniversary, while taking the 6 month bullet. So many wonderful and amazing years together, and 6 months without our perfectly perfect sweet Jackson. Both of these holidays are important milestones, and both look so different than how we planned. We will look for and embrace HOPE, and LOVE each other fiercely during this tough month.

There are many, many more triggers. These are just the top of the list, and the ones that stick out the most. Triggers are not an entirely bad thing, and they do serve a purpose (for the most part). It is just hard to understand that when you are living through them. We are just trying to make sense of the world A.J. (After Jackson).

I will leave on a positive list of triggers:
-Sunrises and Sunsets
-Butterflies
-Sunshine warmth or a big breeze gust
-The color aqua (or should I say, Forget Me Not!)
-Jackson's Camper Scholarship Fund ($10,000 and climbing! You can still donate!)
-Stories of how others lives have been impacted by Jackson or Our Story
-Quotes and verses
-THE GREATEST ONE OF ALL--His Footprints! Oh, the love we have for those little feet! A permanent stamp on our hearts, lives and the world.


I would like to note that there are technically more positive triggers than negative (almost double), and that is a beautiful thing. That just sent a message to me, as I am writing this entry that we are seriously making some progress! We can do this. Life is Crap vs. Life is Good. The good seems to be outweighing the bad, and I think that speaks volumes as to how we are doing! Who knew. This is why I write. I realize something every time I sit down and hammer out a subject. Growth. Learning. Understanding. Stopping to think. Breathing. Being vulnerable. Emotional catharsis. Love.

I think the "pause" I take to write, really helps and forces me to learn something I would not have recognized.

Hope and Positivity always win. I think I knew that from Day 1.

We can do this. ( I am smiling right now).

Love,

Emily and Russ