Love Letter #3

"I held him for a little while, made plans to watch him grow.  We played each waking moment so he’d know I loved him so.  I cherish all the tiny things that went unnoticed then.  A special bond between us grew my little one, my friend.  A place of honor he will have in my heart and in my home.  It gives me strength and peace to know that he is not alone.  I know that Jesus holds him close and tends his every need.  Our child is safe in heaven; he holds a noble place indeed."-Unknown

Jackson,

We miss you. Terribly. This week has been a rough week for us, but I am sure you already knew that. We wish you could make this stop, or boss someone around up there to make it better....but we understand that we just have to work through and live through all of this without divine intervention.

It is hard to get back into our normal paced life and schedule. We thought that the transition back to routine would be a good thing, but in reality it is hard. So very hard. We are the most happy when we are together, and lately, that time has become precious. Your Dad is back in the full swing of football, which means late nights and halves of weekends together.

I find myself to be alone more than I would like these days. There is nothing anyone can do to fix that, it is what it is.

It does not matter how distracted I am, the fact of the matter is that I am here alone. We are alone. Yes, I had dinner with a lovely friend on Friday evening and had a great time....but I still had to come home to a house without you or your Dad. A quiet and empty house.

Talk about feeling punched in the stomach. 

I have been told before that there is a peacefulness that comes with being alone, but what people do not ever talk about is the complete emptiness of it. My mind wanders. My heart hurts. My soul feels beaten to death. I cannot stop my tears. When I am alone, I am completely helpless and pitiful. A lonely Mama to an angel in heaven.

As football is gearing up, I am starting to realize the "Dad Plans" your father had made for you. It was not clear to me until this week. Just like I had plans for you at every corner, your Dad had made plans for you around football. It is his favorite sport, you know. Plans to have you at the games and dressed in some type of precious school spirit wear. Plans to come see you during the halftime break. Plans to lift you out of your stroller and show you the action. Plans to take you up to the field house for a few hours and hang out with his coaching buddies. Plans to talk with his friends about whether you would be a righty or a lefty one day when you hit the field. Oh, my sweet boy, the plans your Daddy had for you. He had BIG plans for you. He is the best Daddy.

I strongly believe that the balance between the plans I had made and the plans your Daddy made the perfect life for a little boy. You would have had the most beautiful, wonderful life. A life filled with love, joy and so much fun. 

We would have given you everything, because YOU are our everything. 

We have found something that is so good for us. That is right US. A different kind of therapy. Our new favorite thing to do together is Crossfit. Well, I use the word "favorite" loosely...as it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my lifetime! It makes you cry, scream, sweat to death and even throw up. All that being said, we are having a great time together at Crossfit. We go in the evenings, and we look at it as "our time". Even in the middle work for both of us and football, we will be working out together at least 3 days out of every week. We have made friends there, and everyone is so supportive of our fitness and health goals. We have always said that we can get through anything together, and Crossfit is no different. After just one month, we both feel so much better and we feel physically stronger. Still working on the emotional fortitude part :)


I am sure you were at the workout the other day.

It was raining, and someone decided it would be a great idea to not do the workout of the day (inside) and do tire flipping for time instead (outside). GREAT. 

As we started the workout, I said to myself, "Can we get a little sun, please?".

Well, you quickly delivered there. Actually, over delivered. It was blazing sun in a matter of minutes--just about the time we were heading UP the hill with the enormous tires. Thanks, for that! Sweat and humidity fest 2k12! Signal #1 that you were there.

We were flipping tires up and down the hill, and I quickly found myself to be physically gassed from the workout. I was so done, and we were not even half way through it! I bent down to flip my tire, and a huge black and yellow monarch butterfly flitted in front of my face, landed on the tire, then flitted away. I was like "Oh, come on. Now you are just showing off!". Signal #2. Noted my sweet boy. It is funny because I started crying, and the trainer/owner thought it was because of the workout. It kinda was (it was that awful), but the tears were pure joy because I found you! At Crossfit of all places! I know you were telling me that you were proud and to keep going. Thanks for supporting your Mama! I needed it.

It is a mix of emotions getting back in to physical shape again. Every pound is a memory of you. I need to get you off of me, but deep down inside, I want to keep you with me. I need to stop grasping for everything. I know that. It is so hard when we have next to nothing physically here to remember you by. It is silly that weight and body shape is thought of that way, but I guess your time in my body is how I remember you. So changing my body is both great and hard at the same time. Just like everything else these days!

I guess the hope in getting physically better is for the baby you will send us later on down the road. There it is. HOPE. Feels good to type that again! That sweet baby deserves the best possible start and environment, just like you had, my dear. It feels good to feel good. I just want you to know that it is hard to let go of you--physically. Emotionally? We never will. Ever. You know that. You are in our hearts forever, and that is the best possible physical place you could be! Always with us. Every heart beat is for you. Always remember that you are the only one that has heard my heartbeat from the inside. Together forever.


So, hook your Mama up with some more love at Crossfit. Especially during wall balls, push ups, pull ups, burpees and box jumps. That would be fantastic :)

Our song that makes us always think of you. We liked this song before it got cool to like it, and before Olympians started winning gold medals, by the way. We first heard it on the American Idol finale just a few days after you passed away. Needless to say, the song was exactly what these broken down parents needed to hear. We will always think of you when we hear it. You are our HOME.

Bring on the sun. Bring on the butterflies. Bring on the HOPE.

We love you.

We miss you.

Always. 

Forever.

Love,
Mama and Daddy