A Celebration for Our Angel

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."- Psalm 139: 13-14

Something beautiful and amazing happened on May 12, 2012 at 1:00 PM.

Something that was both heart breaking and heart warming at the same time.

Something you wish you never had to do, but you THANK GOD that you did.

We had a memorial celebration for our Jackson. 

We celebrated the short, but amazing life of our little angel in the most appropriate way we could think of.

We went through all possible emotions and questioned ourselves every step of the way. We debated whether we even should or should not do a service. Is it appropriate? Is it over-the-top? Is it necessary? Should it be small? Should it be open to all? Where would we have this service? At a church? Outside? And it went on and on from there....

Above all....

How would we even find the strength to even go through with this?

All the planning went down during the 5 days we spent at the hospital. Most of the planning actually never involved Russ and me, as we were on another planet. Another team of angels swept in and did it all. We are so grateful for every single one of them. You know who you are!

As I mentioned in my previous post...we planned for life....not death. We know about car seats, feeding schedules, cures for diaper rashes, a proper swaddle, and how to battle colic....not where to have a memorial for a baby, what bible readings to use, what songs to sing or whether to bury or cremate the tiny angel.

So we just followed our hearts.

We wanted to have it sooner rather than later. We just could not bear to have it many more days or even weeks down the road.

We decided to have an open celebration that anyone and everyone could attend.

We wanted it to be casual. No stuffy suits.

We wanted everyone to wear color in honor of our son. No black needed at our celebration. He was a baby and we know he would have wanted a colorful celebration.

With these requests in mind, the team of angels went to work. They were amazing.  In just 24 hours they planned the most perfect celebration.

Jackson's memorial was planned for Saturday, May 12, 2012 at 1:00 PM at The North Carolina Arboretum.

Here is their website:
http://www.ncarboretum.org/

The memorial would take place in the large natural amphitheater in the heart of the Arboretum. So beautiful, so natural, and so very peaceful. It was a perfect location to honor and celebrate our son. 

I can remember my mom coming into our hospital room with tears streaming down her face saying "This is going to be perfect. They planned it all, and it is perfect. It is amazing. You are going to be so happy with it!". It is the first time in days that we actually saw tears of joy and hope. We found ourselves to be at peace with everything, even though we knew nothing about what was actually planned.

On Thursday, our friend and officiant for the memorial came to the hospital to meet with Russ and me. He was coming to share the layout for the service, and he wanted to make sure we approved of everything that was planned. I had a huge knot in my stomach going into this meeting, because you can never prepare yourself to even have this type of meeting.

The layout for the service was perfect. Amazing. It was exactly what we wanted. No objections, no concerns, and certainly NO second guessing everything. This memorial was going to happen, and it was going to be beautiful.

We were asked to do one thing for the memorial. It was a tough task. We had to write a "reflection letter" to be read aloud during the service.  How do you do this? Where do you start? Will we say everything we need and want to say? We knew we could do it, we just chose to put it off for a bit until it seemed more clear as to when we should write the letter.


Early Friday morning, Russ and I were spending therapeutic time alone before the hectic-ness of shift change and family time. We were propped up in the bed together and we realized it was time. Time to write a letter to our son. So, we did. We typed and cried. Typed and cried. Deleted. Cried. Deleted. Typed. Deleted. Cried. Typed. Typed some more. Finished. E-mailed it. Cried.


After we finished our letter, we chose to do something else that was both beautiful and hard. The amazing nursing team brought us a plastic tub with beads, letters, and rope for us to make a bracelet or necklace in honor of Jackson. They said that the tub rotates around the hospital, and many families have gotten some therapy out of making a bracelet or necklace in honor of their loved one. After writing our letter, we thought it was good time for us to make bracelets together.  I kicked it off. I rummaged through the tub for blue beads and letters to spell his name. I wanted to just have his first name on my bracelet. I strung all the beads together and Russ tied it on my right wrist. We cried. Then we moved onto his bracelet. He wanted to have his initials and a combination of blue and white beads. We picked through the bucket and strung his together. Then I tied it on his right wrist. We cried some more. In that moment we could feel him with us. It was a very beautiful moment that our hearts and souls needed. There is something therapeutic about these bracelets, and we are so glad we chose to make them.  The act of making them, and the way we went about putting them on each other was as symbolic and beautiful as the day we exchanged rings before our family and friends. They are so very sweet and look like something a child would make or wear.  They will always be with us as a lasting reminder of our Jackson. We wear our rings for each other, and our bracelets for our angel. Forever loved and never forgotten. We love you JND.

The day had come.

Time to celebrate our son.

Time to celebrate even when your heart is broken.

Time to experience every emotion under the sun.

Time to find peace and fill our hearts with something good and pure.

It was Jackson's day.

 *Our friend took all of these photos, and we are so grateful to have them! Thank you!!*

We arrived at the Arboretum, and we could hear the band playing off in the distance. It was slightly overcast and there was a chilly breeze. There were people everywhere, but things were so quiet. We could see people hugging each other, many crying and even providing a hand to one another to walk down into the amphitheater.

All of the family convened off to the side of the amphitheater so that we could all walk down together. They had a wheelchair for me, but I refused to use it. I had the strength to walk 200 yards for my son, and I wanted to walk into the amphitheater holding my husbands hand. Together we would get through this.

Our officiant told us it was time.

 Russ and I held hands and led the family down the hill to the amphitheater. Tears were flowing.

We were overwhelmed. It was so peaceful and beautiful. There were so many people there to honor and celebrate our amazing son. Over 200 people gathered there that day. Blessed and thankful are two words that come to mind.

Time to start the ceremony. Time to grieve. Time to send prayers. Time to love. Time to support each other. Time to find peace. Time to show our son and the world how much we love and miss him.

The ceremony started with a welcome from our sweet officiant. He opened it beautifully.

Next, the Head Baseball Coach (from the high school where Russ works and coaches at) said an amazing prayer. He eloquently prayed through strong emotions and tears.

 Next came the song "It Is Well". This was sung by the chorus director at the high school. As soon as he sang the first few bars, everyone was mush. That man has a gift from God, and his talent is off-the-charts amazing. The wind blew slightly during the song, and it was perfect.

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, 
 when sorrows like sea billows roll; 
 whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, 
 It is well, it is well with my soul. 
Refrain:
 It is well with my soul, 
 it is well, it is well with my soul. 

2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, 
 let this blest assurance control, 
 that Christ has regarded my helpless estate, 
 and hath shed his own blood for my soul. 
 (Refrain) 

3. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! 
 My sin, not in part but the whole, 
 is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, 
 praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! 
 (Refrain) 

4. And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, 
 the clouds be rolled back as a scroll; 
 the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, 
 even so, it is well with my soul. 
 (Refrain) 

Beautiful. Just beautiful. No other words to describe it.

Next we had two family friends come up to read scripture.

The first reading was from the Old Testament. It was Joshua 4:1-9.

Another perfect moment. A perfect message.

The next reading came from the New Testament. It was Mark 10: 13-16.

A sweet and beautiful message from the New Testament.

Thank you to both readers. You mean the world to us, and we are so blessed to have you both in our lives. We love you both very much.

Time for another beautiful song. This time he sang "Amazing Grace" A Capella. Absolutely stunning. Absolutely perfect. It was a moment that will never leave us because it was so powerful.

During the song, we could feel Jackson's presence.


We squeezed each others hand a little tighter, and I played with his bracelet because it comforted me. In that moment it felt like just us 3.  A little family.

Our son was there. We felt it.

Little did we know at the time, but Jackson was not done showing off for the day.

After "Amazing Grace" came the time to share the "Reflection Letters". These letters were read by the Head Football Coach and his adorable wife.

We want to share these letters with everyone. They are all amazing and so very special.
A letter from my sister, Mary Beth:

"Ever since that day in October when my sister told me she was pregnant, I could wait to be an Aunt. I thought of all the fun times we would have. I wondered if you would be athletic like your Dad or have almost no athletic ability like your Mom. I have no doubt that you would have had the best personality and had many friends.

No one knows why you came and went so fast, but God had bigger plans for you. You are my little Guardian Angel. I love you and I will miss you forever.

 Love, Aunt Mary Beth" 

A letter from Russ' mother, Cindy:

"How could anyone have ever known, in the blink of an eye, our exquisite little soul would take flight to become the most precious little angel, the most spectacular star in our universe.

In every sunrise I will see your face. I will remember and I will smile.

When the warm breeze caresses my face, I will feel my cheek touching yours, I will remember and I will smile.

When I hear children laughing, my heart will know the sound of your laughter and through the tears, I will smile.

Your perfect little spirit will live within us forever. May we always pause to see the beauty, hear the sweet sounds and never hesitate to express our love for one another.

I love you Jackson Neil DeLoach. I will see you in my dreams. Together we will sing, we will dance and will sit down and color. I believe your favorite color is blue and with that little left hand you will laugh and tell me, the two big circles are Mommy and Daddy and the zig zag is Lucy.

Helen Keller once said, "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched, but are felt in the heart."

I love you forever,
Your Kya" 


A letter from my parents, Andy and Pat:

"We were going to write a letter to Jackson on the day of his birth to capture the joy and excitement of the day; the wonderful times all of us had preparing for his arrival; the overwhelming joy we would have experienced as we saw and held him for the first time; our hopes and dreams for a long and fulfilling life; our complete, total and undying love.

The letter did not get written, but we did get to hold him; tell him how much we love him; how much we will miss him as he goes to be with God.

Today we find ourselves burdened with unspeakable grief and sadness. Our hearts ache beyond description for Russ and Emily. If we could have traded our lives for Jackson, we would have gladly done so.

As parents, we were looking forward to seeing Russ and Emily grow into the role. Their deep love for each other and their loving preparation for Jackson arrival already made them fabulous parents. We pray they may be blessed as parents in the future.

Today, we also find ourselves surrounded by a great deal of love and support by many people, both here and elsewhere. We are truly blessed and grateful. We know there is enough faith and love to see us, Russ and Emily, and the extended family through the difficult days ahead.

We cannot undo what happened to our precious Jackson, but we will retain the memories of 'what might have been' in our hearts forever.  

Love,
Grandy and Papa"

A poem from Russ' sister, Abby:

"Do you feel that touch of air, that cools you through the heat?
Do you feel that ray of sun, your face alone shall meet?
Do you hear the wind sing low, at night its peaceful tune?
Do you see the halo shining, from a hidden moon?
Do you feel the tender touch, of a lonesome butterfly?
Do you hang their fragile wings and bless their light goodbyes?
Do you see a cotton cloud and dream a weightless thought?
Do you lose yourself inside, a timeless moment caught?
Do you see that tiny star, that catches your first glance?
Do you take the night as dim, but see that one star dance?
Do you feel the power that, comes through a single touch?
Do you love another life, you've never loved so much?

All the joys along the way, built mountains strong as stone.
Here on May the 7th, brought a battle never known.
Jackson Neil, my brothers boy, took flight with tiny wings.

He waits in white and shines on Two, finds love in everything.
He wants his Mom and Dad, to look for each and every way.
To see him in the tiny moments, keep his soul to stay.
He is all around our quiet life, each time your close your eyes.
A little tug will pull your heart, you'll feel that beauty rise.
Jackson will be our angel over love, and life to cope.
Sometimes what we need in life, are tiny shreds of hope."

And finally, our letter:

"To our sweet precious angel Jackson-


Words cannot describe how much we love you. We loved you long before you were ever a tiny heartbeat on a monitor. We dreamed of you and we know that we can still visit you in our dreams. We can feel you all around us all day, everyday. You made us parents and that is the most special gift that anyone could give us. Your hand print is permanently on our hearts and we will never stop loving you. We know that you will watch over us and guide us everyday because your heart was too big for this world, and it is your job to help keep us safe.


We love you forever

We like you for always

As long as we are living our baby boy you will be


We love you so much sweet angel.  ALWAYS and FOREVER.


Love,
Mommy and Daddy"


These letters are so special to us, and we are so grateful that the team of angels pushed us all to write them. We love how different they all are. We love that they all have a common thread of love and hope. It is beautiful and it is so powerful. We love how much you love and adore our son.


Thank you to the family members who wrote these letters. We know they were not easy to write. Your words were perfect, and so eloquently expressed how you feel and how much you love and miss Jackson. We will cherish these letters for the rest of our lives.

 After the letters, our officiant came up to speak about the Faith Journey. He spoke about the meaning and correlation between both the Old and New Testament readings. He talked about the symbolism of Jackson's footprints, and how we have something of his to hold on to and remember for the rest of our lives. His footprint is officially stamped on everyone.

He then moved on to speak about our phrase "Horrible but Hopeful". He did not spend much time on the horrible part, as there was no need to dwell there on this beautiful day. He really talked about HOPE. That is where he spent his time, and it was beautiful.

And our son decided to show up and show out during this part.

Right as he was speaking to HOPE, the sun came out. No joke. You could feel the warmth from the sun on your skin, and you could see it shining down on all of us in that amphitheater. Overcast to full sun in just a few seconds. The entire center of the amphitheater was full of sun. The birds chirped just a little louder. It was obvious. Our officiant even joked that "He had nothing to do with that!" during his talk.

Our son brought the sun.

Russ turned to me and said "He is here. I can feel it."

With tears flowing, I said "I know! He is here."

This time he squeezed my hand a little tighter, and I saw his head drop to his chest. He was overcome by emotion and the power of what we were experiencing.

The sun only lasted a few moments.

Just a few sweet moments that we will remember for the rest of our lives.

Those few precious moments gave not only us, but a whole lot of other people peace. Everyone noticed it, everyone felt it, and everyone was moved by it. Our son was there. Our son had his little hand on all of us that day.

Almost as soon as it came, the sun left.

Russ said, "He left to go play. He is gone now."

The sweetest comment from the greatest Daddy. I have never loved him more.

Our son brought the sun.


Forever touched, and forever changed by a tiny angel.

The memorial service closed with a Benediction from the High School Athletic Trainer. He did an outstanding job tying everything together, sharing some more beautiful messages, and bringing us all together in prayer. We could have sat and listened to him speak all day. Just like our officiant, he is grounded in his faith and has a brilliant way of sharing God's message.

After he was done speaking, he invited everyone in attendance to come down and see the family.

Before we knew it, there was this long line of people waiting to see us. We had no idea until that moment how many people were actually there. It was humbling.

The memorial was perfect. It was exactly what we wanted for our angel. It was a day that gave us peace and even more hope. We are not wondering anymore. No more searching. No more questions. We have peace.  We have everything that we need to be able to move forward one day at-a-time. Our son is exactly where he needs to be. Every parent wants their child to be happy, healthy, and safe. Our son is is just that.

It is well with our soul.


It is well.

 

Thank you to everyone that came out to Jackson's memorial.

Thank you to everyone that could not make it, and lit a candle in his honor that day.

Thank you for every silent, personal prayer that day and everyday.

Thank you to everyone who had your church congregation or small group pray for Jackson that day or that weekend.

Thank you for every hug.

Thank you for every tear.

Thank you for sharing stories of how our angel has already positively impacted your life.

Thank you for sharing the sweet, precious, innocent words your children have said in effort to comfort you as you dealt with Jackson's passing.  Children really do say the best things at the best times.

Thank you for every card, letter, book, piece of scripture, journal, e-mail, care package, meal, gift card, bouquet of flowers, and plant for our garden.

Thank you for every single donation to The March of Dimes. You all have raised more than $1,000 in his honor.  Keep it going. Lets rock the March of Dimes.

Thank you for reading this little blog. Who knew it would touch so many people all over the world. People are amazing and powerful. We are blown away.


Above all, THANK YOU for loving us. All 3 of us.

We look forward to sharing stories about his footprints, the new part of our lawn called "Jackson's Garden", and our first trip back to the Arboretum in upcoming posts.

Go outside. Feel the warmth and experience the beauty of the sun. Enjoy it.

We are.

Love,
Emily and Russ