The New Normal.

"When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. " ~Author Unknown

The New Normal. 

Whatever that is.

This week I....

Hooked back in with this

Packed up this

Got into this

Tearfully said goodbye to him (the worst part)

And drove off into these

Yep. That's right. Back to work. 

Back in the saddle.

It had to happen at some point, and we both came to the conclusion that it was time. No point in delaying it and no point in not getting life back to "normal". We have found over the past 8 weeks that the busier and more distracted we are, the easier the days turn out to be. The more tired we are going to bed, the more peaceful we sleep. You get the picture.

I think it is along the same lines of when you take your kids to the pool and spend the whole day just wearing them out....then they sleep like rocks that night and generally are much more subdued. The pool is just a vehicle to distract and exhaust the busy mind and body. Right now, the "pool" is work for me. Keep me busy. Keep me active. Keep my mind sharp and always on task. Just keep me distracted. 

Just a few days in, and so far, so good. 

Obviously there was, and still is anxiety around returning to work. But you know what? Anxiety with a side of grief will always be in my life. I have a permanent hole in my heart that I am just not going to bother refilling. No point there. I learned a valuable lesson this week. You can live with a hole in your heart. It hurts, but you can survive. Living is exactly what my son would want me to do. Life must resume. I will be strong.

I have found that every step that I made this week was a good one. Forward movement. One little step at a time. I am starting to feel like myself again, and it actually feels good.

Every face that I missed so much over the last 8 weeks was there for me. Exactly where I left them. They were all there with a big long hug, an extra hand squeeze, and even a few tears. They all melted my anxiety away and my son delivered me an extra dose of strength. I found that I could clearly articulate how I was doing and how I was feeling without losing it. I did not stifle any emotions, but found that I could actually say many things without a turning into a puddle on the floor. I encountered a few people who did not know what happened, and I just handled it. I cleared that hurdle with ease and grace, all the while making sure the other party did not feel uncomfortable because they innocently inquired about Jackson. I felt so strong and so very proud of myself. Russ would say that "Vintage Emily is coming back", and he would be right. She is back.

 One of the biggest questions I receive these days is:

"Do you want me to ask you about Jackson?" or "Do you want me to say his name?"

The answer?

YES. YES. YES.

Here is a quote that I love, and one that I feel eloquently addresses my (our) feelings:

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."

A perfect quote to say exactly how I (we) feel.

I want you to ask about him. If it is not a good moment, I will tell you.

I want you to say his name. He is real. He is our son, who just happens to be in Heaven. We are parents to an angel. Every time someone says his name, my heart smiles. It is almost like every time someone says his name it makes up for all of the times I wish I was saying it to him daily as I held him in my arms. No matter how hard we try, we will never get to say his name as much as we would if he were here. Our arms may not be full of baby, but our hearts and souls are completely full with Jackson Neil and that is where he will always be.

Say his name. It is music to our ears.

 Another question I get frequently is:

"What is the hardest thing for you right now?"

Outside of the obvious of just missing him more than I can put into words and having a void in my life that  cannot ever be filled.....

It is holidays.

Every single holiday. Big or small.

I (we) have dealt with Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Father's Day, and July 4th. Then add in a 1 and 2 month old birthday. All of them feel like bullets to the gut that you just have to take. I had made plans for all of them.

As women, we make holidays what they are. I mean come on. For the most part, Christmas is Christmas because mama bear put everything in motion. Thanksgiving generally happens because a mama is there peeling potatoes at 1:00 AM, yet still manages to be ready the next morning to prepare outfits for the children to wear for the big feast. Sure dad gets to carve the turkey, but mama did everything else before that.

Whether we realize it or not, we innately prepare for the holidays either 1) as young adults before children are even in our lives or 2) by spending the whole year planning every little detail of every holiday for our children. We want perfection. We want the memory. We want our children to remember everything about the holiday. The sounds, smells, traditions, excitement, the silly festive outfits, the obligatory family photo session, and above all, the straight up family love.

I woke up on July 4th thinking that Russ and I should be discussing whether to put in him in a seersucker romper or whether to go with a super festive "Happy 4th" onesie. We should be seeing if we can find a parade in town. We should be figuring out what time to grill our dinner that works best with feeding and sleeping time. We should be starting our own family traditions. This is the stuff we should be talking about, instead we are fumbling around the house trying to make sense of the day.

So, yeah, I am a holiday junkie. I love them. Needless to say, the holidays are hard and painful. We wish he was here to celebrate them with us. I have a seersucker romper with his name on it and an empty memory card on my camera ready to take a thousand photos of him.

 The new normal. This is it. We have arrived. Life must resume.

Both my boys and a footprint in this photo. Love :)

Thank you to everyone who made the tough return back to work smooth,easy and overall less painful. Thank you for your constant love, prayers, and support. I love all of you. If I have not seen you yet, I look forward to that over the coming weeks! I am giving out free hugs :)

 We have a busy couple of weeks coming up. Thank goodness. Distraction city.

This coming Friday we head to camp for the dedication of Jackson's Camp Scholarship Fund! We cannot wait to go to this wonderful event, and we are very excited to see some old friends! It will be Russ' first time visiting camp, so that should be a real treat!

In just over 2 weeks, this fund has generated over $5,000! WOW! We are half way there to raising enough money for an endowment fund! Amazing. Incredible. Unbelievable. Powerful. Humbling.

Do your thing, Jackson Neil :) We are so proud.

We can do this. There is still plenty of time to donate!!

I am looking forward to sharing all about our trip to camp. That should be a beautiful and emotional post. Camp makes me cry on a random day, so this could be a doozy :) Fair warning, folks. Fair warning.


We love and miss you JND!

Love,

Emily and Russ

Beach photo dump......

 

Oh, my. Colorful distressed planks of wood + antique hooks=cardiac arrest. Want? Yes. Need? No. *sigh*

 

Jackson's Camp Scholarship Fund

"Way up in the mountain tops
Touching the blue sky
There is a place I long to be"
YMCA Camp High Harbour Song

One of my favorite places on Earth is just 2 hours away from my house, here in Asheville.

You can find this little piece of Heaven nestled in the North Georgia mountains on the beautiful Lake Burton. This is where I spent every summer from 1992-2004.


I have had the opportunity to travel overseas and see much of the United States, and without question, YMCA Camp High Harbour is one of favorite places. Period.

I know that I am not alone when I make a statement like that.

I miss this place, and think about it often. Especially RIGHT NOW because it is summer time, and I know that right now little campers are finding their way to their first skill (class) of the camp week. Right about now I would be doing roll call and telling tower that we are CHECK for that skill. I could be doing any number of things like pulling out materials for an arts and crafts activity, explaining archery techniques and form (I am no Katniss Everdeen, but I can teach a decent archery class), getting ready to go on a nature walk, pulling out canoes to take a flock of campers on the water, or calming squealing campers that are ready to go out and water ski. Teaching campers something they have never done or had the courage to do, is just one of about 1,000 things I miss about this place.

I can still hear the sounds of camp. The slow creek of a cabin screen door opening and the immediate slam it makes a second later. In comes a group of excited campers ready to tell you exactly what they did in first and second skill, and how much fun they had doing it. I can hear the sounds of the dining hall right before a meal. The hum of the kitchen hard at work and the sound of upbeat music to energize the staff and campers inside preparing the meal. I can hear the sounds that the entire waterfront makes when a really great "blob" takes place--a loud splash and cheering for the latest airborne camper. I can hear the sounds of morning exercises. The sounds of counting jumping jacks and windmills, clapping after each set, and yelling at the boys and the "old lady across the lake". I can hear the sounds of night time in the mountains. The chorus of insects firing up for an evening song, the crackle of a camp fire on Wednesday nights, cabin groups doing cheers as they walk to night program, constant laughter, and even the sounds of staff members telling campers to take a shower with a few last minute reminders to not forget to clean their ears (even though the staff have not done either in, well, days).

These are just a few sounds I still hear. I could sit here and name a hundred. All of them a sweet sweet memory. All of them I would give anything to go back and relive, if just for one day. Camp is a huge part of my life that will always be so very special to me, and place that I love.

I can make the following statement:

Everything that I have learned in life, I have learned from my parents and camp.

I like to make the tennis analogy that my parents set-up the serve, and camp followed it up with a perfect ace. Camp and parents. That is how it is done. A perfect balance.

I learned how to be responsible.

I learned about honesty.

I learned about respect.

I learned how to always serve others first.

I learned individuality.

I learned how to think on my feet.

I learned how to diffuse problem situations with tact and ease.

I learned a proper handshake. I even learned how to wave and smile even when you are about to burst into flames from heat exhaustion.

I learned you should always be early to something, and never late. 

I learned that you should always tell someone how much you love and appreciate them.

I learned how to be outgoing, personable, and conversational.

I learned that you should always be yourself, and that everyone appreciates you for exactly who you are.

I learned about friendship and life-long relationships.

Above all,

I learned how to be a leader.

I had the opportunity to spend some time just the other day with a dear camp friend and his precious wife. We have known each other for years, and would say that we have been through it all together. We were not even talking about camp, and out of the blue he says, "Gosh, I miss camp. I miss it so much. Best years of life spent there."

Ditto, my sweet friend. Ditto.

In that moment, I could have cried.

Just a few weekends ago we attended a wedding of a pair of dear friends, and another one of my great camp friends was also in attendance with his fabulous wife. I asked my sweet camp friend if he ever looks at his watch and knows exactly what they are doing at camp that very moment. His response?

"Absolutely, all the time."

Ditto again.

I just had to ask.

Years and years after we have all moved on and "grown up" (yeah, right), we still think about our days at camp. We are always and forever a part of it.

(Push Off the Mat night program. A favorite. When you work with the youngest of campers, they insist on getting to paint the counselor. Fierce and fabulous war paint, or at least we liked to think so.)

The friendships I have made are of a different league.

Lifelong, quality relationships.

I think of all of them and smile. I know the impact every one of them has made on my life, and I can articulate what each of them means to me. We may not all get to be together as much as we would like, but the memories and experiences we all had together makes up for that. When we do get to see each other, it is like time never passed. I love all of them and I am grateful for all them.

I should note that I spent the majority of my camper years and the first part of my staff years at the Lake Burton site. I spent the last 3 years of camp working as a staff member at the Golden Isles site (on Jekyll Island). The site at the beach has since shut down, and moved to Lake Allatoona! Soon there will be a third site at Lake Lanier! Multiple sites, same amazing experience.

Some of my favorite memories are from my final year at camp. Summer 2004. I was the Program Director for the Leaders-In-Training (LIT) program. This program is for teenagers that are ready to be a part of the leadership program and become staff members. This program is one that they apply, interview, and then place into. They come for 3 week sessions. It is no easy program, and not every LIT becomes a staff member.

I loved this program because you have the opportunity to be a leader for amazing young people, but the sweetest part is getting to watch them grow into the most outstanding leaders. Being a leader is one thing, but watching them grow and become leaders is entirely different--it is better.

I love these kids, and I think about them often. I wonder what they are up to, and how they are doing. I do know that many of them are still with camp in higher leadership roles!

I would love to go back and have a morning devotional with all of them.  We could carry kayaks and the lifeguard stand one more time. Amazing young adults. Amazing leaders. All of them. They still make me proud. They helped shape me into who I am today, and they had no idea they were doing that at the time.

Leadership.

We have a song that we sing on closing night at camp.

It is called "Pass It On". We start the song with a single burning candle, and by the end of the song the entire amphitheater is filled with everyone's burning candles. One candle lights hundreds. No lights. Just the warm glow of candles. It is my favorite single moment of camp. It is so beautiful and so powerful. Usually, everyone is crying by this point in the evening.

It only takes a spark to get a fire going,
And soon all those around can warm up in its glowing;
That's how it is with God's Love,
Once you've experienced it,
You spread the love to everyone
You want to pass it on. 

I share this with you because this song keeps ringing in my ears lately. It is special because of its spiritual and emotional meaning, but it now has a new meaning to me.

Last week while we were at the beach, something amazing and really unbelievable happened. I received a text message from one of my dearest friends, Jennifer Lancaster aka JR. She informed me that they wanted to start a camp scholarship fund in Jackson's honor. Can you believe that?! 

I had to scrape myself off the the floor when I read the text. I even showed it to Russ because my eyes could not believe. He has never been to camp, but he married camp when he married me...and he was floored by the text.

Oh, and a plaque on the dining hall in his honor. I mean really, they had me at just the plaque.

She had already assembled a team of angels to pull through this scholarship fund. Everyone was on board before the text was ever sent to us. The ball was rolling.

It only takes a spark, right?

I think this is a little more than a spark, as we are about to set things ablaze here.

Leadership. Jennifer, you are an outstanding example of that.

I just completed reading book called "Stepping Up", by John Izzo Ph.D.. The whole book gives real life examples of where people saw a need and decided that they were the best possible person to address that need, so they stepped up--thus change. The book says that change does not happen because people have more resources (i.e. time and money), it happens because of grit, determination, dedication, and passion. Jennifer has everything we need for change. Girlfriend just done stepped up.

She loves our son and she loves camp. These two loves combine beautifully for a scholarship camper fund in Jackson's honor. This fund will send kids to camp that will not normally have the opportunity to go. As his parents, we are honored to see young  deserving children have the experience of a lifetime. They will learn everything I mentioned above, and then some.

How is that for a Footprints and Hope story?

If you are reading this, I am asking you to consider donating to this fund. This is exactly how we would want to remember our son.

Many people over the last 7 weeks have asked me, "What can I do?" or "How can I help?". Here is your answer. Plain and simple.

Jackson's Camp Scholarship Fund.

We will never have the opportunity to send him to camp, but this is a close second. If we cannot send him, lets send many many other campers there in his honor. For Russ and me, knowing that other young children will get to experience this little piece of Heaven makes us so very proud. We know that our angel will take care of them the entire time they are there, and they will have a life changing experience. Our son will have the impact we are craving through this fund, and it is one step closer to having the world know his name. He. Is. Amazing. We miss him and love him so much. This type of thing makes our days just a little brighter. It gives us strength. It gives us HOPE.

He will Always and Forever be a camper.


If you cannot think of an amount, let me help you and have some fun with numbers.

$5 --he was born in May, the 5th month

$7--that is $1 for every day they are at camp and he was born on the 7th of May :)

$12- that is how many years I spent at camp

$57.12--combine all the above numbers and you get that amount or even cooler...he was born on 5-7-12 :)

That is as cool as I can get with numbers. Anything past that is just pushing it and getting creepy.

We need $700 to send one camper to camp THIS SUMMER. We are already half way there with donations :)

I have always been a dreamer.

Here is the dream.

We need $10,000 for it to become an endowment fund. Can you imagine an endowment fund in Jackson's honor? I can. I believe in it. I know this can and will happen.

That is a whole lot of campers getting to go to camp every single year, just like we would send him to camp every single year. An endowment fund will go on for as long as camp goes on and will impact so many children.

Honor him by donating any amount to this fund.

Ask your employer if they have a matching program for charitable contributions. Many employers do! Even if they do not match, your donation is 100% tax deductible!

Here is the information you need to send a donation:

Make checks payable to:
YMCA Camp High Harbour

And mail checks or money to:
Jennifer Reeves Lancaster
1090 Christian Drive
Watkinsville, GA 30677

Thank you Jennifer for your dedication, determination and passion for camp and Jackson. You are an amazing, lifelong friend. You are a blessing in our life, and we are grateful for your love. All 3 of us love you very much.

It only takes a spark, to get a fire going.

My candle is lit, and this is me passing my light to you. What will you do? I hope you will donate and pass this along to other friends and family members. Share your light.

We are so very thankful.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." -Matthew 5:14-16

Love,

Emily and Russ

Out and About

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”

We are out.

Out of the nest.

First big trip away from home, and so far....so good.

I am blogging from my iPad and I will be honest....I do not like it. I am going to keep this little post short!
We started our big trip out with a wedding in my college stomping grounds of Athens, Georgia. Go Dawgs!! Some wedding it was! It was fabulous. Perfect. Beautiful. So much fun in fact that I will have to blog about it more when we return home next week.











Now?

We are at the beach.




We are currently enjoying the sugary sand beaches of Florida! This trip has been just what the doctor ordered. We are enjoying each other, relaxing, and loving our little angel.







People told us to get away together...and we totally see why.

We may be away, but he is always with us. Yes, there may be only two sets of footprints in the sand when we would like for there to be three. He is not physically here, but he is here. We know it and we can feel it. That third set of footprints is on our hearts, and we will always be carrying him with us. Always and Forever.




We love you and miss you like crazy sweet angel Jackson!!!

We are having what we like to call a strict "No plan plan" week, and it is glorious. He is currently delivering some amazing weather and 100% sun!




Today we are off to eat lunch in one of my all time favorite places....Seaside! Every time you blink it is photo! Talk to me about a photography playground! I feel some good therapy coming on today :)

Then a little shopping, dinner and after that.....

I plan on whipping this guys tail at putt-putt.




Friends, I am asking you to come back on Monday, June 25 for a very special Footprints and Hope announcement. This is something that is very near and dear to my heart. Our son is doing amazing work and is working those angel wings!! You are going to want to hear about this, and you will want to be a part of it!! We are excited to share this story with everyone! Here is a hint- scholarship fund.

Monday, June 25. Do it.

Go Jackson Go!!

Our son is a rock star angel, you know.

Back to beach land and loving our angel.

Love,
Emily and Russ

A Love Letter

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."
~Author Unknown

I am inspired to write a love letter to our sweet boy from my new friend, Sarah. This is different from my normal writing, but I am feeling a change-up.

Sarah and I both recently lost our babies. We both lost our first babies. Her little angel, Grace, and my Jackson are a little over one week apart. We are grieving together, and it has been a great source of comfort to have another mama walking at the exact same pace as me. We feel the same emotions, often at the same times. We are mama's to angels in Heaven, but we sure do wish with every fiber of our being that we could be mother's to those sweet babies on Earth. We will always be soul sisters, even though we have not met yet. We plan to though very soon! See you soon Sweet Sarah!

Go visit Sarah's blog. She is amazing and inspiring. You will love her. Lets support her and John with love and prayers.

On to my letter. No pictures today, just a letter.

Sweet Angel Jackson-


I sit here staring at a blinking cursor. 


What do you say when there is so much to say? Do you know how much you are loved? Do you know how much you are missed? Do you know how much we need you?

Your mama and daddy need you here. We need to hold you. We need to have you grasp your tiny little hand around our fingers. We need to see you stretch out those legs and kick those sweet little feet. We need to smell the top of your head, pinch those full little cheeks, and shower you kisses.  We need to wake up in the middle of the night to feed you and soothe you back to sleep in the rocking chair. We need to hear you cry and we need to hear you laugh. We would love to see a good gummy baby smile right now. We need to experience that look that babies give their parents the "oh, I do not know much about anything...but I know I love you" look. The look of pure comfort and joy, really. Sweet sweet baby love. We need all of it, and then some. And then some more.


Our arms are empty and we do not understand. We know you are happy and safe in Heaven with the Lord, but we would argue that you would be happier and safer right here in our arms. We know that much.

We thank you for some good days, some great sunshine, and love. We just wish that all of these things were shared with you right beside us.  Every second of every day makes us think of you, love you, and miss you. You have been an amazing angel to not only us, but to many other people. We are proud parents, and hope that you continue to keep up the good work. We know you would never let anyone down because you are just that good at what you do, and you heart is just that big. Your footprints are everywhere :) We may not get to watch you grow, but we do get to watch you do really incredible things from Heaven...and that is very very cool. We are proud parents. We are so very proud of you, sweet boy.


We watched this the other day and thought of you...We all miss you, even Lucy. 

You, Jackson Neil, are the love of our life. We will love you and miss you forever. We will cry tears and miss you everyday, until we close our eyes for the last time on Earth. We love you to the moon and back. We love you forever. We love you for always. 



Love,
Mom and Dad