The New Normal.

"When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. " ~Author Unknown

The New Normal. 

Whatever that is.

This week I....

Hooked back in with this

Packed up this

Got into this

Tearfully said goodbye to him (the worst part)

And drove off into these

Yep. That's right. Back to work. 

Back in the saddle.

It had to happen at some point, and we both came to the conclusion that it was time. No point in delaying it and no point in not getting life back to "normal". We have found over the past 8 weeks that the busier and more distracted we are, the easier the days turn out to be. The more tired we are going to bed, the more peaceful we sleep. You get the picture.

I think it is along the same lines of when you take your kids to the pool and spend the whole day just wearing them out....then they sleep like rocks that night and generally are much more subdued. The pool is just a vehicle to distract and exhaust the busy mind and body. Right now, the "pool" is work for me. Keep me busy. Keep me active. Keep my mind sharp and always on task. Just keep me distracted. 

Just a few days in, and so far, so good. 

Obviously there was, and still is anxiety around returning to work. But you know what? Anxiety with a side of grief will always be in my life. I have a permanent hole in my heart that I am just not going to bother refilling. No point there. I learned a valuable lesson this week. You can live with a hole in your heart. It hurts, but you can survive. Living is exactly what my son would want me to do. Life must resume. I will be strong.

I have found that every step that I made this week was a good one. Forward movement. One little step at a time. I am starting to feel like myself again, and it actually feels good.

Every face that I missed so much over the last 8 weeks was there for me. Exactly where I left them. They were all there with a big long hug, an extra hand squeeze, and even a few tears. They all melted my anxiety away and my son delivered me an extra dose of strength. I found that I could clearly articulate how I was doing and how I was feeling without losing it. I did not stifle any emotions, but found that I could actually say many things without a turning into a puddle on the floor. I encountered a few people who did not know what happened, and I just handled it. I cleared that hurdle with ease and grace, all the while making sure the other party did not feel uncomfortable because they innocently inquired about Jackson. I felt so strong and so very proud of myself. Russ would say that "Vintage Emily is coming back", and he would be right. She is back.

 One of the biggest questions I receive these days is:

"Do you want me to ask you about Jackson?" or "Do you want me to say his name?"

The answer?

YES. YES. YES.

Here is a quote that I love, and one that I feel eloquently addresses my (our) feelings:

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."

A perfect quote to say exactly how I (we) feel.

I want you to ask about him. If it is not a good moment, I will tell you.

I want you to say his name. He is real. He is our son, who just happens to be in Heaven. We are parents to an angel. Every time someone says his name, my heart smiles. It is almost like every time someone says his name it makes up for all of the times I wish I was saying it to him daily as I held him in my arms. No matter how hard we try, we will never get to say his name as much as we would if he were here. Our arms may not be full of baby, but our hearts and souls are completely full with Jackson Neil and that is where he will always be.

Say his name. It is music to our ears.

 Another question I get frequently is:

"What is the hardest thing for you right now?"

Outside of the obvious of just missing him more than I can put into words and having a void in my life that  cannot ever be filled.....

It is holidays.

Every single holiday. Big or small.

I (we) have dealt with Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Father's Day, and July 4th. Then add in a 1 and 2 month old birthday. All of them feel like bullets to the gut that you just have to take. I had made plans for all of them.

As women, we make holidays what they are. I mean come on. For the most part, Christmas is Christmas because mama bear put everything in motion. Thanksgiving generally happens because a mama is there peeling potatoes at 1:00 AM, yet still manages to be ready the next morning to prepare outfits for the children to wear for the big feast. Sure dad gets to carve the turkey, but mama did everything else before that.

Whether we realize it or not, we innately prepare for the holidays either 1) as young adults before children are even in our lives or 2) by spending the whole year planning every little detail of every holiday for our children. We want perfection. We want the memory. We want our children to remember everything about the holiday. The sounds, smells, traditions, excitement, the silly festive outfits, the obligatory family photo session, and above all, the straight up family love.

I woke up on July 4th thinking that Russ and I should be discussing whether to put in him in a seersucker romper or whether to go with a super festive "Happy 4th" onesie. We should be seeing if we can find a parade in town. We should be figuring out what time to grill our dinner that works best with feeding and sleeping time. We should be starting our own family traditions. This is the stuff we should be talking about, instead we are fumbling around the house trying to make sense of the day.

So, yeah, I am a holiday junkie. I love them. Needless to say, the holidays are hard and painful. We wish he was here to celebrate them with us. I have a seersucker romper with his name on it and an empty memory card on my camera ready to take a thousand photos of him.

 The new normal. This is it. We have arrived. Life must resume.

Both my boys and a footprint in this photo. Love :)

Thank you to everyone who made the tough return back to work smooth,easy and overall less painful. Thank you for your constant love, prayers, and support. I love all of you. If I have not seen you yet, I look forward to that over the coming weeks! I am giving out free hugs :)

 We have a busy couple of weeks coming up. Thank goodness. Distraction city.

This coming Friday we head to camp for the dedication of Jackson's Camp Scholarship Fund! We cannot wait to go to this wonderful event, and we are very excited to see some old friends! It will be Russ' first time visiting camp, so that should be a real treat!

In just over 2 weeks, this fund has generated over $5,000! WOW! We are half way there to raising enough money for an endowment fund! Amazing. Incredible. Unbelievable. Powerful. Humbling.

Do your thing, Jackson Neil :) We are so proud.

We can do this. There is still plenty of time to donate!!

I am looking forward to sharing all about our trip to camp. That should be a beautiful and emotional post. Camp makes me cry on a random day, so this could be a doozy :) Fair warning, folks. Fair warning.


We love and miss you JND!

Love,

Emily and Russ

Beach photo dump......

 

Oh, my. Colorful distressed planks of wood + antique hooks=cardiac arrest. Want? Yes. Need? No. *sigh*