"Today, a new sun rises for me; everything lives, everything is animated, everything seems to speak to me of my passion, everything invites me to cherish it." -Anne De Lenclos
THAT quote.
We have a new sun, folks. A new, bright sun.
I have much to share, and to my readers...this blog post will be a true smorgasbord of topics. I am not sure if I can creatively mash them up either. Just lots of topics to download today.
So, lets chat about how JND's Birthday looked and felt. (This story has a great ending!)
Yes, it was an incredibly painful and emotional day. Originally, Russ and I were going to take off of work together and just try to muscle through the day doing who-knows-what. At the last minute, a few things came up that could not be moved to another day...so we both ended up working. Turns out, this was not actually a bad thing. Just as it has been since Day 1, the busier....the better. Don't get me wrong, we still would have liked to be together finding our own type of busy...but a full work day for both of us worked out just fine.
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I took extra make-up materials with me, because I intermittently cried all day. I also did not talk on the phone and barely answered text messages that day. I just could not take it. I put my head down and tried to plow through the day. When I say that I hardly communicated with my family that day, I am not joking. I called my Mom around 2 PM (I put them off until I felt like I had a break in the tears), and she and my sister were crying over a drink at Outback. That phone call lasted a minute or so, because they made me cry and we all quickly became a hot mess. We really did not have to speak at all that day. We all felt the exact same way, and no words made it any better could have changed any of it.
We all were just trying to burn up the clock for the day. We all wanted and needed the day to come and go.
The weather for the day was quite prophetic.
The morning was gorgeous. Full sun. Nice temperature. A few fluffy clouds. Just beautiful. What did I think about that? I thought that one year ago in the morning, we were still together. Happy. Excited. Ready. Strong and steady heartbeat on the monitor. Blind to what was coming. We were experiencing the highs of knowing that we would soon meet our Jackson, hold him, love him, kiss him and have a birthday party in our L&D room. Sun and our Son. Sounds about right for the morning. It was lovely. I cried. Many times.
The afternoon turned cloudy. The sunshine was at war with the clouds. You could see the war in the sky. Look to the right and sun. Look to the left and dark, nasty clouds. I thought, "well isn't this appropriate". One year ago, in the afternoon, our sunshine was overtaken by nasty clouds. Our son gained his angel wings in the afternoon, and in that moment, there was no sunshine in our lives. The afternoon was cloaked on sadness. The afternoon was pure hell. The afternoon is the worst part of our memories from May 7th. So, when the sun disappeared during the afternoon, it made perfect sense. Then I cried.
So, in keeping with our busy/distracted/"normal" day business....we decided it would be good for us to do what we like to do together that day. We went to Crossfit. This is our time together after a busy work day. Many people that workout in the evenings know our story, but many of them did not know that it was JND's day...which was just fine. We had a great workout, and it felt good to work out the emotion of the day. It was a positive release. Not to mention the sun came pouring through the clouds in this beautiful opening in the sky. It looked like a large hole in the sky and one that rays could just stretch right through. It was stunning. It made us all smile. It made us not feel so alone.
Here is where the story gets amazing.
A few of us planned a special thing we call "Strength-Skill" that was in Jackson's honor. I know this will not make sense to everyone, but here is what we did:
5 sets of 7 Over Head Squats (Russ and I both enjoy these for a few reasons)
1.2 Mile Run (most of us broke up the run into 400 meter runs in between sets)
5-7-12 whoop whoop! I am sure we will try to do this same Strength-Skill every year!
Back to the story.
Set one....
Running up the hill towards the beautiful sun. Loving every second.
(See the sun showing through above? Had to wear my aqua skirt too!)
Set two.....
A small pocket of drizzle came for a minute or so.....Umm, excuse me JND?
Set three....
Come running out and up the hill, make the turn to come down the hill and find the biggest, brightest rainbow I have ever seen in my lifetime in the back field. At this point, there were just no words and everyone saw it.
Set four...
Kickin' sun and rainbow!
(Sorry, no photos of Russ. He finished way too fast!)
Set five.....
Sun and rainbow!
Last 200 meter run....
The rainbow was gone. Here I am post workout with JND....
So much emotion. So much beauty in all of it.
Our son was with us the entire time, and said goodbye right as we were completing our workout in his honor. It could not have been a better ending to a hard day. It gave us a tremendous amount of peace and clarity, in a day that was filled with emotion and difficult memories. There is so much comfort knowing that our son is safe and happy (ok, whatever) in Heaven. I think of those moments we experienced often, and I think of it all as signs of love, faith and HOPE. I think it is Jackson showing off with some sun, and I think it is Jackson also telling us that the future is bright and beautiful. It feels like, " Mom and Dad- I am doing just fine. I am ONE. I am happy. I love you. I got your back. It is OK to move on. Live your lives. I am going back to play now. I love you. Always."
Our response....
It is well.
It is well.
It is well with our soul.
We love you.
Now that we have lived and loved through the first year and his first birthday, I can tell you that we both feel lighter and more free. It was almost instant. I cannot even put into words how much better we feel. It is almost like we both lost 50 pounds and broke free from a tether. If I were to meet someone who has lost a baby, or if someone who has recently lost a baby is reading this....I would tell them that crossing the ONE line is just like crossing the finish line in a race. You did it. You made it. Throw your hands up and smile for the camera. All the pain, emotion, fears, and tears are lessened because you crossed that line. All the build-up and anxiety around this big day is gone. Will we ever be truly happy on May 7th or do a jig because it is the best day ever? No. Will we explain to our children why Mom and Dad are a little sad on this day? Yes. Do I still cry a little bit every day? You bet. But you know what, I am so good with it. I know that this is something I (we) will live with forever. Nothing and no one can replace our JND. We will never try either. Our beautiful first. You can love a life and move on with life at the same time.
And one day, you might eat some birthday cake with your earthly babies because you crossed the birthday line one more time.
So, when I say that a new sun rises. It has.
And with a new sun, comes new words to live by.
Fearless and Forward.
Lets do this.
New sun means new quote books. I am DONE with googling slightly depressing phrases to find what I need to write. Now, I have pages and pages of beautiful art and POSITIVE thought provoking quotes.
More fun announcements....
Our very first camper who was awarded Jackson's Camper Scholarship is settling into camp RIGHT NOW! This is a landmark day for the fund, and the FIRST of TWO campers that will attend camp on a full scholarship this summer! The other camper attends later in the summer. We cannot wait to hear all about their weeks at camp! We
should get pictures and a letter from them (I am pretty sure they still do this) where they tell us all about their week at camp. We will share what we can, but many things we have to keep private for protection of the camper and their families. More to come (hopefully) in this area!
I am pretty excited about sending the campers the best care packages ever while they are at camp! One thing I do know, is camp care packages :)
Next announcement....
Jackson's Garden is starting off its second season beautifully! I will share one photo, because I am going to do a full write up in a few weeks when everything is in full bloom :)
The hydrangeas are going crazy and are much larger than they were last year. They are full of buds, but it is a bit early up here for them to be in full bloom! One little bloom popped early, and it is a beautiful blue :) And the rhododendrons are looking precious in pink too! Stay tuned for more garden beauty and the story around a new entry into the garden in an upcoming post.....
Next announcement...
We are taking the trip of a lifetime.
We are going to Italy for 2 full weeks!
This is going to be the most perfect trip for us! We have planned it all by ourselves, and we could not be more excited! Russ has never been overseas, so he is in for a real treat! We will travel to Sorrento, Capri, and Naples, then to Rome, then to Florence and the Tuscany region, then finish off in Venice. Oh, the sights, the people, the scenery, the food, the wine! Oh my the pictures!
A trip to Italy with my love. New sun rises. Cannot wait!
I think that is all for announcements and stuff!
Thank you to everyone for your endless love and support over the past year.
Thank you for your calls, texts, e-mails, prayers, pictures, flowers, cards, hugs, tears, smiles, laughs, and everything else. So very grateful.
Thank you for your donations to Jackson's Camper Scholarship Fund. Many of you have already sent in your second year donation! THANK YOU!
Thank you for your HOPE.
Thank you for FAITH.
Thank you for helping us find our two new words:
Fearless and Forward.
Thank you for everything. Every single day.
We love you all.
Love,
Emily and Russ
Post-Mud Run photo! So fun and so disgusting!
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