Two big milestones in the last week or so.
Jackson is 6 months old.
We have been married for 4 years.
It is hard to believe that both of these actually happened because it feels like just yesterday that both of them rocked our world.
There is nothing pretty about taking the 6 month bullet, and there is nothing anyone could have done to make it any better. It was an emotionally difficult and distracting day. I am not even sure I was on the same planet as everyone else for the entire day. From sun up to sun down, my baby was on my mind and all I could think about. Jackson had a grip on my heart that was so tight, I was sure I needed to go straight to the ER because I was going to have a heart attack. Sometimes I felt like I could not breathe. Most everything made me weepy and I could make any thought produce tears. I teared up while making copies. I teared up while listening to a ridiculously stupid and upbeat song. I teared up loading my car up for the day. I teared up eating lunch. I teared up reading a funny e-card from a friend. And it goes on and on and on. Lets just chalk it up to a really, really sucky day. I love you JND. I miss you JND. I need you JND.
What made it double as hard was the fact that I was literally looking for him all day. I could not feel him around me. I could not find him in the sky (it was rainy and overcast all day). I felt the most empty and the most lost as I ever have been in 6 months. I was just wondering....searching....floating in an endless sea (of grief) with no sun or light to guide me. I needed him, and I could not find him. My arms and heart were empty for a full 24 hours.
My friend Sarah posted this video on her blog a little while back (warning: it is sad). This video shows a mother otter looking for and crying out for her baby after a vicious attack from Killer Whales. It shows the power of love and the heartbreak that comes with a sudden loss of a loved one. This mother otter is crying out for her baby, and does not understand what happened. She is also literally floating in a sea of greif. She takes temporary solace in the back of the boat, but it not enough. She is confused, angry and paralyzed with sadness. She is searching for her baby, even looking at the people in the boat as if to say, "help me find my baby please! Please!". I totally and completely get how she feels in that moment, I can translate the look on her face, and I can 100% relate to this precious little mother. I speak the same language that she does. I understand how it feels to cry for your pup, and float in that very sea. It is endless, it is exhausting, it is confusing and the response to your cries that you are looking for....will never be answered. I need my pup to cry back to me, but I will never have the opportunity to hear that. I would swim any distance to get to him. So, here I am taking rest on a boat with family and friends from time-to-time and then back to floating in sea crying for my lost baby pup.
“Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know it's an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.” -Nicholas Sparks (I swear I am not a Nicholas Sparks crazed fan....I just happened to like two of his quotes in one day!)
Jackson-
We miss you more and more everyday.
We need you more and more everyday.
We love you more and more everyday.
We wish a Happy 6 Months old to you Jackson Neil DeLoach! Just because you are an angel, does not mean that we cannot try our best to celebrate your half birthday. Your mama grew up celebrating half birthdays, so we will always celebrate yours! Since it feels like half our hearts is here on Earth, we celebrate YOU because the other half of both of our hearts is with you in heaven.
You are a beautiful little angel, who is loved and missed very much. Our lives are not complete without you here. We will never stop loving you, thinking of you, and searching for you. Please continue to watch over us, keep us safe, and keep us healthy. Help us through the next 6 months, the upcoming holiday season, and the obstacles that come with days, weeks and months without you here for us to hold in our arms.
You have done a wonderful job so far, and we are so very proud of you. We continue to be amazed by your beauty, grace, and impact on the world.
You are the great love of our lives.
Always and Forever,
Mama and Daddy
Speaking of Daddy....
4 years ago I married the love of my life.
Neither of us can believe that it has been 4 years. It has been the best 4 years of our lives, that is for sure. In just 4 years we have...
-Loved fiercely and completely
-Laughed until we our sides hurt at each other (laughter is a key ingredient for marital happiness)
-Traveled to Mexico, Destin, Chicago, Milwaukee, Boston, NYC x2, and Charleston
-Visited family and friends in Jackson, Tennessee and Atlanta many times!
-Moved from Jackson to Asheville, North Carolina
-Experienced job loss in the first few weeks of marriage...hence the move mentioned above
-Both of us built more successful careers in a new city
-Built our first home in a place we have fallen in love with
-Welcomed many friends and family into our new home
-Had a wonderful and healthy pregnancy
-Lovingly and excitedly prepared our home for the arrival of our Jackson
-Experienced tremendous and earth shattering loss
-Had a memorial for our baby at our home instead of a homecoming party
-Cried more than you should be allowed to
-Experienced the complete emptiness and darkness that comes with the loss of a baby
-Found more things that we love and can do together, because we are best when together
-Loved each other through every high and low, and through it all.
A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a dear friend about our marriages. We were both gushing, and being totally sappy. I kinda love her for this, as she usually says something that fills my cup right up. She said to me, "If I married him today, what a different feeling I would have about it all. The whole experience would have so much more meaning to me. I feel so much differently about him today, as I did then." Well sister, I completely agree. If I married Russ today, I am not sure I could even walk down the aisle. I would be a mess. Do not even ask me to say vows, because I would be in a pool on the floor. My sister has called me a "hot mess" before, and it would definitely apply to how I would look, act and behave in this situation. Maybe we should renew our vows at 5 years? Perhaps I should start to prepare myself now for that.
I love him so much more and much more completely NOW than I did just 4 years ago. I cannot even wrap my mind around what the next 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 and so on years will mean for our great love and our story. We have so much more ahead of us.
We went to Atlanta for our anniversary, which is fitting because that is where we got married. We stayed in the same hotel we stayed at on our wedding night! The hotel was fabulous and made our stay perfect. In our room we found chocolate covered strawberries....yum yum.
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We took a recommendation from one of my dearest friends, and went to Bones for dinner! It was the most delicious and perfect meal. It was also the best place for us to celebrate and enjoy ourselves. That very same friend sent us with the most amazing bottle of wine! Perfection! Here are some fun photos of dinner... Some are a little funky because I took them all from my phone!
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I came home to this beautiful display of some of my favorite flowers and the best note to accompany them! I love them and him!
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Milestones can mean so many different things.
Milestones can be happy.
Milestones can be sad.
Milestones can be positive and negative or something in between.
Milestones can be celebrated and cursed.
Milestones keep us all going, even if we don't love the road we are traveling down.
Milestones can be personal or group related.
Milestones can be private and public.
Milestones touch us all.
Jackson is 6 months old and our marriage is 4 years old. As we approach the milestone that is Thanksgiving, I have to take a moment and say that I am thankful for both of my boys, RND and JND. I love them both so very much.
Many more milestones to come, and many more to figure out how to deal with.
So here we are, all loaded up in the car that is life with hope, faith and love on the horizon, and all things terrible, horrible, sad and all-around sucky in the rear view . These horrible things and tough milestones can remain behind us, where they belong and because we have lived through them. Soon, they will fade in the distance and become a faraway reminder of where we have been. Like any good driver, we will check our rear view from time to time to see what has gone down behind us...but not for long because we may miss the promise, hope and sweet goodness that is ahead.
Even though JND should be riding along with us, WE WILL continue to move forward. Slowly.
We will take our Lucy along, even with her current blown knee.....
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That is what doped up on pain pills looks like in dog land! Poor pup! She should be better in about 6 weeks :( We HOPE.We hate to see her hurting and hobbling around!! So, we lay with her for a little bit on the floor.....
It is Thanksgiving week. Do not forget to tell someone how much you love them and how thankful you are for them. That is so important. If you can't find the words, find a hug. Find a card. Silently squeeze their hand. Send an e-mail. Send a text. Just tell them. Live through this holiday with zero regret. Life is too short to have regret.
Have you told someone special that you are thankful for them this week?
I will be back next week to hold up my end of that request and talk about the people and things I am thankful for. I think that will help me get through the Thanksgiving holiday milestone and moving forward.
Have a wonderful week and blessed Thanksgiving with all you love.
Love,
Emily and Russ
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