'Twas The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house

Not a baby was stirring, not even a mouse.

The three stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that we might wake up from this nightmare;

Nightly, we cried softly while snug our bed,

While visions of Jackson danced daily in our heads;

All clean and in our jammies, after working out to the fine music known as rap.

Time to settle down for the evening after considering a night-cap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

We sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window we flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

To the moon on the breast of the new fallen snow

Gave the lustre of the mid-day to objects below,

When, what to our wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and nine tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

We knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

 And he whistled, and shouted, and called the by name;

"Now, HOPE! Now, HAPPINESS! Now, FAITH and BELIEF! 

On, FORWARD! On FUTURE! On LOVE and JOY!"

In front, well who could it be?

A new baby reindeer, JND!

"To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With a sleigh full of promise, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, we heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

The sounds of giggles and coos of our of boy,

Oh the bliss, Oh the joy!

Sweet music to our ears,

A moment that stops the endless tears.

As we drew in our heads, and were turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came abound.

He was dressed in all fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of positivity he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

 The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And we laughed when we saw him, in spite of ourselves;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave us to know, we had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings right up to the brim; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But we heard him exclaim, ere he and JND drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

And we shouted back, "Merry Christmas to you Jackson Neil DeLoach, the love of our life!"

Love,

                         Emily, Russ and Baby Jackson 

 

Holiday Mash-Up

"Loved with a love beyond telling, Missed with a grief beyond all tears"-Unknown

Ok, so I checked out for a bit.

No joke, we have been taking on life at a blazing pace these days. It has been absolute craziness on our end. We are thankful for the packed schedule, but it comes with pure exhaustion and a solid appreciation for downtime when we get it.

SO. I have a few precious moments in front of the computer this afternoon, and darn it, I am taking advantage of it. 

The holidays are hitting us with every emotion under the sun, but we were braced for that. Thanksgiving turned out to be fun. My Aunt (the greatest ever!) and Mom (she is pretty awesome too!) decided to dip into the Scotch and Beer (respectively), and that turned into dancing, singing, and laughing our way through preparing casseroles and the big bird. My sister and I just casually sipped wine and watched those two get down with the Thanksgiving spirit! We watched football and ate too many appetizers. Every year we say we will not eat so much before the meal, but that never actually comes to fruition. Oh well, maybe next year ;) All in all, Thanksgiving was not so bad and we more than survived it. We would have liked to have our lil turkey all dressed up for the day (already had an outfit bought, washed and ready) BUT we know our lil turkey was there in spirit helping us smile and have a good time with family who loves us so much. We found ways to count our blessings and be thankful, and that is some serious progress folks. We will take it.

And now, it is Christmas.

THE holiday of all holidays in my book.

A month long holiday at that. It is constant and never ending. It is a nightmare, to put it lightly.


Sometimes, I want to have a rant like this one. I take that back. I totally let one out like this out while helping deck my parent's halls after Thanksgiving. I think we all have a little Clark "Sparky" Griswold in us, and that is just awesome. Everyone laughed after my rant. We all get it and it is totally justified. I cannot guarantee another rant like this one will not come out again over the next few weeks. Sometimes I let it out writing. Sometimes I let it out privately. Sometimes you need to gurd your loins because something is about to get projected on you that you did not see coming.

So, I found the box with the stockings. Yep. Last year at Christmas I was blissfully pregnant and not knowing the sex of our baby. We needed new stockings, and I just was not ready to commit to cute monogrammed ones because our family was and still is not complete. I found some cuties that fit the bill at the TJ Maxx boutique. I bought stockings for Russ and I, and then I bought and extra boy one and an extra girl one. Yeah, opening up that box was a real treat. After a kicked the box across the living room (ouch), teared up, and gave it some time...I decided to tackle the stockings with a game plan. I was hanging up three, gosh darn it.

 

There I am, with both my boys beside me. No body puts baby in a corner, or in a box for that matter.

One day, those stockings will get filled with more love and joy than they can handle.

Right now, they are empty and will remain that way through the holiday season. Right now, it is a miracle they are even up. 

 It is hard to explain how this feels right now, and when you do attempt to explain it....you feel crazy. Walk with me....

I want to go to Babies R Us and buy him presents. I want to blow stupid amounts of money on a 7 month old.

I want to wrap said presents and put them under our beautiful tree. 

I want to buy an ornament that says "Baby's First Christmas".  Heck, I want to buy him an ornament every year.

I want to go see Santa with all the other happy families.

I want to do some Christmas baking with him right beside me. I want to make his Daddy cringe by eating the dough/batter (he has strong feelings about eating that...I ate it my whole life and I am fine....we think). I think cookie dough is one of the finer things in life, and one of my favorite things. I used to love to bake.

I want something Christmas smocked in my life right now. I am a sucker for smocked apparel. Especially holiday smocking. A little John John with something smocked on it? Well, just slap me silly!

I want to sing Christmas carols, and teach him how tone deaf people rock out to the sounds of the season. I have hardly listened to Christmas Carols this year.

I want to put a little Christmas Tree up in his room, because I grew up having a tree in my room and still do. The same tree I grew up with is currently displayed in our room right now (it has seen better days, and looks like a Charlie Brown Tree but I will never throw it away). I love the warm glow of a tree during the month of December to lull you to sleep. I feel terrible and empty knowing his room is closed, cold, dark and tree-less. 

I  just want so many things. I can let go of the wants and say what I need.

I need my son.

I need my family to be complete.

I need happiness to fill our home again.

One day. One day. One day.

As I mentioned, we have been keeping busy. Or as I am trying my best to look at it....we have been busy.....AKA....putting our best foot forward.

After Thanksgiving, some of our dearest friends came to spend the weekend with us. We had the best time! On Friday, we decorated Gingerbread Houses :) I went all out and got the best supplies possible. It got competitive....naturally. Before photo:

And after:

Lets break that down: The girls....

  

VS. The Boys....

They are funny little houses, built with laughter and ton of icing. I cannot wait to do Gingerbread Houses every year with friends, family and one day, with all of our babies. Talk about a fun tradition in the making. I can see it now :) HOPE, baby. HOPE.

How's that for some festive Emily?

The next day, we hit up the Biltmore! I LOVE the Biltmore at Christmas!

And then we hit up the winery....

We had so much fun. When I count my blessings, I always include these two because they are that wonderful. Thanks sweet friends for spending the weekend with us! Come back soon! Our home is always open for you! Morning coffee is best with you two.

The next weekend we threw my mom a fun 60th birthday! We invited her girlfriends to come join us at the house for a few hours! We made lots of desserts, and we joked that the party favor would be insulin shots because of the sheer volume of sugar consumed by each attendee. Cue the famous Razzmosa's....

And a parade of desserts....oh my.

 

And the finished product....

She had a great time. We all had a great time! It was so much fun to host this event! My dad even wore his tux :) He looked super and it fit him great! Still got it Dad! I have to admit, whenever he talks about wearing it (he likes to wear it!), I do think of this scene from Father of The Bride :)

Here is Mom, with her birthday "facinator". Isn't she precious?! She referred to herself as "Kate" (Middleton) all day. I am not seeing the resemblance, but who is to argue with the birthday girl! Yes, that is a martini glass on a headband....complete with feathers and subtle netting around the face for some drama. Mom in a facinator and Dad in a tux....that is how we put our best foot forward, people! Too cute!

Happy Birthday Mom! Cheers to many, many more years! You are the best! We love you!

Now, we are at home for the weekend and are gearing up to start 2 weeks of traveling. It has been nice to be at home with not a whole lot on the agenda. We have not done that in nearly 2 months! These next 2 weeks will be challenging, as we were not supposed to hit the roads this Christmas. We had so many plans for how our home would look and feel over Christmas break. We are devastated these plans look different than how we planned, but we do look forward to seeing and spending time with many family and friends. It is the time of year to surround ourselves with all those that we love, and let their energy and love lift us up. The road plan: Asheville to Jackson, TN to Atlanta to Sea Island and then back to Asheville. What a trip! This sleigh will be all loaded up and hauling around the Southeast!

Hug your family extra tight this Christmas. Hug your babies tighter.

Take time to enjoy the littlest of things.

Start a new Christmas tradition. No one is too busy to start one. Put your best foot forward.

Check-in with someone you know could be struggling this Christmas and just let them know you are thinking of them. It goes a long way. Trust me. It may help them move forward.

Tragedy has struck too many people in 2012. I pray for a better 2013 for everyone. Lucky 13, as I like to say. We need something to believe in, and that is about the best I can do right now. I HOPE it is a Lucky 13 for so many people.

Merry Christmas and Happy Lucky 13 to you all.

Love,

Emily and Russ

 

 

  






  

6 and 4

“In times of grief and sorrow I will hold you and rock you and take your grief and make it my own. When you cry I cry and when you hurt I hurt. And together we will try to hold back the floods to tears and despair and make it through the potholed street of life” -Nicholas Sparks The Notebook


Two big milestones in the last week or so.

Jackson is 6 months old.

We have been married for 4 years. 

It is hard to believe that both of these actually happened because it feels like just yesterday that both of them rocked our world.

There is nothing pretty about taking the 6 month bullet, and there is nothing anyone could have done to make it any better. It was an emotionally difficult and distracting day. I am not even sure I was on the same planet as everyone else for the entire day. From sun up to sun down, my baby was on my mind and all I could think about.  Jackson had a grip on my heart that was so tight, I was sure I needed to go straight to the ER because I was going to have a heart attack.  Sometimes I felt like I could not breathe. Most everything made me weepy and I could make any thought produce tears. I teared up while making copies. I teared up while listening to a ridiculously stupid and upbeat song. I teared up loading my car up for the day. I teared up eating lunch. I teared up reading a funny e-card from a friend. And it goes on and on and on. Lets just chalk it up to a really, really sucky day. I love you JND. I miss you JND. I need you JND.

What made it double as hard was the fact that I was literally looking for him all day. I could not feel him around me. I could not find him in the sky (it was rainy and overcast all day). I felt the most empty and the most lost as I ever have been in 6 months. I was just wondering....searching....floating in an endless sea (of grief) with no sun or light to guide me. I needed him, and I could not find him. My arms and heart were empty for a full 24 hours.

My friend Sarah posted this video on her blog a little while back (warning: it is sad). This video shows a mother otter looking for and crying out for her baby after a vicious attack from Killer Whales. It shows the power of love and the heartbreak that comes with a sudden loss of a loved one. This mother otter is crying out for her baby, and does not understand what happened. She is also literally floating in a sea of greif. She takes temporary solace in the back of the boat, but it not enough. She is confused, angry and paralyzed with sadness. She is searching for her baby, even looking at the people in the boat as if to say, "help me find my baby please! Please!".  I totally and completely get how she feels in that moment, I can translate the look on her face, and I can 100%  relate to this precious little mother. I speak the same language that she does. I understand how it feels to cry for your pup, and float in that very sea. It is endless, it is exhausting, it is confusing and the response to your cries that you are looking for....will never be answered. I need my pup to cry back to me, but I will never have the opportunity to hear that. I would swim any distance to get to him. So, here I am taking rest on a boat with family and friends from time-to-time and then back to floating in sea crying for my lost baby pup.

“Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face - I know it's an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.” -Nicholas Sparks (I swear I am not a Nicholas Sparks crazed fan....I just happened to like two of his quotes in one day!)

Jackson-
 
We miss you more and more everyday. 

We need you more and more everyday.
 
We love you more and more everyday.

We wish a Happy 6 Months old to you Jackson Neil DeLoach! Just because you are an angel, does not mean that we cannot try our best to celebrate your half birthday. Your mama grew up celebrating half birthdays, so we will always celebrate yours! Since it feels like half our hearts is here on Earth, we celebrate YOU because the other half of both of our hearts is with you in heaven.

You are a beautiful little angel, who is loved and missed very much. Our lives are not complete without you here. We will never stop loving you, thinking of you, and searching for you. Please continue to watch over us, keep us safe, and keep us healthy. Help us through the next 6 months, the upcoming holiday season, and the obstacles that come with days, weeks and months without you here for us to hold in our arms.

You have done a wonderful job so far, and we are so very proud of you. We continue to be amazed by your beauty, grace, and impact on the world.

You are the great love of our lives.

Always and Forever,

Mama and Daddy

Speaking of Daddy....

4 years ago I married the love of my life.

Neither of us can believe that it has been 4 years. It has been the best 4 years of our lives, that is for sure. In just 4 years we have...
-Loved fiercely and completely
-Laughed until we our sides hurt at each other (laughter is a key ingredient for marital happiness)


-Traveled to Mexico, Destin, Chicago, Milwaukee, Boston, NYC x2, and Charleston
-Visited family and friends in Jackson, Tennessee and Atlanta many times!
-Moved from Jackson to Asheville, North Carolina
-Experienced job loss in the first few weeks of marriage...hence the move mentioned above
-Both of us built more successful careers in a new city
-Built our first home in a place we have fallen in love with

-Welcomed many friends and family into our new home
-Had a wonderful and healthy pregnancy
-Lovingly and excitedly prepared our home for the arrival of our Jackson
-Experienced tremendous and earth shattering loss
-Had a memorial for our baby at our home instead of a homecoming party
-Cried more than you should be allowed to
-Experienced the complete emptiness and darkness that comes with the loss of a baby
-Found more things that we love and can do together, because we are best when together
-Loved each other through every high and low, and through it all.

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a dear friend about our marriages. We were both gushing, and being totally sappy. I kinda love her for this, as she usually says something that fills my cup right up. She said to me, "If I married him today, what a different feeling I would have about it all. The whole experience would have so much more meaning to me. I feel so much differently about him today, as I did then." Well sister, I completely agree. If I married Russ today, I am not sure I could even walk down the aisle. I would be a mess. Do not even ask me to say vows, because I would be in a pool on the floor. My sister has called me a "hot mess" before, and it would definitely apply to how I would look, act and behave in this situation. Maybe we should renew our vows at 5 years? Perhaps I should start to prepare myself now for that.

I love him so much more and much more completely NOW than I did just 4 years ago. I cannot even wrap my mind around what the next 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 and so on years will mean for our great love and our story. We have so much more ahead of us.

And yeah, he is that lucky :)

When he calls me his Bride....I do always think of this shot....*sigh*

Now fast forward to today.....

We went to Atlanta for our anniversary, which is fitting because that is where we got married. We stayed in the same hotel we stayed at on our wedding night! The hotel was fabulous and made our stay perfect. In our room we found chocolate covered strawberries....yum yum.

We took a recommendation from one of my dearest friends, and went to Bones for dinner! It was the most delicious and perfect meal. It was also the best place for us to celebrate and enjoy ourselves. That very same friend sent us with the most amazing bottle of wine! Perfection! Here are some fun photos of dinner... Some are a little funky because I took them all from my phone!

 

 

 And then dessert. Russ insisted on getting the Pecan Pie....Before...

 Insert reaction....

After.....

After dinner we decided to hit up the hotel bar for drinks....it was kinda dark...so these photos are blurry.

 

The next morning we walked around the corner to South City Kitchen for brunch! So so good!

 

 

 

Russ really wanted to try Chicken and Waffles...and here you have it...

Taking it in....

We celebrated our anniversary early, so here is picture of my Groom on our actual anniversary!

I came home to this beautiful display of some of my favorite flowers and the best note to accompany them! I love them and him!

Milestones can mean so many different things.

Milestones can be happy.

Milestones can be sad.

Milestones can be positive and negative or something in between.

Milestones can be celebrated and cursed.

Milestones teach you something--either immediately or later down the road.

Milestones keep us all going, even if we don't love the road we are traveling down.

Milestones can be personal or group related.

Milestones can be private and public.

Milestones touch us all.

Jackson is 6 months old and our marriage is 4 years old.  As we approach the milestone that is Thanksgiving, I have to take a moment and say that I am thankful for both of my boys, RND and JND. I love them both so very much.

Many more milestones to come, and many more to figure out how to deal with. 

So here we are, all loaded up in the car that is life with hope, faith and love on the horizon, and all things terrible, horrible, sad and all-around sucky in the rear view . These horrible things and tough milestones can remain behind us, where they belong and because we have lived through them. Soon, they will fade in the distance and become a faraway reminder of where we have been. Like any good driver, we will check our rear view from time to time to see what has gone down behind us...but not for long because we may miss the promise, hope and sweet goodness that is ahead.

Even though JND should be riding along with us, WE WILL continue to move forward. Slowly.

We will take our Lucy along, even with her current blown knee.....

That is what doped up on pain pills looks like in dog land! Poor pup! She should be better in about 6 weeks :( We HOPE.We hate to see her hurting and hobbling around!! So, we lay with her for a little bit on the floor.....

It is Thanksgiving week. Do not forget to tell someone how much you love them and how thankful you are for them. That is so important. If you can't find the words, find a hug. Find a card. Silently squeeze their hand. Send an e-mail. Send a text. Just tell them. Live through this holiday with zero regret. Life is too short to have regret.

Have you told someone special that you are thankful for them this week? 

I will be back next week to hold up my end of that request and talk about the people and things I am thankful for. I think that will help me get through the Thanksgiving holiday milestone and moving forward.

Have a wonderful week and blessed Thanksgiving with all you love.

Love,
Emily and Russ