See Ya Later!

"Possibilities for adventure, beauty, and goodness are all around you. And happiness is in your hands."-Virginia Miller

Passports in hand.

Bags packed.

Trip itinerary locked and loaded.

So much excitement between the two of us that it cannot be measured! (I literally "googled" the following...."Italy!".....complete with exclamation mark. It happened. More than once.)

Viva Italia!

2 weeks of adventure, beauty, and goodness with my love.

We have waited so long for the "This is it!" feeling to come back to us. Well, folks, it is not the same "This is It" as we hoped for at this very juncture....but I have to say.....this is a close and unbelievable "THIS IS IT"!

We will take it.

And fly with it.

Hope meet Happiness.

Happiness meet Hope.


Many, many miles to travel but 48 hours from now.....we will be in Capri!

I am taking multiple memory cards for my camera so I do not have to delete a thing! Oh, the pictures!


See you all in 2 weeks!

Love,
Emily and Russ

The Full Report

"Today, a new sun rises for me; everything lives, everything is animated, everything seems to speak to me of my passion, everything invites me to cherish it." -Anne De Lenclos

THAT quote.

We have a new sun, folks. A new,  bright sun. 

I have much to share, and to my readers...this blog post will be a true smorgasbord of topics. I am not sure if I can creatively mash them up either. Just lots of topics to download today.

So, lets chat about how JND's Birthday looked and felt. (This story has a great ending!)

Yes, it was an incredibly painful and emotional day. Originally, Russ and I were going to take off of work together and just try to muscle through the day doing who-knows-what. At the last minute, a few things came up that could not be moved to another day...so we both ended up working. Turns out, this was not actually a bad thing. Just as it has been since Day 1, the busier....the better. Don't get me wrong, we still would have liked to be together finding our own type of busy...but a full work day for both of us worked out just fine.

 

I took extra make-up materials with me, because I intermittently cried all day. I also did not talk on the phone and barely answered text messages that day. I just could not take it. I put my head down and tried to plow through the day.  When I say that I hardly communicated with my family that day, I am not joking.  I called my Mom around 2 PM (I put them off until I felt like I had a break in the tears), and she and my sister were crying over a drink at Outback. That phone call lasted a minute or so, because they made me cry and we all quickly became a hot mess. We really did not have to speak at all that day. We all felt the exact same way, and no words made it any better could have changed any of it.

We all were just trying to burn up the clock for the day. We all wanted and needed the day to come and go. 

The weather for the day was quite prophetic.

The morning was gorgeous. Full sun. Nice temperature. A few fluffy clouds. Just beautiful. What did I think about that? I thought that one year ago in the morning, we were still together. Happy. Excited. Ready. Strong and steady heartbeat on the monitor. Blind to what was coming. We were experiencing the highs of knowing that we would soon meet our Jackson, hold him, love him, kiss him and have a birthday party in our L&D room. Sun and our Son. Sounds about right for the morning. It was lovely.  I cried. Many times.

The afternoon turned cloudy. The sunshine was at war with the clouds. You could see the war in the sky. Look to the right and sun. Look to the left and dark, nasty clouds. I thought, "well isn't this appropriate". One year ago, in the afternoon, our sunshine was overtaken by nasty clouds. Our son gained his angel wings in the afternoon, and in that moment, there was no sunshine in our lives. The afternoon was cloaked on sadness. The afternoon was pure hell. The afternoon is the worst part of our memories from May 7th. So, when the sun disappeared during the afternoon, it made perfect sense. Then I cried.

So, in keeping with our busy/distracted/"normal" day business....we decided it would be good for us to do what we like to do together that day. We went to Crossfit. This is our time together after a busy work day. Many people that workout in the evenings know our story, but many of them did not know that it was JND's day...which was just fine. We had a great workout, and it felt good to work out the emotion of the day. It was a positive release. Not to mention the sun came pouring through the clouds in this beautiful opening in the sky. It looked like a large hole in the sky and one that rays could just stretch right through. It was stunning. It made us all smile. It made us not feel so alone.

Here is where the story gets amazing.

A few of us planned a special thing we call "Strength-Skill" that was in Jackson's honor. I know this will not make sense to everyone, but here is what we did:

5 sets of 7 Over Head Squats (Russ and I both enjoy these for a few reasons)
1.2 Mile Run (most of us broke up the run into 400 meter runs in between sets)

5-7-12 whoop whoop! I am sure we will try to do this same Strength-Skill every year!

Back to the story.

Set one....

Running up the hill towards the beautiful sun. Loving every second.

(See the sun showing through above? Had to wear my aqua skirt too!)
 
Set two.....

A small pocket of drizzle came for a minute or so.....Umm, excuse me JND?

Set three....

Come running out and up the hill, make the turn to come down the hill and find the biggest, brightest rainbow I have ever seen in my lifetime in the back field. At this point, there were just no words and everyone saw it.

Set four...

Kickin' sun and rainbow!

 (Sorry, no photos of Russ. He finished way too fast!)

Set five.....

Sun and rainbow!

Last 200 meter run....

The rainbow was gone.  Here I am post workout with JND....

So much emotion. So much beauty in all of it.

Our son was with us the entire time, and said goodbye right as we were completing our workout in his honor. It could not have been a better ending to a hard day. It gave us a tremendous amount of peace and clarity, in a day that was filled with emotion and difficult memories. There is so much comfort knowing that our son is safe and happy (ok, whatever) in Heaven. I think of those moments we experienced often, and I think of it all as signs of love, faith and HOPE. I think it is Jackson showing off with some sun, and I think it is Jackson also telling us that the future is bright and beautiful. It feels like, " Mom and Dad- I am doing just fine. I am ONE. I am happy. I love you. I got your back. It is OK to move on. Live your lives. I am going back to play now. I love you. Always."

Our response....

It is well.

It is well.

It is well with our soul.

We love you.

Now that we have lived and loved through the first year and his first birthday, I can tell you that we both feel lighter and more free. It was almost instant. I cannot even put into words how much better we feel. It is almost like we both lost 50 pounds and broke free from a tether. If I were to meet someone who has lost a baby, or if someone who has recently lost a baby is reading this....I would tell them that crossing the ONE line is just like crossing the finish line in a race. You did it. You made it. Throw your hands up and smile for the camera. All the pain, emotion, fears, and tears are lessened because you crossed that line. All the build-up and anxiety around this big day is gone.  Will we ever be truly happy on May 7th or do a jig because it is the best day ever? No. Will we explain to our children why Mom and Dad are a little sad on this day? Yes.  Do I still cry a little bit every day? You bet. But you know what, I am so good with it. I know that this is something I (we) will live with forever. Nothing and no one can replace our JND. We will never try either. Our beautiful first.  You can love a life and move on with life at the same time. 

And one day, you might eat some birthday cake with your earthly babies because you crossed the birthday line one more time.

So, when I say that a new sun rises. It has. 

And with a new sun, comes new words to live by.

Fearless and Forward.

Lets do this.

New sun means new quote books. I am DONE with googling slightly depressing phrases to find what I need to write. Now, I have pages and pages of beautiful art and POSITIVE thought provoking quotes.

More fun announcements....

Our very first camper who was awarded Jackson's Camper Scholarship is settling into camp RIGHT NOW! This is a landmark day for the fund, and the FIRST of TWO campers that will attend camp on a full scholarship this summer! The other camper attends later in the summer.  We cannot wait to hear all about their weeks at camp! We should get pictures and a letter from them (I am pretty sure they still do this) where they tell us all about their week at camp. We will share what we can, but many things we have to keep private for protection of the camper and their families. More to come (hopefully) in this area!

I am pretty excited about sending the campers the best care packages ever while they are at camp! One thing I do know, is camp care packages :)

Next announcement....

Jackson's Garden is starting off its second season beautifully! I will share one photo, because I am going to do a full write up in a few weeks when everything is in full bloom :)

The hydrangeas are going crazy and are much larger than they were last year. They are full of buds, but it is a bit early up here for them to be in full bloom! One little bloom popped early, and it is a beautiful blue :) And the rhododendrons are looking precious in pink too! Stay tuned for more garden beauty and the story around a new entry into the garden in an upcoming post.....

Next announcement...

We are taking the trip of a lifetime.

We are going to Italy for 2 full weeks!

This is going to be the most perfect trip for us! We have planned it all by ourselves, and we could not be more excited! Russ has never been overseas, so he is in for a real treat! We will travel to Sorrento, Capri, and Naples, then to Rome, then to Florence and the Tuscany region, then finish off in Venice. Oh, the sights, the people, the scenery, the food, the wine! Oh my the pictures!

A trip to Italy with my love.  New sun rises. Cannot wait!

I think that is all for announcements and stuff!

Thank you to everyone for your endless love and support over the past year.

Thank you for your calls, texts, e-mails, prayers, pictures, flowers, cards, hugs, tears, smiles, laughs, and everything else. So very grateful.

Thank you for your donations to Jackson's Camper Scholarship Fund. Many of you have already sent in your second year donation! THANK YOU! 

Thank you for your HOPE.

Thank you for FAITH.

Thank you for helping us find our two new words: Fearless and Forward.

Thank you for everything. Every single day.

We love you all.

Love,
Emily and Russ

Post-Mud Run photo! So fun and so disgusting!

 



 



 

ONE

We Love You Forever
We Like You For Always
As Long As We Are Living Our Baby Boy You Will Be. ~ The DeLoach Version

Jackson Neil DeLoach
Born May 7, 2013
6 Pounds, 13 Ounces
20 Inches

The day is here.

His day is here.

Our baby boy is ONE.

One beautiful and entirely too short life is ONE.

ONE.

The Love Letter of All Love Letters......Here we go.

Sweet Jackson Neil,

YOU.

Our little love. Our great love. Our beautiful baby angel.

We have now lived 365 days without you and we miss you even more than we did one year ago. You own the other half of our hearts and we hope your chunky sticky baby fingers can find a way to put our hearts back together again one day. We sent our hearts to heaven with you at 12:09 on May 7, 2012. YOU will always have our hearts, even if you do figure out how to glue them together. Just remember, even if our hearts are glued....please save as big of a piece of them as you would like. It is yours to keep and our hole to live with. We live for YOU.

We love you with a love that is never ending. We need you in ways we cannot describe to even each other sometimes. We miss you with every fiber of our being every second of every day. We cry a little everyday for you. We cry for the person you were. We cry for what we have lost. We cry for what you would have been. We cry for the lessons you have taught us. We cry for HOPE. We cry for FAITH. We cry for LOVE.

We cry because our arms are empty and we want YOU in them. 

On this side of eternity we will never have answers for why you left us so soon and why our arms are not full of you, everyday. However, we do understand the following:

You are an inspiration.

You are grace.

You are beautiful. You are amazing.

You give and spread HOPE.

You give us (and many, many others) strength.

You make us angry and you also make us so sad.

You make us happy and you make us cry in a hot second.

You are gratitude.

You are patience, kindness, and goodness.

You are LIGHT and Sunshine. And even a butterfly here and there :)

You are LOVE. All consuming love. Can't live without it kind of love.

YOU are the love of our lives. #1 is ONE. 

YOU made us Daddy and Mommy.

Jackson, you have touched so many lives in just ONE year. You have certainly changed our lives, and we will continue to try our best to be BETTER and not BITTER. We want to be better for you and better for the world. We always want to make you proud. We hope that you can smile from heaven watching us, and know that every step and every heartbeat of your journey (then, now and forever) means something real here on Earth. We will always believe in YOU. 

We ask you to continue to watch over us, guide us and keep us safe. We will hold you tightly in our hearts and our love for you will continue to grow. We will find you and see you in our dreams. That is where we will play, color, smile, read, snuggle, run, laugh, sing songs, eat ice cream, chase Lucy and even throw the football with your adorable Daddy. Dreams are where we will find you until we see you and hold you again. 

We love you Jackson Neil DeLoach. So very much. Always and Forever.

Happy Birthday to you.

Happy Birthday to YOU.

Happy Birthday dear sweet angel Jackson!

Happy Birthday to YOU! 

Good night sweet angel of ours. Love you to the moon and back. Kiss kiss kiss and a never ending squeeze!

All of our love,

Daddy and Mommy

 

Time.

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
-Rose Kennedy

I concur.

Sometimes I think my whole body is covered in scar tissue. Some of that tissue is thick and tough as nails, and some of it is as thin as thin gets.

The pain is never gone. It never will be gone. This, we have always known.  Just when I feel like I have my arms around it, the pain cuts right through all that progress.


I could equate it to my flowers outside that keep getting pelted with rain, hail, wind, all-around weird weather and even the occasional rocking chair. They grow and grow, and then with one bad storm....they have to find a way to make it work all over again. Except they never looked the same as before. It is a never-ending cycle. Growth. Another storm. Rain. Growth. Then a nasty windy day that turns things up again.  I completely understand how this feels.

Pain and flowers. Somewhere in my brain this makes sense.

The pain from Jackson will lesson, eventually. I just think that our scar tissue is a little thin right now. And that is OK. It is supposed to be thin. Our son is almost ONE.

ONE.

I cannot believe it. THIS I cannot wrap my arms around. How? Why? Do we have to? Seriously? ONE. My God. How?

We are both just sad right now. It is hard to find the strength to celebrate his day when you are heartbroken. All I can think about is....this time last year. I think about my final few weeks of pregnancy often. I think about how wonderful those last few weeks were with Jackson and how excited we were. I think about how much I enjoyed being pregnant. I think about how carefully I was preparing his room, and how I felt like it would never be ready. I think about how excited everyone was for his arrival. I think about Russ looked at US, and how he was so ready to be a Daddy. I think about selecting his "going home outfit", and how this was a big decision for me. I think about how I slipped the bonnet that the outfit came with into the hospital bag because I wanted him to come home in a traditional outfit and I knew that his Daddy would be less than amused with his son coming home in bonnet. I think about how we debated about the outfit because everyone thought Jackson was going to be HUGE and surely a newborn outfit would not fit him! Turns out he was not big. What they thought was weight, was actually length. He was long and skinny, and that outfit would have fit him perfectly. My little 6 pound frog was built just like his Daddy. I think about the child birthing class we attended, and how I watched Russ lovingly burp and swaddle a cabbage patch doll with perfection, all the while talking softy to the doll and calling it Jackson Neil. I think about how swollen and large my feet were at the end of a day, and how I wondered if they would ever return to normal because if they did not...I was going to have to have a  massive shoe sale. I think about how I could look in my rear view mirror and see the new baby set up behind me, and how this made my heart skip a beat. I think about how much we loved to see him on the ultrasound monitor, and how adorable he was with his tongue constantly sticking out. We wondered why he did that, and we also laughed about how large his feet were on the monitor :) Oh, those feet those feet those feet!

Most of all, I think about my mornings with him. That was our time. I miss my mornings with him and I would give ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING to have just ONE more morning with him. We played in his room every morning before I left for work, and it was the most wonderful part of the day. I am glad I have these memories of him, and I am glad he made sure that I remember them. I will always remember these moments not because they were my final moments with him, but because they are the sweetest and best moments. We were happy. We were complete. We were together. Me and my son. My son who is soon to be ONE.

This time of year is just tough. It is tough for our whole entire family. We are all hurting. We all miss that baby boy more than we can ever say. We are all sad and everyone's scar tissue is thin.

Spring brings so much life and color into the world, and in many ways....we feel like we are living in a black and white colorless world. Things feel quieter. Things feel duller. Things feel uncertain. Things either feel emotionless or shot full of it....no in between. No middle. Everyone around us seems to be moving on and happy, and that is great.....but we are still standing here. It is like we are at a train station ready to board and something keeps stopping us from getting on the train with our bags in hand. Train after train comes through and here we stand. They do a final call for boarding, and we chose to stay behind on the platform. Maybe the month of May train has to arrive, and then we can get on and feel good about it. I don't know. I am not sure what we are waiting on or why it feels this way. I wish it were different. I wish we could take that BIG step forward.

I have taken time to go back and read so many posts from the past few months. I can see progress. I can. It is small. It is little tiny steps. We still have not taken the BIG step. I can clearly see that in my writing.

What is the BIG step?

I don't know.

I know it is not another child. I know it is not.

If I had to take a stab at it, I  would say that we have got to figure out where we are with Jackson and everything that happened to us that day and everyday since. We have to find that place where we are comfortable with where he is, and how we can love him completely but still move forward with life. THAT is the hardest part. Hope, Faith and Love are in the bags we carry, we just have to figure out what train we will board and we have to be ready to take the BIG step FORWARD.

Today, is not a move forward day. Tomorrow is not a move forward day.

May 7th is not a move forward day.

Jackson has gotten every moment of everyday before he ever arrived and he will continue to get that from us. This is his year. He will get all 365 days of it (and then some and then some more), and then we will figure out when and if we are ready to move forward. We will wait and make sure we are fully ready in every way before we take that big step onto the train. When we transform from standing on a platform to sitting on a train whose destination could be Anywhere-But-Here, everyone will know it because they can feel it from us through our words and our actions. Most of all, we will know it, because we will be happy and at peace with it. When we sit on that train and look at each other, we will breathe, exhale, close our eyes, open our hearts....and get carried away.

All of this takes TIME.

Our son needs time.

Our wounds need time.

Our flowers outside need time.

Everything right now needs time.

Growth and healing happens in time.

Time will not heal everything, but in time we will find healing and HOPEfully the pain will lessen. Then we can find a way to move forward with the pain and know that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be, even if it is not how we imagined it or wanted it. A life free of questioning what happened. A life free of anger about it all. A life free of this darkness. A life full of acceptance and peace. A life fill of understanding. A life full of "I cry a little bit once a day for my angel son and I am good with it". A life full of trust and faith in God. A life full of color. A life full of LOVE. A life full of goodness. A life full of laughter. A life full of smiles. A life full of sunshine. A life full of fun. A life full of living. A life full of life. A life full of HOPE.

A life for Jackson and with Jackson.

That is where we need to be. THIS just takes time.

I want to live this quote one day.

"Tell me, what do you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? - Mary Oliver

When I have THAT figured out, I will be on the train with both of my boys, RND and JND ready to rock this one wild and precious life.

That will be the day.

Hey, at least I am not looking for a certain train. That is progress folks.

I have one picture to share with this post. I took it this week, as I was pulling out of the driveway in the evening. Someone is almost ONE, and more beautiful and amazing than ever. Such a mature sunset :) After all, he has had nearly ONE year of practice! We love him and miss him so very much. There is HOPE that we can find a life full of peace when we experience a breath taking moment like this one.  We see you sweet boy!

We love you Jackson Neil.

All the time, and for the rest of time.

Love,
Mom and Dad

See You Again

"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much" - Mother Teresa

Isn't that the truth!

We kicked off the 30 days of Jackson on Sunday, and it is a smorgasbord of emotions and feelings (smorgasbord...what a great and fun word, I am going to have to use it more often). I am sure I will be able to write about it all one day, but I just can't right now. Tonight, I feel like a song and a few photos is the best possible summary of the last few days.

Thanks Mother Teresa for the quote, and lets thank Carrie Underwood for this new awesome single. I could not have heard it at a better time. It is a beautiful song. Here we go...

"See You Again"

Said goodbye, turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone
Faded into the setting sun,
Slipped away
But I won’t cry
Cause I know I’ll never be lonely
For you are the stars to me,
You are the light I follow

(Sunset on his 11 month day! Hello beautiful and perfect!)
 
[Chorus]
I’ll See you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again
I can hear those echoes in the wind at night
Calling me back in time
Back to you
In a place far away
Where the water meets the sky
The thought of it makes me smile
You are my tomorrow

(It was Sonday, and he was just riding shotgun with Mama!)
 
 [Chorus]
I’ll See you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again



[Bridge]
Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking
But I stay strong and I hold on cause I know
I’ll see you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, yeah yeah

(Gift from Jennifer! Awesome verse and lyric from a favorite band, Third Day, who originally started singing together at camp!)
 
[Outro]
I’ll See you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again
Till I see you again,
Till I see you again,
Said goodbye turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone.

(Sunshine and Footprints. And an insanely ruffly blouse! That is how we do it!)
 
We love you JND.

We will see you again. You are our tomorrow and the light that we follow.

Love,
Mom and Dad