Thoughts and Pictures

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option"-Unknown

Dude.

Busy.

Holy cow.

I absolutely love writing, and love this little blog. It kills me that it has been so long in between posts. Somewhere in there I feel guilty about it, and I feel like I am not giving Jackson the respect and attention he deserves. I talk to him daily and love him every minute of every day, but there is something about writing on this blog that really connects it all for me. I guess you can say that writing completes my thoughts, smooths over my emotions and helps me when I feel helpless. Lets be honest here, it helps me (and us) grieve.

So this morning, I am taking a short intermission from all other things and writing on this blog. JND deserves it and so do I. Nothing else matters right now.

Thoughts of the day. What is it that I need to purge?

Here we go. Or as my dear friend says, "Pull over. I need a minute." So, pull over friends.

1) 9 months. Oh boy. Oh my sweet boy. I cannot even wrap my mind around the fact that we are closer to you being 1 year old than further from it. I just do not even know what to do or think about that. I do not know if I want to start wearing all black now or if I should roll out in something blue everyday between now and then. I don't know if I should get a cake or a straight jacket. I don't know if I want to be alone with your Daddy or with a ton of people. I don't know if I want to break all the rules and sit in your nursery and cry all day or go the hospital and cry or sit outside and cry. No matter what, I will be crying for at least 40-50% of the day. I just do not know what to do about this major milestone, and one thing is for sure, no one else knows what to do either. We are all lost on this one. For the moment, we will celebrate your precious 9 months and take it one month at a time. We love you 9 times more than last month. We miss you 9 times more than last month. We need you 9 times more than last month. We would give anything more 9 of anything with you. We hope you have mastered your crawling and pulling-up in heaven, and are smiling and laughing your way through everyday. With your Daddy's feet and hands, I am sure you have a good strong base for standing and hands for grasping onto everything. With my mouth, I am sure you are smiling and laughing every minute of everyday. Just try not to have too much fun without us, my love. We are doing our best to have fun down here, but that fun has limits without you. I am sure you feel the same way.  9 months. 9 down, 3 to go. Then so many more. Oh boy. Oh my sweet boy.

2) If Enfamil sends me one more age and stage mail flyer, I am going to write a THIRD strongly worded letter to the company telling them to stop it. Also, did you know that Target is having a Big Baby Sale? Let me go grab my car keys.......

3) I am surrounded by pregnant people and babies. I love all of them and I am so very happy for all of them (I AM BEING SERIOUS!)! I love babies and I think pregnancy is one of the most magical and exciting times of life. It is so beautiful and wonderful. The part of it that kills me is that most all of the time, people do not care to hear any advice I have or things I found helpful during pregnancy or even advice on baby gear/stuff. It is like it never existed or that my thoughts are not valid. I am a Mom too, y'all. Just because I am not in the Mom's Club pushing a stroller down the street, talking about various baby topics does not make me any less of a Mom.  I researched every baby item and every minute of pregnancy. I know how to find the best deals. I know how to find cute and cheap maternity clothes. I know how certain things feel during pregnancy. I know what to be concerned about, and what to brush off. I have run that gauntlet once now. I know how many reviews Sophie the Giraffe received on Amazon. I can teach a tutorial on how to properly wear a Moby Wrap. I understand the debate between the Chicco Keyfit and the Graco Snugride. I think there are distinct differences between the Diaper Genie and the Arm and Hammer Munchin Diaper Pail that are worth talking about. I think the Aden and Anais Burp Cloths/Bib combo are the most innovative and effective baby item you could have at your fingertips. I know it is weird hear me talk about these things, but I wish people would understand that I want to talk about these things.  I may not have hands on experience, but I do have a baby who happens to be in heaven who made me a mother. He had a tiny sweet hand in every single decision I made along the way.  I guess, what I am trying to articulate is that, I just wish people felt more comfortable having this type of conversation with me. I already got cut off of 60% of Christmas Card distribution lists, and when I realized this fact, it was like taking a bullet of a different form. Come on people, I am happy for you and your family. Send your cards and let me share motherhood with you. It means more to me when you work with me, as opposed to against me. It is even worse when you try to hide from us. Do not be ashamed of having a beautiful, healthy and wonderful family! Do not feel bad for us because we are struggling right now and that our family is not picture perfect! We love your family as much as I am sure you love our incomplete, but still beautifully imperfect family. Send your cards. Invite me to your baby showers. Celebrate life. Lets talk babies. I am really, really good at babies. Help me feel like I am not drowning anymore by being real with me on this one. Mama Emily has some pearls to offer and I want to hear your pearls too! I am stronger than you think I am.

So some may read #2 and #3 and think they contradict each other. Here is the simple fact. I do not like getting multiple baby e-mails and flyers in the mail everyday. That is a reminder I do not need or have time for. Talking babies with other mothers is different because I can control that. I would rather talk about what I know or what I am curious about, as opposed to having it inflicted on me from a retail establishment targeting me and my baby and reminding me of my baby's specific needs based on age and stage. See the difference? Opening up my mailbox to a personal hell that just keeps on coming, is completely different than having a baby conversation with friends about babies. Many days I wish I had a card from a family, instead of coupons and flyers from Babies R Us, Target and Enfamil (and many, many more).

4) My photos are not really fun these days. I need a muse. My muse is in heaven, and that puts me in a real emotional pickle when I want to be taking exciting, fun photos. There is really only so many photos Russ will let me take of him. Lucy is starting to get annoyed too.

 5)Take a bow time: All "baby weight" is off and then some. Thank you very much. Did that with a ton of sweat, tears, pain and clean diet. I did it myself and for myself. Some mommies get some help from their babies in their arms and diet/exercise. I got help from my heavenly son pushing his Mama and from his Daddy the coach, while working myself into the ground everyday at 6:15 pm.  Healthier. Stronger. Better. My friends at the box call me "CBK" which stands for "Come Back Kid". They are so right. Made a comeback and still making a comeback, and it has never felt better.

Here is Russ, doing a handstand push up. He is good at everything. Me? Not so much.

Custom jump ropes at least make you feel hard core! Jumping rope is not nearly as fun now as it was when you were 6.

Below is a photo collage from when we first started working out in July (9 weeks postpartum and holding a 25 pound bar--photo on left) and photos taken this past week on JND's 9 month old day! ~22 pounds down (since starting CrossFit) and that is 100 pounds going over my head! Strong and so very proud of myself! I suppose I should say, 22 and 100 pounds, and counting :) The night this photo was taken I had just told everyone "I can't do it", and they pushed and pushed me. That very night I turned "I can't" into "look at what I just did!".  I love you JND. I can and will for you, everyday of my life.

The group during (above) and after (below) after we finished a fun Deck of Cards WOD! 

  Here I am getting ready for a tough 6K Trail Run with some new, fun friends!

I will be posting photos of something fun and exciting happening next weekend! Russ is competing in the Garage Games ONE  in Atlanta next weekend. Oh boy. He is doing the team competition on Sunday, in a very tough division. I am proud of him for taking this on, and I know he will do great. In many ways, I look at this as a triumph for our little family. It is strength and HOPE on display. It is a milestone for us, and a moment in time to be proud of. I know that our little Jackson is so proud of his Daddy and is cheering him on from Heaven. With an angel as amazing as him, his team may just take down the competition:) Can you hear the Go Daddy Go? I can.  It is beautiful.

So what else have we been doing?

Here are some fun photos of our past few weeks!

Many, many date nights! Dinner and a movie :) Russ is a sucker for a popcorn upgrade.

Dealing with lots of rain! You would have thought we had lake front property for a few weeks! That is the French Broad River in our back yard!

Enjoying time inside while under Winter weather warnings! Snuggling while watching Homeland and House of Cards (our family friend Michael Kelly is AMAZING in this series on Netflix)!

And also finding laughter and fun with friends....

 How could you not have fun with a "Beardo"!

And the Super Bowl. My thoughts on that....

It is hard to put into words how things feel right now. It is moments of complete darkness and moments of legitimate sunshine. Ebb and Flow, folks. Given that, I suppose you could say that our average is the middle. You know what, that is OK. We can live with that. If the average of all the days between May 7th and February 10th is middle of the road....that gives us a place to climb up from. The middle is still HOPEful and the middle can still be considered positive. To be honest, I think we are on the positive side of the middle. The middle has made us stronger emotionally, spirtually and physically. We are going to need everything the middle has to offer in just a few months.

"Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming".-Finding Nemo

I feel better now, having written something. It may not be my best, but I did it.

We love you Jackson. So very much. This is one of my favorite photos, taken on your 9 month old day! You are loved and missed, my sweet boy.

And Lucy has morning watch from outside your room, every single day.  She gets it. Love is love whether you have two feet or  four legs. She loved mornings with you too. She misses you, so much. I think she counts heads and she just knows someone is missing. She also knows how the middle feels.

9 months. The middle. We are rockin' the middle.

Love you JND!

Have a wonderful week.

Love,

Emily and Russ