Lovin' that quote.
I could find other, more fitting, words for disappointment....but lets "just go with it" for today.
Infinite hope? Oh, that is where it is at :) I like this quote because of the position on hope, clearly.
Life is full of questions these days. Questions in our own home about the state of life, questions from friends and family, questions from the world around us, and so on. These questions are normal and to be expected. It comes with baby land more than baby loss land, actually. We have come to a place where we not only can predict them ahead of time, but we can fully embrace them when they come up. I would have never thought I would be saying that about where we are today with the world's questions. Truthfully, I should have never doubted the littlest angel and his unique ability to deliver strength to us both.
We were told in the hospital that we "need to have a standard response to basic questions around our situation". Fuh-getta-bout-that. We tried. It does not work. In the spirit of being fully present in all aspects of our lives, we opted to not be "canned" or "rehearsed". That is neither one of our styles or personalities. We are who we are, and we say and do what we feel is best at that very moment. Here is the fact of the matter: canned responses make it slightly easier to clear the emotional hurdle. I mean, come on, lets be real here. At the end of the day you are still running a hellacious gauntlet of hurdles and the ability to "clear" the hurdle really has nothing to with the type and tone of your canned response. It has everything to do with the natural feel and warmness of the response. It is OK to have emotion and to show it. It is OK to have a facial expression that may surprise the other party. It is OK to stumble through your words. It is OK to not even have words. It is OK to be yourself. That is what clears hurdles.
Today, I thought I would do something different with my writing and formally answer the most common questions that we get these days. I am doing this for two reasons, 1) so that those that read can have a question answered that they may have wanted to ask and 2) so that we can have this part of our life documented and we can look back days, weeks, months, even years from now and see how we felt answering life's questions at this moment in time.
Sound like a plan? Here we go....
FAQ #1- "Can you clarify exactly what happened to Jackson that caused him to pass away during child birth?"
I cannot stress enough that what happened to us is extremely rare. When something like this happens to 2-4% of total worldwide births, it could not be more rare. We had three healthy components. Healthy, full term baby boy. Healthy placenta. Healthy cord. All three of those were green lights from Day 1 until the end. Nothing showed up in autopsy reports to indicate that anything was wrong with these three components. The problem came when our cord wore away from the placental wall, clotted, eventually broke off. Jackson got unplugged from the power source too early. It happened as quick as an aneurysm. It was like a bullet. He did not suffer, thankfully.
Why did it wear off? That is the part that we do not know exactly. We will never know. The placenta and cord have been shipped all over the country for answers, and there are none. We became a medical case the moment this happened, and the greatest minds in North America have no answers for what exactly went wrong. The fact of the matter is child birth is a traumatic experience. I have had many doctors use the word "traumatic" with me, and it has nothing to do with what happened to us. It is a term used with the territory. Child birth has 1,000 things that have to happen in a very important and critical order. For us, one part got out of sequence and that caused the traumatic part to be switched to tragic.
Where is the hope?
Just like I said, three healthy parts. Healthy baby, healthy placenta, healthy cord. We can make three perfectly healthy parts again, and we will. Lightning will not strike us twice. The next time will be a planned c-section and we will simply "lift and go''. Ding! Baby is done! Lets roll with the c-section! We cannot and will not live in fear. The next baby deserves to know Mama and Daddy are fearless and ready.
I blog for 3 reasons. Russ, Jackson, and myself. I have always loved to write, and I have enjoyed it even more since we lost our boy. It is the emotional catharsis of it all. Writing feels good, when many things don't.
I chose to put my writing online because that is the type of media I prefer for my writing. I can write and include photos, which is a total win-win. Since all of this is online, we can access it all the time (it has been nice to read our posts on demand when we need it most) and we always have a record of our story that is retrievable. We can show friends, family, and our future children for years to come. There are companies out there that will make your blog into a book, and I think that we will do that year after year. That way, we always have the digital and print version of this special blog. This blog was launched in May, so every year in May we will get a book printed :)
I have not regretted putting my writing online for one second. Many may argue that it was a bold move, and very brave. I do agree with those comments, but I can only challenge back by saying that it is the only way I know how to deal with the new life we now live.
This little blog has already shown its power:
1) I have met wonderful, amazing young women who have recently lost their babies, and these women are like a support group on speed dial 24/7. I would have never met or known they were out there if it was not for this blog. Strength in numbers absolutely applies here.
2) This blog has helped raise over $10,000 for the Jackson Neil DeLoach Camper Scholarship fund. I mean, come on, seriously?!? Amazing. You can still donate :) The link to the fund is at the top of the blog!
3) This blog has allowed others to share with me some of their most personal life secrets. That may sound odd to mention, but it speaks to how much we all can influence those around us. Some of the strongest women I have ever known have shared with me the loss(s) in their life because they read our story. Women are strong, fearless and absolutely amazing. I have learned that women keep secrets in boxes locked up tight, and rarely, do these boxes get opened. It is like a vault. Women I have known for years and years have come to me and told me their stories. We have cried (and cried), prayed, hugged, squeezed hands for minutes on end, and even laughed. I am so grateful for all the strong women in my life, and I have found tremendous comfort in all of their stories. Keep on sharing, ladies! Strength in numbers, again. No one is alone.
FAQ #3- "How is the garden?"
Ah, our sweet little garden. It had a rough summer, as it has been unseasonably hot for us in the mountains. To be quite honest, it has been unseasonably weird. If it is not heat, it is a random chilly day. If it is not dry, it is a nasty rainy day. Not to mention, I have seen more hail this spring and summer than I have in my entire lifetime. Needless to say, our garden has taken a beating and had a rough run at it.
But, it is still beautiful and definitely still kickin'.... I love this photo...
Thank you for asking about our precious garden. We love it, and it continues to be a very special part of our home. We are excited to watch it grow and mature, and we are equally as excited to see which way the color swings next Spring. I don't care how much of that liquid-change-the-acidity-of-the-soil business you put down....it comes out whatever color it wants to! So, bring on the blue, pink, and purple noise. Lets just see what goes down next Spring! Two things we know it will be, and that is beautiful and perfect.
FAQ #4- "What is your plan for the nursery?" or "Why do you not go in there?"
We do not go in the nursery simply because we do not want to. We do not go in out of respect for Jackson, ourselves, and the grieving process. We know it is there. We have to walk by it everyday. That is enough for us to live with right now. Our family and friends packed up the nursery and all things baby while we were at the hospital. Everything we lovingly bought or had given to us is in that room in boxes or cloaked underneath old sheets. All we can see is a closed door and closed shutters. I can imagine that the room is cold and dark. Why would it be warm and bright? We have sent friends in there for us when we needed something put away, and almost always, the friend comes out with tears in their eyes and looks like they had just taken a punch to the stomach. Anyone still think it is a good idea to go in there? I did not think so.
Our plan for the nursery is simple. We WILL NOT go in there until we are pregnant again. Or should I say, good and pregnant again. I do not see us barreling in there the moment we find out that we have baby #2 on board. We want to have a party when we open it again. We will invite all of our friends and family over for the "Grand Re-Opening". I can already see it in my mind. You know how when a ship is christened, they crack a bottle of champagne on the bow? That is the kind of image I have of the day we open our precious nursery again. I can see a bunch of people waiting in the hall and having a countdown to re-opening. Almost like New Year's Eve meets maiden voyage of a ship.
I think that every family member and friend that has been with us on this long, hard journey should have the opportunity to pull a sheet off of something or un-pack a box. We will unwrap the nursery with the same amount of love and joy that we had when we built it. The room pulsated love before, and I can only imagine the feeling it will have later on down the road.
Since the nursery was almost perfect when we rushed to the hospital, I think it will take less than 1 hour to have the joint up and running again. It is a perfectly executed gender neutral room, so no matter the sex of #2...the nursery is ready to rock n' roll for that sweet bundle of joy. Jackson left an absolutely amazing room for his little brother or sister.
A photo I found on my phone the other day....This was a closet that we took apart to create a changing area. It was, and still is not fully complete. This was a preliminary photo that I snapped when I was excited to see the bunting go up. Next time you see this area there will be a new name on the bunting, sheer drapes to mask the clothes hung down the sides, an adorable light fixture on the back wall, and a mod podged board with huge (and I mean huge) clothes pins attached to the back wall as well. Oh, how we miss the aqua man and the aqua room.
FAQ #5- "What have you learned the most from your journey so far?"
This is perhaps, my most favorite question. I love getting this one. Why? I have learned many, many things. Here is the Top 10:
1) Everyone has a story. Listen intently when people are talking to you. Let them tell you their story. You never know what you will learn from it.
2) Loss is Loss. There is NO loss that is "lesser" than another. When you lose something you love, it is loss. Miscarriage, fetal loss, infant loss, child loss, teenager loss, adult loss, parent loss, grandparent loss, relative loss, pet loss, relationship loss, friendship loss, job loss, faith loss, and so on. It is all loss. We are all united by some kind of loss. Be kind and sensitive to everyone you meet, because everyone has lost someone or something in their life. You never know how much they are still hurting over that loss.
3) Take time to tell people how much you love and appreciate them.
4) Support others in their time of need. Over 300 cards landed in our mailbox, and every single one of them was a reminder to always take a second to support someone when they need it most. No one is too busy to send a card. That very card may just be what the other person needed.
5) Crying and laughing can happen in the same moment. It is kinda beautiful when it happens. "Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart". Laughing and smiling feels good.
6) Be patient, sensitive and a good example.
7) Positivity and Hope always win AND better is so much better than bitter.
8) Life is precious, and far too short. Be present in life at all times--even if it hurts to do so.
9) No one is alone, and no one should ever feel alone.
10) Jackson Neil DeLoach is the great love of our lives. We will never stop loving and missing him. The world is so much different without him here.
17 weeks on the board, and we already have a Top 10! Lets see what the next 17 weeks have in store! Thanks Jackson for helping us learn, grow and change! All for you, our little angel!
I think that is enough questions for today. Lucy has had enough computer time....
She likes to stick close to my side when I need it most, which is currently directly underneath the computer chair! She knows my emotions, I swear! And...I just told her we are going outside!
Time to go play outside and wait for Russ to get home from practice! And wouldn't you know (no joke), the sun just decided to come out after a long, rainy, gloomy day. We are so outta here!
Happy Labor Day! We are trying our very, very best to enjoy it! Hope you are too!
Love,
Emily, Russ and Lucy
All I can think of right this minute is Love. Even through your grieving there is Love. You share a bond that is unbreakable. Thank you for being so honest, for taking us under your wing and showing us how to grow.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Vicki