A Perfect Day.

"What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." - Helen Keller

On Friday, we went to the Arboretum for the first time since Jackson's Memorial.

We thought it would be a good time to go, as Saturday marked one month since the memorial took place.


Our hearts were in as good of place as we could ask for at this point, and we had experienced a "string of good days".


There was a good weather forecast.

 It was go time.

We had no idea what to expect or even how to feel. We knew it was time, but we also could have easily talked ourselves out of it if we really wanted to or half way tried.

One side of the mental battle sounded like....

"Oh, there is not enough time" 

"Maybe another day" or....

"Not today...."

And.....


"I just cannot do this." 

And the other side of the battle.....

"Oh,  there is plenty of time. Loads of it."


"This a perfect day. Just do it."

"Seriously?! Go. Now."


And...


"You BOTH can do this. Today."


Then came the tug-tug-tug at your heart.


Come see me Mom.


Come see me Dad.


I have a really nice day planned for you. 


Come see me.

It is almost like hearing James Earl Ray's voice from Field of Dreams in your head. When you get that kind of call, you have to 1) go visit your son immediately, with out haste and 2) build a baseball field in your back yard. Period.

So we answered.


And our son delivered.

 All anxiety, skepticism, and doubt that we had going into the Arboretum instantly went away upon arrival. The knot I am used to having in my stomach these days, took a vacation.We just felt good when we got there, and we felt good when we left. Everything in between was exactly what we needed.  It is almost like we found our center again.  We found balance and another dose of peace. If we were hypothetical cars, we got our alignment checked, we are no longer "pulling to the right".

It was exactly what the doctor ordered.

We were exactly where we were supposed to be.

There was life and beauty everywhere.

It was peaceful and calm.

There were places to sit and reflect.

Places for the most perfect quiet time.

There was so much sun.  So much, in fact, that we had to be careful to not get "crispy" out there :)

Our son bringing the noise with the sun.

We basked in it. We loved it. We needed it.

We love him.

 Always. Forever.

Hey there little one!

We walked and walked and walked.


We even got our learnin' on.

Bonsai exhibit anyone?

We could kill a test on bonsai trees. I am not real sure what to do with this knowledge, but maybe one day we will be a on a trivia team and we can be "those players" on the team. When someone asks, "hey, who knows a ridiculous amount about bonsai trees?"....we can proudly display this new knowledge. Personally, I have always wanted to be a clutch player on a team and bonsai tree knowledge may just be my ticket.

Random knowledge, but certainly not useless.

That's how I like to look at it.

After bonsai land, it was time for us to make our decent into the amphitheater.

This could have induced a knot in the stomach, or chest tightening anxiety attack....

But instead, we felt this....

Lots of love.

The photo was intended to be a heart. Russ thinks this looks like two Moray Eels fighting. He also believes himself to be Jack Hanna. More on that later.

 

We chose to walk down into the amphitheater the way we came for the memorial. It felt so much longer than it did that day. It was quiet and no one else was around. It was just us 3. It was peaceful, but kinda eerie at the same time. It was awesome and totally weird. I could still hear the music that the band played as we were walking down in my head. I could see the sea of color from the family and friends in attendance still sitting there in the amphitheater. It felt like a cheering section. A legion of people saying "You can do this! We are here for you!".  It was beautiful. Exactly how we left it. Exactly how I wanted to, and will always remember it.

We just took it all in.

No words.

Just being present. Together.

We sat down in the exact same place. We breathed, remembered, and cried. One month without our angel. One month of sadness and heartbreak. One month of missing him. One month of needing him. One month of trying to make sense of the world without him.

We have been so positive and hopeful. We still are.

It is a part of the healing process to go back to the source of pain, and deal with it. We are healing and we are still grieving. We probably always will be. Grieve and heal. Grieve and heal.

The Arboretum is not a source of pain. It is a wonderful place to help us heal, and a perfect place for us to grieve. A place to let it out and know that our son is with us every step of the way. It is somewhere we can always visit him, and we will. The pain is in the loss, not at the place where we chose to remember his life.

We just miss him. He has our hearts. Completely. He may have tiny baby hands, but he has a kung-foo grip on our hearts.

It really was the most perfect time. A perfect day to remember and honor our son.

After we sat in the amphitheater for a while, the big shade trees were inviting us to come sit for a spell.

So much reflection. So much emotional release. So much healing. It was a natural pain reliever.

We saw some birds and butterflies passing through, and our hearts skipped a beat. Mama loves a good butterfly, you know.

Even though a tiny life was not there physically with us, life was there. We could feel and see it. He sent us the reminders we needed. We are thankful for a little angel who knows how to deliver. These broken down parents needed every minute of it.

We love you to the moon and back Jackson Neil.

After our time in the amphitheater, we decided to continue our walk through the Arboretum. It seemed like a good time to do some exploring, or to "walk it out" as I like to say.

 A picture for you, Abby! Found it all by itself :)

This part of our day is quite funny.

We are just walking and walking. Actually, we were both in unicorn land. You know, that place where you see the coolest things? You believe anything and it is just a happy, happy place.

Conversations like...

"Oh, look a butterfly!" 


"Look at the hummingbird! Do you see it?!"


"Check this out!"

It is a super cool place. I like to hang out there, and often. It has been hard to visit lately, but I welcome it when it shows up. I love me a good unicorn.

 In other words, we were completely oblivious to things around us.

Russ had just made the statement, "I feel like there are snakes here".  He says this as we are practically skipping merrily around the Arboretum.

Not cool Russ. Not cool.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I despise a flippin' snake. Cannot. Stand. Them. I do not even like to be in the same room as a snake. If they come on TV, I change the channel.  The movie Snakes on a Plane, forget about it. Anything that can slither faster than a person can walk, is no friend of mine. As far as I am concerned, they are all poisonous and they are all going to bite me.

I had just gotten done taking a picture and pulled the camera back down to view it....and at the same time 

Russ and I almost stepped on this big fella....

I cleared a 4.4 second 40 yard dash. I ran like it was my job. I did the high knees run too. Completely left Russ, aka Jack Hanna, with the ferocious beast. I know I made up a cuss word, and got the hell outta there.

I hauled it up to this opening where one path meets another and saw a couple of guys coming up from the other direction. I know that I was acting like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy, except shouting "Killer bees! Killer Bees! Save yourself!"....I was winded, hunched over and saying "There is a large snake down there...just right there...save yourself!". I was doing some kind of weird hand movement that was like windshield wiper motion and was panting like a dog on a hot summer day.

The men just kept walking. Unfazed and certainly not coming to the rescue. I think....or I know....they thought I was koo koo crazy.

Unicorn time came to a screeching halt. All because of a snake. Damn snakes ruin everything. Good for nothing.

After I calmed down (slightly), I called down to Russ because my rear end was NOT going back down that path. Apparently since I left the scene, he and the snake had decided to become best friends. Neat. His response?

"Oh, it is just a rat snake. Just a rat snake. Gosh it is the biggest rat snake I have ever seen! It is over 5 feet long! It is not poisonous. Man this thing is huge! It is just sitting here.  Did you see it? We almost stepped right on it!"

Thanks, Jack. Thanks for nothing.

I was fit to be tied. Where there is one, there has to be more. I was just sure we were going to come across a whole tribe of them. If we encountered more...I was ready. Ready to run like hell.

Russ informed me that snakes do not travel in packs. Awesome.

Can't find the snake in the photo above? Good. I was about 900 yards away.



Eventually, Russ was able to coax me into coming back down the path. How? I have no idea. I high stepped it back down the path, and we got back to walking. The hair on my neck was still at full attention and I had the willies for the next hour. Despise a snake, love a good unicorn. I am real, real sad these two things had to meet up on the same day.

We joke about the snake, and it actually felt good to laugh over something like that. I know I was ridiculous. I know I caused a scene. I know it was a funny thing that went down. At the end of it all, it felt good for us to laugh and mean it. Life moving forward? We think so.

We stopped along the way to talk, breathe, laugh and even wipe tears off our cheeks.

Love a good lilly pond. We sent wishes for all three of us. Wishes for hope and healing. We gave thanks for some good days too.

We stopped by the learning center and greenhouse.

Got some more learning in for the day.

Almost as cool of knowledge as bonsai trees. Almost.

We asked for directions to an exhibit called "The Quilt Garden". My mom had asked us to find it, and let her know what we saw.

It was really, really cool. It was beautiful. It was something special.

See for yourself.

Name that pattern quilters!

If I know my patterns like I think I do, this little gem is a Log Cabin.

Boo ya.

This particular part of the Arboretum is a special one. Quilts are a big part of our lives, and are a source of comfort for us. We appreciate them and love them. My mother has seen the power of quilting and its positive effect on people's lives. Quilting brings people together. Quilting and quilts alone heal people. We usually are never without a quilt. There are quilts in every room. We take them on all trips, big or small. They even go to the hospital with us.

Jackson has a quilt that my mom made months before he came. I received it at his first shower at the beginning of March. We lovingly built a nursery around this quilt. My mom designed this pattern for her book. It is called "Sunnyside". It is ironic that this quilt has only beautiful suns all over it. Even more reason for us to feel how we feel when we get a moment outside and the sun hits us just right. 

It was, and will always be my favorite pattern she has ever designed. It will always be my favorite quilt she has ever made.


An aqua quilt for the aqua man (the nursery is aqua, white and tan), and suns because our boy is the sun. He would have loved this quilt. I take that back. I know he loves this quilt.


We will put a label on the inside of this quilt for our next child, as this quilt will be a gift from big brother Jackson.

 

It currently waits in the nursery for a brighter days. This quilt will get the love it deserves. It will see happiness again. It will get dragged around the house, cuddled with, loved on, used to make a great fort or a cape, danced on, snuggled with during a sick day, taken on every trip and wrapped up under during movie nights. This is how I remember quilts growing up, so that is the life this little quilt will know.


And my mom will be there to patch up the quilt, so it can have a long healthy quilt life....and she probably will crank out a few more quilts along the way :) Just sayin'.

Back to the scenery.

Quilts. Good stuff right there.

This guy now loves a good quilt. Officially converted over. Just how we like it :)

After The Quilt Garden, we had seen just about all of the Arboretum. We did a little more walking and talking, and made our way towards the car. We saw a sweet older couple taking their picture underneath an arbor, and that just made our hearts smile. Sweet and perfect. You wonder if that is what you will be doing in 50 years.

Absolutely.

Ah, a good gate. Can I get an Amen that this will be a cute photo op with a little muse one day? 

The Arboretum really was a perfect day. We are so glad we went, and we know we can go anytime we want. Our son is with us all the time, but there is a different type of feeling we get from him when we are there. It is just like going to church.


Thank you sweet angel Jackson for a great day. We love you and miss you, all day everyday. Thank you for helping your mom and dad's heart heal just a little bit.

Time for some Footprints and Hope stories.

My favorite time. These stories make us so happy. I just had no idea how many people really really loved our son. A child beloved by so many. It is mind blowing. Every story glues our heart back together one tiny piece at a time.

Keep on loving him. He is amazing, and so very loveable. We are happy to share our angel with everyone.

Butterfly sightings.

I have the opportunity to work with a band of total rock stars. They are wonderful people, and I am very grateful to get to work with all of them. They have all be unbelievably supportive during this time, and I know they are going to be fabulous in helping me transition back to work in a few weeks.

Just a few days ago, one of them who attended the memorial shared with me a butterfly sighting. During the memorial when the sun came out for just a few minutes, she saw a butterfly! It went up, down, back up and eventually flew away were she could not see it anymore. About the time it took off, the sun was making an exit too. She shared this with me after she read the post about his garden. She saw how connected I was to the iron butterflies, and thought that I definitely needed to hear about what she saw!

Another counterpart shared with me that she saw a butterfly the day after Jackson passed away. She was sitting at a stop light, and a butterfly just zipped right across her front window. She immediately thought about Jackson. That was a tough day for everyone, and that little butterfly helped her feel a little better on a sad day. She felt his presence.

Thanks for sharing your stories sweet friends! We hope you see many more butterflies!

Tomorrow we are attending Love Not Forgotten support group meeting. We are ready and it is time. We know it will not be easy, but we are looking forward to meeting other couples in the area that are in the same boat as us. Strength is numbers. Healing in numbers.

Time to share some hope and hopefully get some hope in return.

Thank you for reading and coming with us on our journey. Much more to share this week.

"How very softly you tiptoed into my world. Almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footsteps have left on my heart."- Anonymous

We miss you angel.

Love,
Emily and Russ

Jackson's Garden

"Gardening is a way of showing that you believe in tomorrow." - Anonymous 

Our garden. Our angel. Our hope for tomorrow.

The garden started out as something "hypothetical", and just another thing on the long list of "to-do's" around the house. Actually, the whole concept of total lawn beautification fell fairly far down the list...especially when you add that to multiple other zones to work on inside our home plus a little one who would require all of our time and energy. We more or less just talked about the garden. We talked a real big game too. I think talking about it made us feel like it was actually done, and I do believe we felt real proud of ourselves just because we talked about it. We even consulted many professionals at the nursery about it, but still no action. We had perfect spots in our yard, but no execution.

Now?


Execution problem?


Not anymore.


Houston, we have a garden. Not just one, but two. Boo ya, Baby.


Two gardens there may be, but there is ONLY ONE....


Jackson's Garden!

It is located along on the left side of our home, in a place that gets some kickin' morning sun and some fabulous afternoon shade. It is a place that is sweet, peaceful, and perfect.(say that line in your best "lets get ready to rumble" announcer voice.  It is kinda fun, and pointless.)

Absolutely perfect. Just like our angel.

This garden should bloom blue and pink :) A hope garden? You bet. Blue leads the way with color because it is, and will always be, his garden.

(We have one rogue hydrangea that is currently enjoying being more of a purplish-pinkish hue at the moment. Neat. I guess I need to go out there and have a frank conversation with it to make sure everyone is clear that the entire feng shui of the garden is really thrown off by that color performance.)

There are so many things that make this garden special.

1)Three of the five hydrangeas planted were given to us as a special way for us to always remember Jackson. They are absolutely beautiful. We are also huge hydrangea fans. If we could start a fan club or support group for folks that love hydrangeas, we would. We would like to thank my work family, Russ' work family, and my OB-GYN office family for each of them. The other two hydrangeas Russ and I bought. We chose to put in two more to round out the hydrangea party with a symbolic plant from Jackson's Mom and Dad. One from each of us. All of the hydrangeas should bloom blue for our Jackson. 

It is amazing that so many people we love helped to get this garden started. That means the world to us. We look at the garden and think of him, but also every person that put their hope, faith and love into it as well. This garden will be so prosperous because a ton of love went into it from a very large network of people we like to call family. We are incredibly thankful for all of you.

2) We wanted to put in another flowering plant to balance out the hydrangeas, and to add in another different looking plant. Some more dimension. Some more depth. 



You know, because we know what we are talking about here. 

It makes me giggle because we really possess enough "gardening knowledge" to fill a darn thimble.


Off to the nursery we went.

Turns out Russ was SURE of what he wanted.

The man wanted Rhododendrons, and he wanted a specific type because they will bloom a beautiful pink color in early Spring.


And doesn't that just make a girls heart melt knowing the man wanted to throw see some pink blooms in the blue garden :)


Hope shines through. Even in little moments in the middle of a busy nursery. Another reminder from the littlest angel that we are going to be alright...one day at-a-time. 

See you next Spring little pink Rhodos!

3) Butterflies.


While at the nursery, I discovered these large rustic iron butterflies. They just caught my eye, and I knew that we had to have these in our garden. It was something about them. It is hard to put into words. I just could sense (and feel myself bubbling up with emotion) that I would have welled up and cried if we did not walk out with them. Obviously if that had happened, that would have drawn attention to us in a negative way...and people at the nursery would have absolutely assumed that a grown woman was having a 4-alarm meltdown over a piece of hammered metal.  Not a good scene.


I believe the butterflies reminded me of this place that we now call home, as they seemed "very Asheville" to me. I believe the butterflies took me to a place in my mind that made me think of the sweet, delicate innocence of a child. I believe that I had a quick moment of thinking that a beautiful butterfly comes from fuzzy caterpillar. They emerge from their cocoon with a stunning display of color, design, and uniqueness. No two butterflies are the same. Just like us. Except they can fly :) Maybe it is because Jackson went from being our little bug to our little angel, that these thoughts around metamorphosis just make sense. We are sure that Jackson has the most amazing, beautiful, and unique set of wings out there. Fly, baby, fly.

Two iron butterflies came home with us that day. One for each garden. 

4) It is outside.

A great deal of therapy has come to Russ and me in the form of just simply being outside. Usually, you can find one or both of us outside.

We thoroughly believe that the therapy we receive from being outside is because of the presence that our son had at the memorial celebration. Since it was held outside, and our son decided to rock the house during the memorial...needless to say, we can feel him all around when we are outdoors.


Now, does every little piece of grass, every little leaf on a tree or every little flower remind us of him? No.

It is the little moments that we love, and those little moments are the ones that take our breath away. They come when we are least expecting them. We remember them and we live for them. However, it sure is hard not to look for him. As his parents, we want to look for him in everything because we miss him. Terribly. You want everything to BE HIM because your grasping on to his memory and will give ANYTHING to have just one more moment of the tiniest measure with him. It is hard not to search for someone you love so much.


Where do we find him?

Most of the time, for both of us, it is the warmth and beauty of the sun. We love the warmth and the feeling that you get when you first feel the sun hitting your skin at the beginning of a new day. It is a simple reminder to just breathe, pick your head up, and try to give that day your very best shot. On the other end of the spectrum, we love watching a beautiful sunset off of the western mountains while sitting on our back patio.  The day is not done without an amazing parade of color, light and a party of clouds. A grande finale. A lovely reminder that another day is done. Another day that we made it through this together. 

 We see you sweet boy!

5) Numbers.


It just occurred to me today that the garden has another interesting component. This one just smacked me in the face.


There are a total of five hydrangeas. 


Our son was born in May, the fifth month.


When you add in the two rhododendrons, you get seven total plants in the garden.


Our son was born on the 7th day of May. 

How cool is that?! 5-7-2012.

It truly is Jackson's Garden :) 

Gardens are exciting in their own way. I think it is because you are planting something beautiful, and you are planting it with the hope of giving it life. You eagerly put it in the ground with the hopes and dreams of what it will look like year after year. You look forward to the beauty. You look forward to life. You can clearly see it in your mind. 

Kinda like life, eh?


What will ours look like?

I do not know.

We do not know. Lord knows we are not in charge here.

All we know is that it will be beautiful, and it will be how it is supposed to be. We do know that we look forward to it. We dream about it. We can plant seeds of hope today. Well...lets just consider those seeds done planted :) These seeds will grow because we believe in them. We believe in tomorrow.

Over the past couple of weeks, we have heard some amazing stories of how Jackson's footprints and story have positively impacted people's lives. We are blown away by these stories, and we hope they continue to come our way. We know that we are getting stronger everyday because our son has changed someone's life. He certainly has changed ours. What more could a parent ask for? How much more proud could a parent be? He is an angel that we are happy to share with the world. He is very good at what he does :)


In an effort to document these stories because we never want to forget them, I am going to write one of them per post. We are excited, honored, and humbled to share these stories.

The first story we would like to share is the first one ever heard. 


The day after Jackson's memorial, Russ received a text message from a dear friend at his work. This particular friend is expecting a sweet baby girl in August :) She attended the memorial and saved her copy of the program. She was so impacted by Jackson's story, that she went home that day and put the copy of his footprints...

In her baby girl's nursery.


She wants her little girl to know that she has a very special guardian angel watching over her everyday and always. That sweet baby girl will know Jackson. 


Do your thing big guy :)


Our hearts are filled with joy. We are very proud.


Thank you for sharing your story with us, and thank you for loving our son so much. We cannot wait to meet that sweet baby girl in August!!

 

Our next post will be about our first trip back to the Arboretum and another Footprints and Hope story :)

Thank you for reading, and thank you for supporting us! We continue to be amazed by everyone! You ALL are helping to put us both back together again.

Go plant something. Believe in tomorrow.


Love,


Emily and Russ