-Rose Kennedy
I concur.
Sometimes I think my whole body is covered in scar tissue. Some of that tissue is thick and tough as nails, and some of it is as thin as thin gets.
The pain is never gone. It never will be gone. This, we have always known. Just when I feel like I have my arms around it, the pain cuts right through all that progress.
I could equate it to my flowers outside that keep getting pelted with rain, hail, wind, all-around weird weather and even the occasional rocking chair. They grow and grow, and then with one bad storm....they have to find a way to make it work all over again. Except they never looked the same as before. It is a never-ending cycle. Growth. Another storm. Rain. Growth. Then a nasty windy day that turns things up again. I completely understand how this feels.
Pain and flowers. Somewhere in my brain this makes sense.
The pain from Jackson will lesson, eventually. I just think that our scar tissue is a little thin right now. And that is OK. It is supposed to be thin. Our son is almost ONE.
ONE.
I cannot believe it. THIS I cannot wrap my arms around. How? Why? Do we have to? Seriously? ONE. My God. How?
We are both just sad right now. It is hard to find the strength to celebrate his day when you are heartbroken. All I can think about is....this time last year. I think about my final few weeks of pregnancy often. I think about how wonderful those last few weeks were with Jackson and how excited we were. I think about how much I enjoyed being pregnant. I think about how carefully I was preparing his room, and how I felt like it would never be ready. I think about how excited everyone was for his arrival. I think about Russ looked at US, and how he was so ready to be a Daddy. I think about selecting his "going home outfit", and how this was a big decision for me. I think about how I slipped the bonnet that the outfit came with into the hospital bag because I wanted him to come home in a traditional outfit and I knew that his Daddy would be less than amused with his son coming home in bonnet. I think about how we debated about the outfit because everyone thought Jackson was going to be HUGE and surely a newborn outfit would not fit him! Turns out he was not big. What they thought was weight, was actually length. He was long and skinny, and that outfit would have fit him perfectly. My little 6 pound frog was built just like his Daddy. I think about the child birthing class we attended, and how I watched Russ lovingly burp and swaddle a cabbage patch doll with perfection, all the while talking softy to the doll and calling it Jackson Neil. I think about how swollen and large my feet were at the end of a day, and how I wondered if they would ever return to normal because if they did not...I was going to have to have a massive shoe sale. I think about how I could look in my rear view mirror and see the new baby set up behind me, and how this made my heart skip a beat. I think about how much we loved to see him on the ultrasound monitor, and how adorable he was with his tongue constantly sticking out. We wondered why he did that, and we also laughed about how large his feet were on the monitor :) Oh, those feet those feet those feet!
Most of all, I think about my mornings with him. That was our time. I miss my mornings with him and I would give ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING to have just ONE more morning with him. We played in his room every morning before I left for work, and it was the most wonderful part of the day. I am glad I have these memories of him, and I am glad he made sure that I remember them. I will always remember these moments not because they were my final moments with him, but because they are the sweetest and best moments. We were happy. We were complete. We were together. Me and my son. My son who is soon to be ONE.
This time of year is just tough. It is tough for our whole entire family. We are all hurting. We all miss that baby boy more than we can ever say. We are all sad and everyone's scar tissue is thin.
Spring brings so much life and color into the world, and in many ways....we feel like we are living in a black and white colorless world. Things feel quieter. Things feel duller. Things feel uncertain. Things either feel emotionless or shot full of it....no in between. No middle. Everyone around us seems to be moving on and happy, and that is great.....but we are still standing here. It is like we are at a train station ready to board and something keeps stopping us from getting on the train with our bags in hand. Train after train comes through and here we stand. They do a final call for boarding, and we chose to stay behind on the platform. Maybe the month of May train has to arrive, and then we can get on and feel good about it. I don't know. I am not sure what we are waiting on or why it feels this way. I wish it were different. I wish we could take that BIG step forward.
I have taken time to go back and read so many posts from the past few months. I can see progress. I can. It is small. It is little tiny steps. We still have not taken the BIG step. I can clearly see that in my writing.
What is the BIG step?
I don't know.
I know it is not another child. I know it is not.
If I had to take a stab at it, I would say that we have got to figure out where we are with Jackson and everything that happened to us that day and everyday since. We have to find that place where we are comfortable with where he is, and how we can love him completely but still move forward with life. THAT is the hardest part. Hope, Faith and Love are in the bags we carry, we just have to figure out what train we will board and we have to be ready to take the BIG step FORWARD.
Today, is not a move forward day. Tomorrow is not a move forward day.
May 7th is not a move forward day.
Jackson has gotten every moment of everyday before he ever arrived and he will continue to get that from us. This is his year. He will get all 365 days of it (and then some and then some more), and then we will figure out when and if we are ready to move forward. We will wait and make sure we are fully ready in every way before we take that big step onto the train. When we transform from standing on a platform to sitting on a train whose destination could be Anywhere-But-Here, everyone will know it because they can feel it from us through our words and our actions. Most of all, we will know it, because we will be happy and at peace with it. When we sit on that train and look at each other, we will breathe, exhale, close our eyes, open our hearts....and get carried away.
All of this takes TIME.
Our son needs time.
Our wounds need time.
Our flowers outside need time.
Everything right now needs time.
Growth and healing happens in time.
Time will not heal everything, but in time we will find healing and HOPEfully the pain will lessen. Then we can find a way to move forward with the pain and know that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be, even if it is not how we imagined it or wanted it. A life free of questioning what happened. A life free of anger about it all. A life free of this darkness. A life full of acceptance and peace. A life fill of understanding. A life full of "I cry a little bit once a day for my angel son and I am good with it". A life full of trust and faith in God. A life full of color. A life full of LOVE. A life full of goodness. A life full of laughter. A life full of smiles. A life full of sunshine. A life full of fun. A life full of living. A life full of life. A life full of HOPE.
A life for Jackson and with Jackson.
That is where we need to be. THIS just takes time.
I want to live this quote one day.
"Tell me, what do you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? - Mary Oliver
When I have THAT figured out, I will be on the train with both of my boys, RND and JND ready to rock this one wild and precious life.
That will be the day.
Hey, at least I am not looking for a certain train. That is progress folks.
I have one picture to share with this post. I took it this week, as I was pulling out of the driveway in the evening. Someone is almost ONE, and more beautiful and amazing than ever. Such a mature sunset :) After all, he has had nearly ONE year of practice! We love him and miss him so very much. There is HOPE that we can find a life full of peace when we experience a breath taking moment like this one. We see you sweet boy! .JPG)
We love you Jackson Neil..JPG)
All the time, and for the rest of time.
Love,
Mom and Dad
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