A Digital Wave of Light and Love

“There is no footprint too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.”

October 15, 2012 was a day for the record books, that is for sure!

The amount of love and support that exploded out of yesterday was one of the most amazing and humbling experiences we have ever witnessed. When we made the request to light a candle at 7 PM in your respective time zone, we really planned on maybe a few responses. 

Well folks, over 100 pictures landed in our laps last night. They kept streaming in all day today. We have never seen anything like it. Most all of the photos came with a story, note, or a prayer. We loved reading and learning about all of the angel babies in Heaven. When we pray from here on out, we can pray more intentionally for all of the precious babies who left us too soon. They are loved. Always and Forever.

We will see them again.

The love that poured out of yesterday was something I just cannot ever find and probably will never find, the right words to explain.  Since I am sure to fall short on words, I am going to transition right over to the amazing and beautiful "digital tidal wave of light". This video is one of my most favorite creations, and I think it fully captures the hope, faith and love that pulsated around the world yesterday. We cherish this video, and will watch it often. It is beautiful and perfect.

Thank you to every single person who lit a candle yesterday.

Thank you for your love.

Thank you for taking time to recognize, support, and honor Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  The act of lighting candles is just one small way we all can give this month the respect it deserves and also help grieving families wrap themselves in sweet baby angel love. I know for a fact that this video will help many Mommies and Daddies out there who are hurting over the loss of their angel. This video has already helped us more than you know.

Always remember,

Pass It On. (You all so did that, keep going!)

Be a candle AND a mirror. Spread your light.

Without any further adieu, here is the Digital Wave of Light :)




WARNING: Find a tissue. Please turn up your volume :) Just a fair warning!

We love and miss you Jackson Neil DeLoach. All for you sweet boy, all for you. Fly baby, fly.

Many Thanks and Love,

Russ and Emily 







  

October Is.....

"There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " -Edith Wharton

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

In the spirit of being open, honest, and vocal....I feel so very compelled and moved to write about this very special month. I ask for you to read this post, and honor the request I am going to make at the end of my sermon. If HALF of the fantastic readers of this little blog complete the request, we will have an amazing and beautiful output and tribute to share with the world. Together we can change the world. Together we are strong.

Here is a little bit of the history behind it all:

In 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month throughout the United States noting that, “National Observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems….”

He went on to say....

"When a child loses a parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses his or her partner, they are called a widow or a widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them.  This month recognizes the loss experienced by so many parents in the United States and around the world.  It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirth, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes."

Ronald Reagan, YOU are a rock star.

However, I respectfully challenge the following statement (with all do respect Mr. President): "When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them". The truth is that there are actually wonderful words to describe them. MOM AND DAD.  They are parents to an angel, and just because their child is not here, does not mean they do not deserve and need to be called by those very special titles.

This month happens for a reason. It is a silent month, that often goes unnoticed. I have learned that pregnancy and infant loss is often something that women (and men too) rarely, if ever, talk about. It is a loss on a different level, and it happens to more Mama's and Daddy's than you can imagine. We must recognize, respect and honor this month.

It happened to us. It is a part of our life. It always will be.

Here is the ribbon used to symbolize Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I love this ribbon. I love how it is blue and pink :) I think my favorite part is the motto, "We Remember". How completely and totally appropriate.

We remember.

We remember every day.

We remember for the rest of our lives.

Here is my request.

October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

The Low Down.....

"The resolution to declare October 15 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day passed the United States House of Representatives on September 28, 2006. In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, it is suggested by many bereavement groups that grieving parents light a candle at 7 p.m. in their respective time zones to create a wave of light around the world in memory of babies lost to pregnancy and infant loss."

What do we want?

We want you to light a candle at 7 pm next Monday, October 15.  We want you to light a candle and take a picture of it. We want you to send your photo to us.

Help us heal, love and grow by lighting a candle.

If you are reading this, I am sure you can think of a number of Mama's and Daddy's out there who have lost the love of their life. I ask you to think about each and every one of them as you light a candle in their honor. If you are a Mama or a Daddy who has an angel or angels in heaven, light that candle and light it real good.

It takes just a second to light a candle.

If you can't light a candle, I think there is even an app where you can have lit candle take over your screen on your phone. Just screen shot that....and voila! Done.

Spread the light by lighting a candle.

Spread the light by sharing this blog or just tell someone about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Ask them to light a candle.

Be a candle AND a mirror.

 They call this candle lighting ceremony a "candle tidal wave". I like to believe that it will be a "candle tsunami". WE raised $10,000 for the JND Camper Scholarship Fund, now why would this be any different?! We can do this.

Here is my e-mail for all those photos! Bring it.

emily.deloach@hotmail.com

I want to put all the photos into a blog and slideshow, and that way we all can see the "digital tidal wave" later on in the month. If this works out like I think it will, it should be quite breathtaking and a beautiful tribute to all the angel babies and their loving parents. If it does not go like I hope, then well....this time next week....you could be staring at a blog post with a single candle lit. Just sayin'. Lets all join together and do this.

**If you would like for me to mention anything with the photo, please note that in your e-mail. If you want complete privacy, that is what you will get unless you specify otherwise.**

Remember:

Be a candle.

Be a mirror. Pass It On. Spread your light.

Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. Your love and support means the world to us!


We Remember.

We Love.

Always and Forever.

Love to all you love in the world,

Emily and Russ

21 Weeks and Triggers

"Everyone needs reminders that the fact of their being on this earth is important and that each life changes everything."-Marge Kennedy

That quote makes me happy in a week fully loaded with triggers. Oh, how one little life has changed everything.

Our  angel son is 21 weeks old.

In some respects, I think the time has gone remarkably fast. In other respects, I cannot describe the pain of the slow moving calendar. It is one of those kind of things where you are like, "Heck yeah, we made it!" while simultaneously saying, "I am exhausted, need rest, and cannot take another minute of this". Ebb and Flow, I suppose.

Sounds schizophrenic, huh? Whatever. It is, what it is.

It is the damn triggers that kill us these days. I attribute it to the fact that the "numbness" has left the building, and we are left with a wound that will not never heal. I get it that this "comes with the territory, and it is part of the journey"....but gosh darn it.....it hurts. And it sucks. And every other choice word you can think of.

Triggers.

1) Skittles. Anyone who was around me during my pregnancy with Jackson knows that I was in love with all things sweet. It was the only craving I really had, and sweets just tasted so good to me.  I remember eating an enormous piece of cake at a friends bridal luncheon in around 1 minute flat, and the rest of the ladies had hardly taken their second bite. Thank heaven my love for strawberry frosted pop tarts quickly faded. I hesitate even mentioning that those were a part of my life during those early weeks of pregnancy.  I housed sweets when they were around, but Skittles really got out of control in my pregnancy. Reece's Pieces are to E.T as Skittles are to a pregnant Emily DeLoach.  

As I was walking out the door for the big Gestational Diabetes Test, Russ said,  "It will be a miracle if you pass that. The amount of Skittles I picked out of your car yesterday was offensive!". Thankfully, I passed my test. I was a temple for Jackson my entire pregnancy, but not when Skittles were anywhere within a 5 mile radius.  

Now, they make me sad and I could really care less about "tasting the rainbow". I take candy around to offices daily, and the fact that Skittles have been riding shotgun lately, kills me.

2)  Baby Mail. I never realized how many distribution lists I was on and how many companies have our baby information. I think a part of "nesting" includes a very pregnant lady subscribing to anything and everything. Lord knows I did. I also proudly told these sites I was having a baby boy. So, much of the mail is directly targeted at the Mama of a baby boy. Ugh.

Almost daily I open the mailbox to find some kind of baby mail. Magazines, coupons, and flyers. Thankfully, the medical bills have stopped. There is just nothing like paying bills and handling reports for a baby who is not in your arms, scar you wish you did not have, and anesthesiology you wish could have been stronger or wish you were still on to numb the pain of it all. I have found that e-mail has been the easiest to unsubscribe from, but somehow or another, those sneaky companies just will not take no for an answer. I am a communicator by nature, but I really wish the world would stop trying to communicate with us over our angel baby.  We are over it. After a long day, the last thing you need is a reminder that Babies R Us is having a fire sale on diapers, Enfamil has a recommendation for formula based on your babies age and stage, Zulilly has the perfect romper on sale, and Target would like to offer you 10% off your next purchase of select teething items. Of the four pieces of mail that arrived today, two of them were baby related.

Oh, and Pottery Barn Kids keeps sending me their Halloween issue. Someone shoot me.

3) This time last year. 

This time last year we just found out that we were pregnant. I think Forrest Gump sums up thoughts around that just right--"And that's 'bout all I have to say about that".

4) Monday's. 

My worst day of the week, without question. I always look at the clock on Monday's. I can tell you exactly what I was doing, at that very moment how ever many weeks ago. Here is how the 21 weeks old Monday went:

7:15 AM- Just got an epidural
9:42 AM- Pushing
11:22 AM- Still pushing
12:13 PM- Just received the worst news of our lives while still strapped down to a surgical table
2:34 PM- Holding JND, the love of our life.
4:07 PM- Still holding and loving him

And this goes on and on and on. Welcome to my Monday's. One day, I know I will stop doing this. As much as work keeps me busy and on task, I cannot help but to look at the clock throughout the day and remember. It is painful, but is reality. I have been told by many, many people who have suffered a loss like ours that, "you will always mark time, but one day you will find that it is not as bad as it is now" or "one day, the marking of time will not be as painful". I do look forward to that day, but I know that JND will always have a hold on Monday's and the 7th of every month in his own unique way. Those days are his thing, and that is a painfully beautiful thing. Once his mother, always his mother.

5) I know I mentioned this before, but the holidays will always full of triggers. We have a gauntlet of holidays coming up, and we will live and love through all if them. We will keep our heads held high and try our best to enjoy ourselves. Over the past 5 months, we have found that the things we dread the most, actually end up not being so bad. We are hopeful that the holidays turn out just like that. I am rooting for my holiday lovin' junkie self  to come out and play this year, because I am sure that Jackson would want us to enjoy ourselves and all of the love that we are surrounded by. We will find ways to count our blessings, but we will take time to recognize the areas where life fell far too short. We will love and give thanks for a life that was far too short. As a little ones ring our doorbell for candy,  as turkey hits the table, as a sparkly ornament goes on a tree, or a Happy New Year gets exclaimed--we will find a way to pull it together to breathe and remember that somewhere in the festivity and merriment that is the holiday season, is our son who wants his parents to be happy.

In November, we will celebrate our 4 year anniversary, while taking the 6 month bullet. So many wonderful and amazing years together, and 6 months without our perfectly perfect sweet Jackson. Both of these holidays are important milestones, and both look so different than how we planned. We will look for and embrace HOPE, and LOVE each other fiercely during this tough month.

There are many, many more triggers. These are just the top of the list, and the ones that stick out the most. Triggers are not an entirely bad thing, and they do serve a purpose (for the most part). It is just hard to understand that when you are living through them. We are just trying to make sense of the world A.J. (After Jackson).

I will leave on a positive list of triggers:
-Sunrises and Sunsets
-Butterflies
-Sunshine warmth or a big breeze gust
-The color aqua (or should I say, Forget Me Not!)
-Jackson's Camper Scholarship Fund ($10,000 and climbing! You can still donate!)
-Stories of how others lives have been impacted by Jackson or Our Story
-Quotes and verses
-THE GREATEST ONE OF ALL--His Footprints! Oh, the love we have for those little feet! A permanent stamp on our hearts, lives and the world.


I would like to note that there are technically more positive triggers than negative (almost double), and that is a beautiful thing. That just sent a message to me, as I am writing this entry that we are seriously making some progress! We can do this. Life is Crap vs. Life is Good. The good seems to be outweighing the bad, and I think that speaks volumes as to how we are doing! Who knew. This is why I write. I realize something every time I sit down and hammer out a subject. Growth. Learning. Understanding. Stopping to think. Breathing. Being vulnerable. Emotional catharsis. Love.

I think the "pause" I take to write, really helps and forces me to learn something I would not have recognized.

Hope and Positivity always win. I think I knew that from Day 1.

We can do this. ( I am smiling right now).

Love,

Emily and Russ