Forget Me Not

“Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them. And sometimes, it's those memories that give us the faith to go on.”

A short, sweet post.

I stumbled across the paint swatch that we used for Jackson's Nursery tonight. When I found it, it was like being re-united with an old friend. I have spent enough time with the color aqua to tell you if it leans more toward teal or more toward turquoise. I can tell you if it has more green in it, than blue. I can tell you all about the color, but what slipped my mind is the actual name of the color we used. Well, tonight I was reminded. 

Turns out, the actual name of our color now has a very special meaning. 

Forget Me Not.

Forget Me Not.

Forget Me Not.

UNBELIEVABLE! Are you teared up? I am. Good Lord is that weirdly beautiful. Life is something else. Maybe my mind put the name of the paint in a place where I could not find it until I was ready. I mean, good and ready. I know I was meant to find it tonight.  When I found it, my heart did not shatter into a thousand pieces. I was able to smile, and remember. I could sit and think about all the time we spent picking this very color. Now that I am looking at this paint color and its very special name, I am real glad we did not go with Jamaican Aqua. I remembered when I came home to find that Russ had painted the entire nursery. I remembered how we used to describe the color as "baby aqua". I remembered all of it. I found the sweet, sweet memories that I had shoved into a mental box and tried to forget. I am so happy that I found these memories.

The paint swatch is a message and a reminder. A beautiful reminder that we chose that color for the best reason and for the best baby, and an everlasting message to.....forget me not.

Forget Me Not. You got it sweet angel!

We love you!

Love,

Emily and Russ 




 

Memory Jar

"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure."-Unknown

The treasured memory of Jackson Neil DeLoach.  What a perfect treasure he was, and what innocent, sweet memories we have of him.

Since we do not have too many memories of him during his time here on Earth, we have begun to treasure and document the moments when we can feel him around us. These types of memories are actually filling up the memory jar at a very rapid pace these days. This phenomenon is a true blessing, and we are on our knees daily thanking heaven for these moments. 

We were given an actual memory jar at one of our first showers for Jackson. The jar came with note cards for us to write down memories and throw them in the jar. Some of the note cards even had prompters on them like "first tooth", "first hair cut", "first solid food", "first word", ect. The point of the jar is for a busy Mama and Daddy to be able to quickly document an exciting milestone.  A "drive-by" type moment, if you will.  Document, drop and go. Repeat. Then later, go back and put them all in a baby book when you have a wee bit more "free time" OR you have had enough sleep under your belt to ensure that your penmanship does not look like a Kindergarteners. Hey, the first year of life baby book is the holy grail of parental accomplishments in a life-changing and whirlwind of a year.  No one wants to look down and see a crooked R, a wonky S, a really bad B that could have been a D, and lord knows no one wants to see the added hook on an N when it should have been a well executed M. So, memory jars are a brilliant idea for capturing your memories on the go, and then experiencing the nostalgia of remembering and relieving those sweet memories much later down the road. 

Jackson's actual memory jar is packed away. That very memory jar will be used much later for #2. For right now, we are going to try to write down, photograph (if possible), and share on our blog the memories that we are experiencing because we treasure them so much.

Here is the current parade of memories......

Exhibit A:

Boom. How about that? I mean, seriously?! This photo does it no justice, but you can at least get the picture. A perfect opening shining down right in our back yard. I was not the only one outside taking a picture. This one totally attracted lots of attention from our neighbors. I like to believe that Jackson would have been quite the attention getter if he were here with us, so naturally, this type of sunset is his only way of showing off these days. We will take it!  Another deposit in the memory jar. Cha-ching. Do ya thang, JND. You do it so very well.

 Exhibit B:

Russ called me outside quickly. He wanted me to see the sunset on Saturday night. And here you have it....

 Cha-ching again. Both my boys in a photo. One happy Mama.

Other memory jar deposits:

Russ had a big football game a few weeks ago against a tough in-town rival. There were some nail biter moments and some really great plays. During one particular critical play Russ said to himself, "Jackson, are we gonna score on this drive?". JND delivered , and fast. The very next play they scored a touch down. They also won the game :) That story made me cry.

I was chatting with a couple of ladies in an office a few weeks ago, and we were literally talking about the weather. I know, talking about the weather...so cliche. We really were talking big weather. You would have thought that we were all meteorologists. We talked about how unseasonably warm and humid it has been for the mountains this summer. We threw around warm and cool front like it was our job. In the middle of auditions to be the next Chief Meteorologist, one lady chimed in and said, "Hey, has anyone noticed the volume of butterflies that are around this year? It seems so late to have butterflies in such abundance!".  Well sister, I could not agree more. I chose NOT to respond back with, "Oh, those are just my son! Didn't you know that?!". That just seemed like...well....crazy talk.  Is there a lot of butterflies up here right now? Yes. Is it weird? Yes. Is it a coincidence? I don't know. Do I want to believe that it is JND? You bet. We probably are just in the middle of a butterfly boom.  What will go in the memory jar is the fact that Summer 2012 had a ridiculous amount of butterflies. Some where in the thousands I feel like I have seen, I can find my son in many of them. 

These are just four of the memories that are going into the jar right now. Many, many more to come. I like the whole memory jar concept, and I think it will help us heal, grow, and appropriately cherish the life and spirit of our Jackson. We love him so.

Time to head off to work, and finish off this crazy busy week. I am looking forward to getting home today and finding a very special person sitting in our living room. That person is my sister! She is coming up to spend the weekend with us, and we are so excited. She is the best. We always have such a good time, and we are looking forward to the 3 Musketeers being back together again. Life resumes. A weekend like we used to have could be a very, very good thing!

Cheers to a fun weekend full of fun, laughter, and good quality memories!

Love, 

Emily and Russ

F.A.Q's

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope"- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Lovin' that quote. 

I could find other, more fitting, words for disappointment....but lets "just go with it" for today.

Infinite hope? Oh, that is where it is at :) I like this quote because of the position on hope, clearly.

Life is full of questions these days. Questions in our own home about the state of life, questions from friends and family, questions from the world around us, and so on. These questions are normal and to be expected. It comes with baby land more than baby loss land, actually.  We have come to a place where we not only can predict them ahead of time, but we can fully embrace them when they come up. I would have never thought I would be saying that about where we are today with the world's questions.  Truthfully, I should have never doubted the littlest angel and his unique ability to deliver strength to us both.

We were told in the hospital that we "need to have a standard response to basic questions around our situation". Fuh-getta-bout-that. We tried. It does not work. In the spirit of being fully present in all aspects of our lives, we opted to not be "canned" or "rehearsed". That is neither one of our styles or personalities. We are who we are, and we say and do what we feel is best at that very moment. Here is the fact of the matter: canned responses make it slightly easier to clear the emotional hurdle.  I mean, come on, lets be real here. At the end of the day you are still running a hellacious gauntlet of hurdles and the ability to "clear" the hurdle really has nothing to with the type and tone of your canned response. It has everything to do with the natural feel and warmness of the response. It is OK to have emotion and to show it. It is OK to have a facial expression that may surprise the other party. It is OK to stumble through your words. It is OK to not even have words. It is OK to be yourself. That is what clears hurdles.


Today, I thought I would do something different with my writing and formally answer the most common questions that we get these days. I am doing this for two reasons, 1) so that those that read can have a question answered that they may have wanted to ask and 2) so that we can have this part of our life documented and we can look back days, weeks, months,  even years from now and see how we felt answering life's questions at this moment in time.

Sound like a plan? Here we go....

FAQ #1- "Can you clarify exactly what happened to Jackson that caused him to pass away during child birth?"

I cannot stress enough that what happened to us is extremely rare.  When something like this happens to 2-4% of total worldwide births, it could not be more rare. We had three healthy components. Healthy, full term baby boy. Healthy placenta. Healthy cord. All three of those were green lights from Day 1 until the end. Nothing showed up in autopsy reports to indicate that anything was wrong with these three components.  The problem came when our cord wore away from the placental wall, clotted, eventually broke off. Jackson got unplugged from the power source too early. It happened as quick as an aneurysm. It was like a bullet. He did not suffer, thankfully.

Why did it wear off? That is the part that we do not know exactly. We will never know. The placenta and cord have been shipped all over the country for answers, and there are none. We became a medical case the moment this happened, and the greatest minds in North America have no answers for what exactly went wrong. The fact of the matter is child birth is a traumatic experience. I have had many doctors use the word "traumatic" with me, and it has nothing to do with what happened to us. It is a term used with the territory. Child birth has 1,000 things that have to happen in a very important and critical order. For us, one part got out of sequence and that caused the traumatic part to be switched to tragic.

Where is the hope?

Just like I said, three healthy parts. Healthy baby, healthy placenta, healthy cord. We can make three perfectly healthy parts again, and we will. Lightning will not strike us twice. The next time will be a planned c-section and we will simply "lift and go''. Ding! Baby is done! Lets roll with the c-section! We cannot and will not live in fear. The next baby deserves to know Mama and Daddy are fearless and ready.

 FAQ #2- "Why do you blog?"

I blog for 3 reasons. Russ, Jackson, and myself. I have always loved to write, and I have enjoyed it even more since we lost our boy. It is the emotional catharsis of it all. Writing feels good, when many things don't.

I chose to put my writing online because that is the type of media I prefer for my writing. I can write and include photos, which is a total win-win. Since all of this is online, we can access it all the time (it has been nice to read our posts on demand when we need it most)  and we always have a record of our story that is retrievable. We can show friends, family, and our future children for years to come. There are companies out there that will make your blog into a book, and I think that we will do that year after year. That way, we always have the digital and print version of this special blog.  This blog was launched in May, so every year in May we will get a book printed :)

I have not regretted putting my writing online for one second. Many may argue that it was a bold move, and very brave. I do agree with those comments, but I can only challenge back by saying that it is the only way I know how to deal with the new life we now live.

This little blog has already shown its power:

1) I have met wonderful, amazing young women who have recently lost their babies, and these women are like a support group on speed dial 24/7. I would have never met or known they were out there if it was not for this blog. Strength in numbers absolutely applies here.

2) This blog has helped raise over $10,000 for the Jackson Neil DeLoach Camper Scholarship fund. I mean, come on, seriously?!? Amazing. You can still donate :) The link to the fund is at the top of the blog!

3) This blog has allowed others to share with me some of their most personal life secrets. That may sound odd to mention, but it speaks to how much we all can influence those around us. Some of the strongest women I have ever known have shared with me the loss(s) in their life because they read our story. Women are strong, fearless and absolutely amazing. I have learned that women keep secrets in boxes locked up tight, and rarely, do these boxes get opened. It is like a vault. Women I have known for years and years have come to me and told me their stories. We have cried (and cried), prayed, hugged, squeezed hands for minutes on end, and even laughed. I am so grateful for all the strong women in my life, and I have found tremendous comfort in all of their stories. Keep on sharing, ladies! Strength in numbers, again. No one is alone.

FAQ #3- "How is the garden?"

Ah, our sweet little garden. It had a rough summer, as it has been unseasonably hot for us in the mountains. To be quite honest, it has been unseasonably weird. If it is not heat, it is a random chilly day. If it is not dry, it is a nasty rainy day. Not to mention, I have seen more hail this spring and summer than I have in my entire lifetime. Needless to say, our garden has taken a beating and had a rough run at it.

But, it is still beautiful and definitely still kickin'.... I love this photo...

We have seen some new growth in the form of vibrant green leaves....

We have also battled a nasty fungus.We were told that this type of thing is fairly common in hydrangeas. All five have been treated with "medicine", and will hopefully rebound soon!

Real pretty huh? Yuck. New and clean always wins though...Never lose HOPE.

Hey baby blue bud! For fair balance....here we have a new pink growth! This is going to be very interesting to see how this garden looks next spring :)

Battle of the blue and pink. Gotta love it! The butterflies are still soaring above both gardens!

In a few weeks we will be putting in some trees. Our dear friends sent a gift card to our favorite nursery for us to buy some trees for our yard, in Jackson's honor. We are really excited to put them in! I am thinking we will put them in one of the corners of our yard with possibly a bench or swing in front of them! We would love to have another spot in our yard to sit, relax and enjoy the mountains off to the West.

Thank you for asking about our precious garden. We love it, and it continues to be a very special part of our home. We are excited to watch it grow and mature, and we are equally as excited to see which way the color swings next Spring. I don't care how much of that liquid-change-the-acidity-of-the-soil business you put down....it comes out whatever color it wants to! So, bring on the blue, pink, and purple noise. Lets just see what goes down next Spring! Two things we know it will be, and that is beautiful and perfect.

FAQ #4- "What is your plan for the nursery?" or "Why do you not go in there?" 

We do not go in the nursery simply because we do not want to. We do not go in out of respect for Jackson, ourselves, and the grieving process. We know it is there. We have to walk by it everyday. That is enough for us to live with right now. Our family and friends packed up the nursery and all things baby while we were at the hospital. Everything we lovingly bought or had given to us is in that room in boxes or cloaked underneath old sheets. All we can see is a closed door and closed shutters. I can imagine that the room is cold and dark. Why would it be warm and bright? We have sent friends in there for us when we needed something put away, and almost always, the friend comes out with tears in their eyes and looks like they had just taken a punch to the stomach. Anyone still think it is a good idea to go in there? I did not think so.

Our plan for the nursery is simple. We WILL NOT go in there until we are pregnant again. Or should I say, good and pregnant again. I do not see us barreling in there the moment we find out that we have baby #2 on board. We want to have a party when we open it again. We will invite all of our friends and family over for the "Grand Re-Opening". I can already see it in my mind. You know how when a ship is christened, they crack a bottle of champagne on the bow? That is the kind of image I have of the day we open our precious nursery again. I can see a bunch of people waiting in the hall and having a countdown to re-opening. Almost like New Year's Eve meets maiden voyage of a ship.

I think that every family member and friend that has been with us on this long, hard journey should have the opportunity to pull a sheet off of something or un-pack a box. We will unwrap the nursery with the same amount of love and joy that we had when we built it. The room pulsated love before, and I can only imagine the feeling it will have later on down the road.

Since the nursery was almost perfect when we rushed to the hospital, I think it will take less than 1 hour to have the joint up and running again. It is a perfectly executed gender neutral room, so no matter the sex of #2...the nursery is ready to rock n' roll for that sweet bundle of joy. Jackson left an absolutely amazing room for his little brother or sister. 

A photo I found on my phone the other day....This was a closet that we took apart to create a changing area. It was, and still is not fully complete.  This was a preliminary photo that I snapped when I was excited to see the bunting go up. Next time you see this area there will be a new name on the bunting, sheer drapes to mask the clothes hung down the sides, an adorable light fixture on the back wall, and a mod podged board with huge (and I mean huge) clothes pins attached to the back wall as well.  Oh, how we miss the aqua man and the aqua room.

 

 FAQ #5- "What have you learned the most from your journey so far?"

This is perhaps, my most favorite question. I love getting this one. Why?  I have learned many, many things. Here is the Top 10:

1) Everyone has a story. Listen intently when people are talking to you. Let them tell you their story. You never know what you will learn from it.

2) Loss is Loss. There is NO loss that is "lesser" than another. When you lose something you love, it is loss. Miscarriage, fetal loss, infant loss, child loss, teenager loss, adult loss, parent loss, grandparent loss, relative loss, pet loss, relationship loss, friendship loss, job loss, faith loss, and so on. It is all loss. We are all united by some kind of loss. Be kind and sensitive to everyone you meet, because everyone has lost someone or something in their life.  You never know how much they are still hurting over that loss.

3) Take time to tell people how much you love and appreciate them.

4) Support others in their time of need. Over 300 cards landed in our mailbox, and every single one of them was a reminder to always take a second to support someone when they need it most. No one is too busy to send a card. That very card may just be what the other person needed.

5) Crying and laughing can happen in the same moment. It is kinda beautiful when it happens. "Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart". Laughing and smiling feels good.

6) Be patient, sensitive and a good example.

7) Positivity and Hope always win AND better is so much better than bitter.

8) Life is precious, and far too short. Be present in life at all times--even if it hurts to do so.

9) No one is alone, and no one should ever feel alone.

10) Jackson Neil DeLoach is the great love of our lives. We will never stop loving and missing him. The world is so much different without him here.

17 weeks on the board, and we already have a Top 10! Lets see what the next 17 weeks have in store! Thanks Jackson for helping us learn, grow and change! All for you, our little angel!

I think that is enough questions for today.  Lucy has had enough computer time....

She likes to stick close to my side when I need it most, which is currently directly underneath the computer chair! She knows my emotions, I swear! And...I just told her we are going outside!

Time to go play outside and wait for Russ to get home from practice! And wouldn't you know (no joke), the sun just decided to come out after a long, rainy, gloomy day. We are so outta here!

Happy Labor Day! We are trying our very, very best to enjoy it! Hope you are too!

Love, 

Emily, Russ and Lucy