Ebb and Flow

"I've experienced the highest of highs and lowest of lows. I think to really appreciate anything you have to be at both ends of the spectrum. -John Elway

Well thank you, Mr. Elway for that quote.

I completely agree with what he has to say. It is so true. We ALL have experienced highs and lows. It makes us human. They are a part of life. They make life what it is--albeit hard-- they are the threads that comprise the beautifully difficult patchwork of life. They make us all dimensional and unique.  

Life as we currently know it comes with more highs and lows than we know what to do with. I looked up other terminology for highs and lows, and found the following:

Peaks and Valleys (agreed)
Good Times and Bad (Yep.)
Wax and Wane (second place finisher)
Ebb and Flow (personal favorite)

Here is a visual example of what I am talking about here:

This particular sunset sent me into a tailspin. Beautiful, isn't it? You would think that this particular one would make my heart sing. It had the opposite effect.  I just sat and watched it from the back patio and cried.  It felt good to cry after a long, exhausting day.  I do hate the fact that something so perfect sent me straight into the valley.  Maybe the little angel knew I needed a good cry.  Maybe he knew I needed to slow down and rest for a minute. This photo does not give that sunset justice. It was stunning. A real show stopper.

And this sunset?

Not much to it, but this one made me smile and laugh out loud. Why? No clue. It was genuine and uncontrollable.  Happy, and I mean happy, tears rolled down my face. I  turned up the music and sung a little louder in my car. I took an extra loop around our house because I felt like enjoying myself and the moment. I got my rear out of that awful, icky valley and started truckin' towards the glorious peak.  It felt so good. A straight-up, fully loaded sunshine infusion. I need more of this in my life. ASAP. I need those rays of sun to wrap around my heart more often and melt the ice that I have packed around it. I have hope, but I need to feel and experience it more often. Moments like this shake my soul up and remind me that HOPE, FAITH and LOVE always win. They are always there, even if I do not feel it at the time. It is kinda like Jackson just done slapped is his mama with this sunset. He is the only person who is allowed to do that, and he so did. Thanks JND! I am game for another round of dueling sunsets! I love you so much!

One of many lessons I have learned over the past 16 weeks is that the moments that take your breath away are not always positive ones. The stunner sunset took the wind out of my sails and sent me straight to my knees. The casual sunset made me laugh, smile and sing (literally and figuratively). I am learning to let go a little more, and to stop grasping for everything. It is so hard to do this, but I am at least trying.  I am learning to stop forcing or expecting something to make me feel better. When I do that, I just set myself up to feel bad. It never works anyway, so I am done with that method. The "just go with it" method is really the only one that works.

These sunsets represent the current ebb and flow of our life as we know it. One is the peak, and the other is the valley. Our son gives us both. LIFE gives us both. There is always something to learn in these types of moments. 

A funny photo from a friend that made me laugh:

Life is Crap is the valley, and certainly justified from time to time. I think everyone on the planet would agree on that. I have a road map through the Life is Crap valley, if anyone ever needed a copy or a tour guide. I am trying my very best to NOT hang out there, because I do not like it. It does not help at all to linger in this place. A short trip there is necessary, but not a place for a long-term stay.

Just around the corner you find this....

And there you have the peak. Cue the songs, birds, unicorns, choir, confetti, and other things that exude happiness and goodness.

Life is Good. It may not be easy, or how you imagined it....but it is still good.  We choose to believe that there is so much that is good and beautiful ahead of us.

Both have to exist, and both are life. The sweet, wonderful goodness and the pure crap.

John Elway hit the nail on the head with his quote. You really do appreciate everything when you experience both ends of the spectrum. WE have come to appreciate everything that life has to offer because of the ebb and flow of it all. We recognize that ups and downs are a part of the journey, and they should be embraced. Down does not mean defeat. Down just means you have to pick yourself up again. We have learned that the hardest part of it all is just getting up again.

I am not saying we love life everyday or that life is always good, but I can say that we appreciate it. It is humbling. Our son has taught us so many things, and has only been 16 weeks. Can you imagine a lifetime with an angel like that? 

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."- Dr. Seuss 

He is good. He happened. 

Life is good. Life happens.

Life moves forward, even if you have to pick yourself up time and time again along the way. 

Insert smile :)

In the interest of keeping a smile....This arrived in the mail this week....

Jackson's sweet feet on a beautiful heart charm! I just love these sweet feet! This is such a special way to remember him. I chose to have them put on a heart because of his impact on my life and I want him to know he always has my heart. Always and forever loved and never, ever forgotten.

Russ' charm came a few weeks ago.....

A perfect "man necklace" as he likes to say! It is hard to find a necklace that works for guys. This one fit the bill! It is a dog tag, and it looks fantastic! As Russ says "Now his footprints can be with us all the time". I completely agree, my love. They were always with us, but now they are beautifully displayed.

The artist who made these necklaces is incredibly talented.  Visit her shop! She is amazing! She does fingerprint, footprint, and other types of keepsake jewelery. She is so personable and easy to work with too!

www.KLMcDesigns.etsy.com 
You can find her on Facebook under KLMcDesigns and on Twitter @bittyclippies 

Oh, how we love these adorable baby feet. They are absolutely perfect.

Footprints and Hope. All day, everyday.


A dear friend gave me a journal last week that is full of fantastic quotes and passages. She took it a step further and added some of her favorites. It has plenty of pages to write and add quotes, and I have already begun to do so. It is the most wonderful, thoughtful gift. You know who you are, and WE are so grateful for you and your beautiful family. Thank for for being in our lives, and thanks to all of you for loving us. Here is a quote that she wrote in the journal that eloquently compliments my thoughts around the ebb and flow of life:

"Life is a series of experiences, each of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character and we must learn that the set backs and griefs which we endure help us in our marching onward." -Unkown

There you have it. Love that quote! Love the journal!

Well, it is time to start the weekend. Russ just walked in from football! It is date night in the mountains :) 

Back to rockin' the highs and lows. 

Love,
Emily and Russ


Blurry phone pick from last date night!

 

 

Love Letter #3

"I held him for a little while, made plans to watch him grow.  We played each waking moment so he’d know I loved him so.  I cherish all the tiny things that went unnoticed then.  A special bond between us grew my little one, my friend.  A place of honor he will have in my heart and in my home.  It gives me strength and peace to know that he is not alone.  I know that Jesus holds him close and tends his every need.  Our child is safe in heaven; he holds a noble place indeed."-Unknown

Jackson,

We miss you. Terribly. This week has been a rough week for us, but I am sure you already knew that. We wish you could make this stop, or boss someone around up there to make it better....but we understand that we just have to work through and live through all of this without divine intervention.

It is hard to get back into our normal paced life and schedule. We thought that the transition back to routine would be a good thing, but in reality it is hard. So very hard. We are the most happy when we are together, and lately, that time has become precious. Your Dad is back in the full swing of football, which means late nights and halves of weekends together.

I find myself to be alone more than I would like these days. There is nothing anyone can do to fix that, it is what it is.

It does not matter how distracted I am, the fact of the matter is that I am here alone. We are alone. Yes, I had dinner with a lovely friend on Friday evening and had a great time....but I still had to come home to a house without you or your Dad. A quiet and empty house.

Talk about feeling punched in the stomach. 

I have been told before that there is a peacefulness that comes with being alone, but what people do not ever talk about is the complete emptiness of it. My mind wanders. My heart hurts. My soul feels beaten to death. I cannot stop my tears. When I am alone, I am completely helpless and pitiful. A lonely Mama to an angel in heaven.

As football is gearing up, I am starting to realize the "Dad Plans" your father had made for you. It was not clear to me until this week. Just like I had plans for you at every corner, your Dad had made plans for you around football. It is his favorite sport, you know. Plans to have you at the games and dressed in some type of precious school spirit wear. Plans to come see you during the halftime break. Plans to lift you out of your stroller and show you the action. Plans to take you up to the field house for a few hours and hang out with his coaching buddies. Plans to talk with his friends about whether you would be a righty or a lefty one day when you hit the field. Oh, my sweet boy, the plans your Daddy had for you. He had BIG plans for you. He is the best Daddy.

I strongly believe that the balance between the plans I had made and the plans your Daddy made the perfect life for a little boy. You would have had the most beautiful, wonderful life. A life filled with love, joy and so much fun. 

We would have given you everything, because YOU are our everything. 

We have found something that is so good for us. That is right US. A different kind of therapy. Our new favorite thing to do together is Crossfit. Well, I use the word "favorite" loosely...as it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my lifetime! It makes you cry, scream, sweat to death and even throw up. All that being said, we are having a great time together at Crossfit. We go in the evenings, and we look at it as "our time". Even in the middle work for both of us and football, we will be working out together at least 3 days out of every week. We have made friends there, and everyone is so supportive of our fitness and health goals. We have always said that we can get through anything together, and Crossfit is no different. After just one month, we both feel so much better and we feel physically stronger. Still working on the emotional fortitude part :)


I am sure you were at the workout the other day.

It was raining, and someone decided it would be a great idea to not do the workout of the day (inside) and do tire flipping for time instead (outside). GREAT. 

As we started the workout, I said to myself, "Can we get a little sun, please?".

Well, you quickly delivered there. Actually, over delivered. It was blazing sun in a matter of minutes--just about the time we were heading UP the hill with the enormous tires. Thanks, for that! Sweat and humidity fest 2k12! Signal #1 that you were there.

We were flipping tires up and down the hill, and I quickly found myself to be physically gassed from the workout. I was so done, and we were not even half way through it! I bent down to flip my tire, and a huge black and yellow monarch butterfly flitted in front of my face, landed on the tire, then flitted away. I was like "Oh, come on. Now you are just showing off!". Signal #2. Noted my sweet boy. It is funny because I started crying, and the trainer/owner thought it was because of the workout. It kinda was (it was that awful), but the tears were pure joy because I found you! At Crossfit of all places! I know you were telling me that you were proud and to keep going. Thanks for supporting your Mama! I needed it.

It is a mix of emotions getting back in to physical shape again. Every pound is a memory of you. I need to get you off of me, but deep down inside, I want to keep you with me. I need to stop grasping for everything. I know that. It is so hard when we have next to nothing physically here to remember you by. It is silly that weight and body shape is thought of that way, but I guess your time in my body is how I remember you. So changing my body is both great and hard at the same time. Just like everything else these days!

I guess the hope in getting physically better is for the baby you will send us later on down the road. There it is. HOPE. Feels good to type that again! That sweet baby deserves the best possible start and environment, just like you had, my dear. It feels good to feel good. I just want you to know that it is hard to let go of you--physically. Emotionally? We never will. Ever. You know that. You are in our hearts forever, and that is the best possible physical place you could be! Always with us. Every heart beat is for you. Always remember that you are the only one that has heard my heartbeat from the inside. Together forever.


So, hook your Mama up with some more love at Crossfit. Especially during wall balls, push ups, pull ups, burpees and box jumps. That would be fantastic :)

Our song that makes us always think of you. We liked this song before it got cool to like it, and before Olympians started winning gold medals, by the way. We first heard it on the American Idol finale just a few days after you passed away. Needless to say, the song was exactly what these broken down parents needed to hear. We will always think of you when we hear it. You are our HOME.

Bring on the sun. Bring on the butterflies. Bring on the HOPE.

We love you.

We miss you.

Always. 

Forever.

Love,
Mama and Daddy

 

Love Letter #2

"Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will."  ~Author Unknown

Sweet Jackson,

I woke up today with emotion up to here (vision my hand right below my chin).  I know that I slept peacefully last night, yet I am still tired. 

I do not know what to do.

Life is hard. Life is so hard without you. I mean seriously, we do not know what to do. We are trying our very best. 

I believe that I am tired of saying "I am good", "I am doing OK", or even "I am doing as good as I can be at this point". It is not a lie, because I am doing "good"...but I think I have reached a point of exhaustion with it all. It is hard to keep your head held high all day, when all you want to do is fall to the ground and beg for mercy from it all. 

It did not take me long to figure out why I am struggling right now.

You are just over 12 weeks old. My very favorite age. I love babies in the 3-6 month range. There is nothing sweeter.  I know that if you were here, you would be just beginning to grow into your precious personality. We would see lots of gummy smiles, cooing, squeaking, fierce kicking, and even hearing the beginnings of  sweet baby laughter. I love it, and I would do anything to have a moment of that in my life. I mean anything. 

I know you are the cutest, sweetest, most adorable baby boy. I know it. I just wish you were here so that we could see you, hold you, and love you.


Your nursery has officially become insanely hard to walk by.  The door is closed, and we have not even stepped in there since we left for the hospital. It was our favorite room in the house. Now, it is our least. I know that one day we will love that room again, but right now, that is not the case. Do you know how hard your Dad worked on that room? He spent days and days putting bead board and molding up. He even painted the entire room so that I did not have to get near hazardous fumes. He was meticulous, as always, and he created a room that was perfection just for you, sweet boy.  After he finished the hard work, I got to come in and decorate.  I was on a mission to put together a sweet, soft nursery with your colors--aqua, tan, and white. Even though we created a nursery that is very gender neutral and can be used for all of our babies, we want you to know that it is always your room. WE built it for you. You are always and forever #1. You are the original aqua man. Your room is so very YOU.


Whenever we see aqua, we always think of you. We always smile--and mean it.  The color is like a flag that represents you. We see the color, and salute with a smile. We are surprised at how much we see aqua on a day-to-day basis. The world is filled with aqua. The world is filled with you.


It used to be a part of my morning routine to go in the nursery. I would wake up, eat breakfast, then head to the nursery for some precious quiet time with you before I got ready for work. I would rock and rock in the chair by the window. You were so active in the morning. I would rock and you would kick. I felt like the morning would always be "our special time".  I loved to read you books or hum a song while the morning light started to spill in through the shutters. The sun was a positive signal to me that we were just one more day closer to meeting you. I loved the mornings with you. I miss my mornings with you.

You should be a part of the morning routine. 

We miss you more than we can ever put into words. We are lost without you. We should be a party of 3. We have a huge hole in our hearts and in our lives.  We love and miss you every second of every day.  We love you to the moon and back. Our love for you has no limits, and knows no boundaries.


We do want to thank you for giving us many, many good days. Thank you for giving us strength. Thank you for sending us subtle little signs that you are happy and safe. If we did not have good days and signs, we would be completely lost. You are an extraordinary angel, and we are so proud of you. We will always be proud of you. Keep up the good work. We will always be your biggest fans because YOU are the love of our life.

Appropriate quote for you today-


"I dropped a tear in the ocean.  The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you."  ~Author Unknown

We love you.

We miss you.

Forever.

Always.

Love,
Mom and Dad