Love Letter #4

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” - Lao Tzu


Jackson-


Today I write to you.

Today I need to write to you.


I have written you a thousand letters in my head and in my heart, but today I need to put something in black and white. Time to flesh it out.


I have no pictures. I just have words.

It is hard to believe that you are 10 months old, and just a few weeks short of 11 months. Double digits. How did that happen? Why does it have to happen? I feel like any parent on this one. You look at your baby and wonder, where did the time go and why are you getting older? Do you really have to grow up? You want them to stay right like they are. You want to freeze time forever. If I could hold right here for just a little while, I think I would be alright. I want to stop time right here. I am not ready to move on. I am not prepared for what is ahead.

In less than two months, the wound that I have been trying to heal and pack ice around will get ripped open again. I am going to need some fresh ice and fresh bandages.


Since we cannot freeze time and stay in this very moment....we will just take it one day at a time. That is what we have done since Day 1, so why would the days ahead be any different. Chin up. Breathe. Step forward. Repeat.

The only upside to the 1 year mark is this: We can stop measuring time in your "firsts". All those first holidays, first tooth, first steps, first road trip, first words, first food, first this and first that. Sometimes it felt like everyday had a first. This is something we can stop thinking about. We had a year full of virtual firsts and what-might-have-beens. Thankfully, those nightmares can stop. We will never stop thinking of you or wondering what you might be doing, but at least we can emotionally let go of the "firsts". The only "first" that we need to remember and hold onto is that you are our FIRST. You are the greatest first. Our angel first. You made us parents, and we will love you forever, #1.

I have to apologize to you because I have trouble answering the following question that comes up at least 5 times a week.

"Do you have children?" 


I don't mind questions, but this one really hurts. I think it hurts because I want to proudly say, "Yes I do!", but I often say "No I don't". I do this because I do not want to explain everything to everyone I meet. When I say "No", I feel like a little piece of my glued together heart chips off. I can feel your disappointment. I can feel the distance between you and me grow when I say "No". 
Mothers know their children inside-and-out, and I know that this response hurts you as much as it hurts me. It is such a hard question because I want people to ask about YOU and say your name, but I have trouble when people who do not even know you or even know me ask this simple, innocent question. They do not mean to hurt me, I know this. The world is just a tough place for those that have lost something. I want you to know how hard this question is for me, and how much it hurts when I chose to say "No". I promise you that you are not being shoved in a box somewhere, and forgotten. Far from it, my love.

I can only imagine the next level of this question. Picture me pregnant.

"Is this your first?"

Good Heavens. Maybe by that point, I will have this figured out and be able to slay that question.

Now, the proper answer would be, "No. It is not. It is our second.". That would be the appropriate time to say "No".  At that point, maybe "No" will feel better than it does now because that answer would be the right one.

One day, our story will resume. One day we will know that every step of this journey meant something. One day, we will have this all figured out.

Not today.

We love you.

We miss you.

We need you more than ever.

We would give anything for one of anything with you. Just one first.  Or just one moment with our first.

I have the most vivid dreams about you. This is where I visit you the most. Sometimes I wake up and think you are really here, and sometimes I wake up sobbing because the dream was too cruel to be true. I have dreams of you cuddled on my chest, as I euphorically watch the rise and fall of your chest with mine. I can feel you drift off into sleep and become a sack of flour in my arms. I dream of how the top of year head smells and feels, because the top of babies heads is one of the most magical smells ever. I dream of your Daddy holding you while the three of us are snuggled up in the bed watching TV.  I have dreams of bath time, feeding time, play time, and just you and me time. I dream about your nursery, and rocking you in the chair by the window. I dream of your smile, your nose, and your larger than life feet. I dream of your perfection and wonder why it was taken from me.

Sometimes my dreams are ugly. I dream of the hospital where I went in full of baby and left with empty arms. I dream of the moment they cut me open and how that felt. I dream of the words that I heard in the OR, and how mute I felt in that moment. I dream about the moment they said, "Get it out!" in the OR, and remembering how mad I was that "it" was a "he" and his name was "Jackson". How dare they? Once your mother, always your mother I suppose. I dream about the nurses who helped me, and how they did not understand either.  I dream about how lonely it was at night in the hospital and how I cried all night. I dream about hearing you cry in the middle of the night, and when I wake not only are you not here, but the house is quiet. I look for a baby monitor on my bedside table, instead I find a glass of water, a phone and a People magazine. Where did that cry come from? It seemed so real. It was like you were really here. I am here looking for you and I cannot find you. I hear you cry and I know you need me. I cry out for you. Can you hear me Jackson? Where are you?


Dreams are where I find you, hold you and love you. Dreams are also a way that my mind is attempting to process the mountain of things that happened that day and everyday since. Good, bad or ugly I am thankful for these dreams. In many ways, the dreams are better than reality. After all, I have always been a dreamer.

I know that I will dream of you often, and for the rest of my life. I am good with that. That is our place and space, and I will always find you there. At the end of even the toughest dream, I still see you. Somewhere in that messy pile of unprocessed memories, is your beautiful face. 


We love you so much, Jackson Neil.

Until the next dream.....

Love,

Mom and Dad

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high
There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream,
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
High above the chimney tops,
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high
There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream,
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
High above the chimney tops,
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

One of my favorite songs, with a memory jar deposit. I have seen 3 different rainbows this month. Did you know that babies that come after loss are called "rainbow babies"? Well, I think seeing 3 rainbows in a weeks time is enough of a sign to these weary parents that..."the dreams you dare to dream, really do come true". Maybe a rainbow baby is in our future. Maybe the plan is starting to make sense. Maybe good things come to those who wait. Maybe the dreams will become a new reality and turn around this nightmare. Maybe the most beautiful and perfect baby is being prepared for us. Maybe Jackson has it all under control.

Somewhere over this rainbow is where you'll find me. Dreaming. Loving. Wishing. Hoping. Praying.

We love you Jackson Neil DeLoach.

Thank You for this rainbow and Thank You for the promise that it brings!

JND and Rainbow Babies. Good stuff right there. We want all of it and then some. Someday, somewhere over the rainbow we will have all of it. For now, we have our angel, a lot of hope, and now some rainbows.

Love,
Emily and Russ

Stronger.

"Stronger today than Yesterday"- Anonymous (banner hanging at our gym)

As we are rapidly approaching the "double digits" mark for our angel baby boy (God help us), I feel the need to pour out some positivity and take a little bit of time to brag on his Daddy. I also want to highlight some really incredible people that we have grown to know and love.

This past Sunday, Jackson would have been so proud of his Dad. Scratch that. Jackson is proud of his Dad, always. However, this Sunday he was proud on a whole different level. I am sure of that.

Russ competed in the team competition at the Garage Games One in Atlanta on Sunday. He was asked to join a team at the last minute, and had little time to prepare. The fact of the matter is that he is just naturally athletic, and he did not need the prep time. He did fantastic. I can only imagine with more time and training under his belt how these types of things will look in the future. When we were talking (er,debating) about whether or not he should join the team and compete, I kept telling him, "I know you will regret it if you don't compete!". I know Russ and I know how life works. I knew he would want to be out there, even if he was unsure of it all. He is a person who is usually hesitant and fearful of the unknown. He has to be sure before making a step. He calculates and is meticulous. Me? Not so much. I can swim in the unknown and as I mentioned before, I am a say a Hail Mary kinda girl and just hope it works or something sticks. I am not reckless, I just am willing to try most anything at least once. I do know my limits though. Let me be clear, me competing in this type of thing IS NOT a good idea, at this time. Just trust me on that one. No Hail Mary on this needed. That would have been a spectacle and I would have left with something broken, something bleeding and more than likely on a stretcher. This is how Russ and I work. When I am fearless, he is fearful. When I am fearful, he is fearless. We balance each other out in  so many ways. Ying and Yang sometimes. It is beautiful.

You know what he said as soon as we got in the car to head home?

"As they say at Camp High Harbour, I am glad I did".

Response:

"WE are glad you did and WE are so very proud of you."

*Insert internal wife thought: Well isn't that something. Always listen to your wife*

I felt like this. Literally. Long day. Tired. But so very proud.

 And on with the photo purge, with some commentary:

On our way there....cold morning!!

My one-and-only cousin competed as well! A photo with two of my favorite boys!

And a special photo collage. Shoes, shirt, smile and son. Perfection. Can't go wrong with any of those "s" words. Especially the last two.

More photos before the action got cranked up! Game face photo below.

 

 Whole group shot!

 Back of team shirt!

 Another cousin photo!

 Here he is with his team. Blood, Sweat and Beers!

 The photo below is before he did the jump rope part of the competition. This photo was taken by the owner of our gyms daughter. She was so into helping me take photos! She is a cutie!

And now for some action photos. These were hard to take because I never got a "great" angle and could not get as close as I would like. OR I had someones hand, arm, leg, and more often than not, someones butt in my photo. Many had to be deleted because of excessive body parts in the shot. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Russ had to do 4 minutes of what we call "Double Unders" for his leg of a one of the work-outs. Double Unders are when you get the jump rope under neath you twice with one bounce. They threw in a twist at the last minute and informed the competitors that you could not use your own jump rope. Russ loves his jump rope, and is comfortable with his own rope. This was a rough change of events, as Russ had to crank them out with what we jokingly referred to as "the garden hose". You can see the thickness of it in the photo above. How did he do? Great! He did 220 Double Unders with a rope that....sucked.

 In flight....

 Doing his thing. You can see off the the right one of his team members doing 4 minutes of "Thrusters" at the same time! And of course getting yelled at to pick up the bar by multiple team mates. Good times.

The next work-out was very hard to photograph because I was super far away, there were lots of people everyone and I had a rough angle. Here is the only photo I have of Russ pulling a team mate across the gym floor....

And his final event was a relay. It was a doozy. 15 back squats at 135 pounds, 15 pull-ups and 15 burpees (aka cardio purgatory) per person for 15 minutes. Russ went twice. After this relay, he was cooked.

 And the final results....

 16 out of 24 all mens RX teams

 112 out of 147 overall!

I am so glad he did.

We are so glad he did.

And some more general photos of some super awesome folks! Lets start with the teams...

Team Blue Ridge CrossFit #1

 Team Blue Ridge CrossFit #2

Team MissFits...How cute are they?!

 And the team that took 2nd place overall in the whole competition...Team Name? Wait for it...wait for it...."Pissing Excellence". They are hardcore and all four of them wanted to punch me for taking a team photo right before game time. What was I thinking to mess with that?! They put on a show that was something else.

Alright, now for some more action....

 

 This is the same face I would make if I was dragged across a floor 10 times. She is a rock star.

 

 This awesome lady below has lost nearly 90 pounds since she started CrossFit. She is an inspiration and this was her first competition. She went out and tried her very best and she rocked it!

 Oh and this one below? Strong and steady for her team. She knocked out over 500 single unders in 4 minutes!

 And this one? The owner of our gym doing his favorite move, Thrusters, with his t-shirt that he always wears while doing his favorite move :)

Oh, you know...just two guys going "beast mode".

 

This chick cranking out wall balls is one of our trainers, and a good friend. She is also an inspiration as she has lost 30 some pounds and can do anything. She always pushes me and I usually do something new that I did not know I could do when she is training!

 And this one below competed both individually and on a team. She is an all-around amazing athlete. She is also a trainer! She makes you better, that is for sure. Try and tell her you "can't" or "won't". Good luck with that.

 This about sums up the day....

 

 And she busted all her fears and jumped the 20 inch box for her team during their relay!!

 And one final shout out. The rock star below helped her team beat the other BRCF team by ONE rep. ONE. She moved faster than I have ever seen someone move, and it was one of the most exciting competitive moments I have ever seen! She is another inspiration of mine. Mother of two little girls. Amazing person and the kindest person you will ever meet. Incredible athlete.

Photo of both BRCF Teams! They wanted a photo because they were mixed teams each. 2 girls and 2 guys for each team. They went head-to-head in every heat!

 And one last group shot after all the madness!

And there you have it. The Garage Games One.

Russ,

Everyone is proud of you.

Most of all the littlest one.

You are an inspiration to all around you and you are strong.

Keep it up. Always.

Remember to try the unknown, because you are brilliant in the unknown. We are constantly in the unknown these days, and moments like this past Sunday show us a glimmer of real HOPE. It makes the unknown less frightening. You can do anything. We can do anything.

After all, The DeLoach Three is a pretty amazing team.

We love you, so very much. You are the best Daddy and person we have ever had the privilege of knowing and loving. Thank you for being you.

Our favorite two photos of YOU!

Team DeLoach. Stronger today than Yesterday.

Love,
Emily (and Russ!)